Juan was fast asleep throughout the time. Kuya Ruben was talking about. Lot of things. The market, the production this past four years. But I don't have my full attention to him. I am pre occupied by the thought that I'll be coming back to Pampanga.
After almost four years. After everything that had happen. I'll be back to where it all started. Who would have thought that an introvert and a coward girl will turn out to be a mother of a cute and brilliant child. A child. A son of that one person who used to be her source of courage before. Again. BEFORE.
What if he'll knew about Juan. Though I know he is not in Panga. But his family might see us. I shook the thought out of my head. Why am I letting my self to thing about those things. Of course he will not know anything about it. He's getting married. He will build his own family with the woman he love. Having a child out of that marriage will just in danger his perfect family. Definitely, he will not let it happen. It will ruin their career.
Yuni Evi Kispers is every man's dream girl. Sino ba namang lalaking hahayaang mawala ang ganoong klasing babae sa buhay niya dahil lang sa isang anak na hindi naman kasama sa plano at buhay mo? A child who's not a product of love or a relationship even.
I hate myself for thinking this. If Juan is not a product of love from his father --- to me he is made of love. Pure and real love. My love for him. He's my everything. I don't need recognition from anyone. I'll do everything just to make him happy.
Hindi pa man kami nakaka-baba ng sasakyan sinalubong na kami ni Nanay Lorena at ng ilang mga nagtatrabaho para sa Papa. Ang saya nilang lahat na kumakaway sa amin. "Nakaka-excite tuloy."
Tumawa ng malakas ang kuya Ruben. Napalakas ata ang pag kasabi ko n'un. "Sinasabi ko na sa'yo na hindi lang ikaw ang excited. Kita mo naman ang Nanay oh, ni hindi na magkamayaw sa kaka-kaway."
"Hindi parin po talaga nagbabago ang Nanay, buti nalang walang hinandang fiesta."
"Anong wala, tignan mo nalang ang loob ng bahay n'yo."
Kinabahan at napalaki ang mata ko. I told Papa to keep it quite. There's no need to be extravagant about it or less invite people. I am still trying to take it slow when it comes to showing Juan around. Specially here. What if te Castro's heard about this. They might insinuate things.
"Pero Kuya, diba po sabi ko..." Kuya cut me. I sound really worried.
"Alam naman nila yun Baby,. Dina Nanay lang naman at ang mga trabahado ninyo. Saka nasa loob ang konteng handaan."
I heave a sigh, the last time I went here. There was like a festival. "Salamat naman po. Hindi ko po kasi alam kung paano ko ipapaliwanag sa mga tiga rito ang sitwasyon."
Magsabi din ni Uncle yan baby. Saka anticipate na din naman ni Nanay. Pero wag kang mag-alala hindi na inabot ng mga trabahado ninyo ngayon sina JR. Kina-usap na din ng Uncle si Mang Ramiro tungkol dito kaya don't worry. "
"Eh, si Lolo Fidel po? Baka makita niya kami."
"Naku, alam mo bang tinatanong ka noon sa Papa mo. Gustong-gusto ka na daw niyang makita."
"Gusto ko din naman po siyang bisitahin. Kaso nga lang po pag nakita niya si Juan. Baka po kung ano na ang isipin niya."
"Maging maingat nalang tayo na hindi ka masyadong magawi doon. Or daanan mo nalang siya bago kayo umuwi ng Maynila. Wag mo nalang isama ang bata para wala siyang masabi."
"Nakaka-miss ang Lolo pero." I close my eyes and breath. " I can't risk anything lalo na sa mismong Lolo ng tatay ni Juan."
Kuya Ruben didn't say anything. He just gave me a genuine smile and a tap on my head. I know the possibilities of this visit, but I assured my father that I'll be here for this year's harvest. He needs my help.
Para hindi na ako masyado pang ma windang. U choose to call Joshua. Report to him everything. As usual ma pilit parin ang singkit, but he knows what he needs to do. Kaya ayun tumigil rin.
°°°°°°
"Parang wala po talaga tayong pinagbago Nay Lorena ah. Ang Ganda parin at parang hindi nagka-edad."
"Anak maging bolera naka. Nokarin mu naman ikwa ya?"
"Nanay naman, alam mo namang hindi na ako magaling mag kapangpangan."
"Ali naka byasang magkapampangan? Nami Ali ku byasang mag engles."
"English, tagalog nalang po kasi Nay." I was ten when we left. After noon, mga pangatlong balik mo palang dito ngayon.
Nakaka-intindi pa naman ako. Kaso piling mga salita nalang. Nakasanayan na kasi namin na ilonggo ang gamit sa bahay. Saka lahat naman ng mga kaibigan at kakilala namin doon eh talagang tiga Iloilo kaya purong ilonggo talaga.
Ang madalas lang naman nag kaka-kapampangan eh ang Papa. Yun eh pag may kausap sa telepono na tiga rito.
Kaya ayun. Napapayag ko na rin ang Nanay na mag tagalog. Pati na rin yung mga kasama namin sa bahay.
Wala halos nabago sa bahay. Mga pictures naming pamilya, ang paboritong upuan ng ate Luisa na nasa mismong puesto nito. Ang kusina ng Mama. Ang maliit na library ng Papa sa tabi ng room nila ng Mama. Everything inside is exactly where they are. Just how we left it.
The stairs... And the piano. The piano where our photos where placed. I came near it and started checking the frames. A photo where I'm like four and I'm holding Spencer my favorite doll. Pareho pa talka kaming naka- military uniform.
Then a photo where I'm inside my tree house. Sobbing face. The memory of it just give me smile. I was really a crying shameful baby then. Then another frame was behind the rest. Nakatalikod ito kaya I took it to see kung anong photo ba yun.
November 8, 2001 my tenth birthday. I was sitting on this chair in from of this piano beside a boy. He's playing the piano while I'm all smile at whoever took this photo.
He's fifteen here. How could a fifteen years old boy give me a grand piano for my birthday? Paano kaya niya napapayag ang Daddy Philip na bilhin 'to?
