A Wife's Suffer

Chapter 40: The Reason

Kate's POV

       "What?" I answered in a cold tone.

[Kate, think about what I said earlier. He don't love you. Do you really believe he does? Sige. Let's say na mahal ka niya. But you can never deny na 'yang pagmamahal niya sa'yo, bilang kaibigan lang. Stop your sh*ts, Kate. He will never love you the way he loves he--"]before he can even finish his words, I immediately cutted him off.

        "I thought we are done with that?" I said in an emotionless voice.

To be honest, I don't even know the exact reason why I gave out a cold voice. I don't know if it's frustration, irritation, anger, or pain. I just cannot tell. Or maybe, lahat lahat na?

[Done? Not yet Kate. Hanggang hindi ka pa nagigising diyan sa kahibangan mo, hindi pa tayo tapos sa bagay na ito. Come one, Kate. Wake up! Like what I have told you kanina, I saw him last week. He was talking to Zara in a cafe. And we both know who Zara is. Siya lang naman ang bestfriend ni Althea who happened t--] again, pinutol ko na naman ang dapat na sasabihin niya.

        All pains -- pains even from the beginning came flashing to me. Now, yes, I realised. At some point, the scars which I thought have healed are actually still fresh.

Why? Why can't I just be happy? Why? Why can't these pains be gone?

"Stop with all those lies. I don't care." tipid na sabi ko. Tama naman eh. I don't care. Nasaktan na ako eh. I mean, nasaktan na ako at patuloy pa rin na masasaktan. So, what's the point of stopping now? Either ways, masakit na siya at patuloy na sasakit pa.

[Huh! Lies? You're impossible, Kate. Matalino ka, diba? WHy are you being like this? We both know that Zara is her bestfriend. And she is Kenneth's first love. That's the actual truth, Kate. At hinding - hindi mo mababago 'yan. Any moment, pag bumalik siya, what would Kenneth do? And what would happen to you? The fact that he loves her so much and the truth that he would never ever love you back the same way you love him is the relity you can never run away from. If she comes back, no matter what, babalik at babalik sa kaniya si Kenneth. At ikaw? Maiiwan na naman. Iiyak na naman. Masasaktan na naman. Magiging miserable na naman.] sabi niya na nakapagpatigil sa akin.

            Gusto kong patigilin siya. I want to stop him from saying those. But what can I do? Kahit pa sabihin na nating ayaw kong maniwala, wala akong magagawa. Dahil kahit pa hindi niya sabihin sa akin 'yun, alam na alam ko pa rin 'yun. Siyempre, ako kasi ang tangang nasasaktan na nga, nagmamahal pa din.

I want to tell him na bawiin ang sinabi niya. But I know, kahit gawin ko pa 'yun, at kahit na sundin niya pa 'yun, the fact will stay as a fact. And the reality of his love for her remains the reality that pains me.

"Stop this Ian! I said, I don't care. So what if he doesn't love me, huh? HINDI NIYA AKO MAMAHALIN IN THE WAY THAT I LOVE HIM. THAT'S A FACT THAT I KNEW ALL MY LIFE. AND THAT'S A FACT THAT I ACCEPTED A LONG TIM AGO. I love him, Ian. All my life, I know I love him. And kahit na masakit, I love him. Although it's killing me, I still love him. Now, do you see my point? You, telling me all those sh*ts of the past will not change a thing." pasigaw na sabi ko. And I felt tears running down my cheeks.

           Why is he like that? He doesn't need to do that. Masakit na nga eh.

[Don't cry, Kate. Look, I'm just concerned. I don't want you to look like a fool. Not again.] mahinahong sabi niya. His voice is calm and somehow, worried?