Chasing Sunsets

Chapter 58:

♪♪ You are my sweetest downfall. I loved you first, I loved you first...

When I woke up, he was gone. Wala na sya sa tabi ko. Bumaba ako para hanapin sya. Baka nagluluto lang ng breakfast o kaya baka nasa comfort room pero wala. Every trace of him was gone, as if yesterday was just a dream.

I opened my laptop. Our song was there. My guitar was still on the table, too. I sighed in relief. I remembered it right, everything really happened. But where is he? Why did he leave?

Babalik na naman ba kami sa simula? Hahabulin ko na naman ba sya? Hindi ko na mapigilang matakot sa tuwing mawawala sya sa tabi ko. Traumatic na rin siguro sakin na iwan na naman nya.

Chineck ko yung phone ko. Pangalan nya agad ang hinanap ko pero wala man lang syang text. Puro text at missed calls from my friends and Kuya yung nakita ko dun. Hindi nga pala kami nakapagpaalam nung umalis kami. Nag-aalala na siguro sila pero hindi ko muna sila sinagot.

Tinawagan ko si Nikos. Hindi naman sya sumasagot. Wala akong maisip na dahilan kung bakit umalis sya. May nagawa ba akong mali?

Naisipan kong puntahan na sya sa bahay nya. Baka kasi may nangyari na sa kanyang masama e. Pero pagdating ko dun walang nagbubukas sakin. Wala na rin yung kotse nya.

Hindi mawala yung kaba sa dibdib ko. Ang bigat-bigat na nung nararamdaman ko. Inisip ko na lang na baka may pinuntahan lang syang importante kaya hindi sya nakapagpaalam. Sinubukan kong tawagan ulit sya pero patay na ang phone nya.

Wala na akong maisip na posibleng pupuntahan pa nya. Pinuntahan ko na rin yung Lyric Bistro at Lyric Music School kahit alam kong closed sila dahil baka sakaling nandun sya pero wala talaga. I was so tired, worried, and hurt at the same time.

Panaginip lang ba talaga yung kahapon? O yung ngayon? Sana panaginip lang yung ngayon at mamaya gigising ako na katabi ko parin sya.

Pero bullshit. Buong araw I was just denying to myself na iniwan na naman nya ako, na pinagmukha na naman nya akong tanga.

I found myself on the beach walking around the shore, alone this time. The sun was setting pero hindi ko na sya nagawa pang i-appreciate because my sun had already set. Maybe long ago without me realizing, o baka hindi ko lang matanggap, that's why I can't chase it anymore.

I started throwing rocks to the water to release all of my anger. Why did he keep on leading me on kung ayaw na talaga nya? I was so angry mostly to myself. Bakit kasi hindi ko man lang sya masisi? Bakit kasi kong ginusto ko rin naman na habulin sya?

Napagdesisyunan ko nang umuwi bago tuluyang kainin ng dagat ang araw. Ayaw kong nang makita yun. Ayaw ko nang makakita ulit ng mga katapusan na hindi ko naman kayang pigilan.

Naglalakad ako pabalik sa may parking nang makita ko syang lumabas dun sa resto na kinainan namin dati nung una nya akong makita dito sa beach lagpas limang taon na ang nakalilipas. Hindi pa nga pala ako kunakain simula kanina pero hindi ko na pinansin yun.

"Nikos!" Tinawag ko sya at dali-dali akong lumapit sa kanya. Nagulat sya nang makita nya ako. "Nandito ka lang pala, kanina pa kita hinahanap!"

"Umuwi ka na. Pabalik na ako sa Manila." He said. His voice screams cold.

"May nangyari ba? Why did you leave? What's the problem?" I asked with a hint of anger but hoping to get a good answer, hoping to prove myself wrong.

"Everything that happened yesterday shouldn't have happened in the first place. They were all mistakes and I'm sorry for that. Just please leave me alone now." He answered. So I was right all along, he was just leading me on. My temper heated up.

"What?! So ganun na lang talaga yun? Are you playing with me? Gumaganti ka ba?" I said. Nagtaas na akong boses dahil buong araw kong inipon lahat ng emosyon na kailangan ko ilabas ngayon.

"I said I'm sorry okay? You can blame everything on me. Hurt me if you want, curse me all you want. It's my fault, anyway." Mahinahon nyang sagot na parang kasalanan talaga yung ginawa nya at pinagsisisihan nya yun. Hindi ko kayang maging mahinahon sa sinabi nya.

"Kasalanan mo? So pagkakamali lang talaga na sinabi mo mong namimiss mo ako? Pagkakamali lang na iniwan ko yung mga kaibigan ko para sumama sayo? Pagkakamali lang na dinala mo ako dito?" Galit na tanong ko sa kanya. I can already feel my tears coming.

"Ganun na nga. And I'm apologizing for that." He sounded really sorry na nakakainsulto na.

"Damn it! Kung ayaw mo na, pinabayaan mo na lang sana akong maghabol sayo diba? Bakit nagpakita ka pa ng motibo na pwede pa tayo kung ayaw mo na pala sakin?" Hindi ko na kaya yung bigat na nararamdaman ko. Umiyak na naman ako, umiiyak na naman ako sa harap nya at parang wala na namang syang pakialam. Pero akong tatanga-tanga hindi pa rin magawang isuko sya.

"Nikos kung nasaktan man kita sa pag-alis ko dati, alam mo naman na hindi ko naman gusto yun 'di ba? Alam mo naman na umalis ako for a reason. Sinabi ko naman sayo 'di ba? Sabi mo pa nga sakin pag balik ko dito magpapakasal na tayo." Tumigil ako para maghabol ng hininga. Hindi ko na halos marinig ang sarili kong boses sa kasunod na sinabi ko.

"Do you know that I loved counting each passing day dahil alam kong habang dumadami yung mga araw na yun I'm being one step closer to that day?" I said. He looked frustrated like I was a pest and he really wanted to get rid of me.

"At ang unfair mo dahil ikaw yung nang-iwan, ikaw yung biglang nawala pero ako yung naghabol para bumalik ka! Hindi ko na nga inalam yung rason kung bakit ka biglang nawala because it doesn't matter to me, because I love you and I can accept you no matter what. Pero bakit ang unfair mo?!" Dagdag ko pa.

"Forget it, Serene. I left because you don't deserve me. That's why I'm apologizing. Seryoso, lahat nang ginawa ko kahapon kalimutan mo na rin. They were all wrong." He said and he really sounded serious.

"Fck it, Nikos! Kung alam mong mali lahat yun bakit mo pa ginawa? Bakit mo pa ako dinala ulit sa lugar na 'to, pinaalala sakin ang lahat, pinaramdam sakin na mahal mo pa ako, kung alam mo namang mali?" I couldn't calm down while he was just standing there as calm as my name. I badly wanna hurt him but I'm just not that kind of person.

"I thought we still deserve each other, okay? Pero hindi na pala. I'm not good for you anymore the same way as you're not good to me anymore."

"Who are you to tell me what's good for me and what's not?"

"Nobody. But I'm entitled to tell myself that you're not good to me anymore, right?" He answered, sounding really annoyed this time. He started walking. Naiinis na siguro sya sakin but I don't care. Hindi ko na kayang itago lahat ng gusto kong sabihin sa kanya mula nung muli kaming magkita.

"Ano, aalis ka? Tatakas ka na naman? Ano na bang nagyari sayo? Ikaw pa rin ba yung Nikos ko?" He stopped and looked at me sharply.

"Wala na yung Nikos mo. Sa totoo lang your Nikos didn't even exist. You just created an image of me na malayong malayo naman sa 'kin." The butterflies in my stomach committed mass suicide.

"Serene, let's just let each other go and move on."

Shit. Akala ko totoo na yung mga nangyari kahapon. Pwede ka pala talagang managinip nang gising.