No Control

Half A Heart

Chapter 5:

HARRY

Last night, it was harder than ever to fall asleep. I had constant thoughts running through my mind and terrible pain shooting through my heart. Like a stab of glass straight through the center. I felt even more stuck than I already was.

I was glad that Niall was happy. He deserved to be happy, but I just wish there was another way to make that happen. I don't know how he could love me after all these years of rejection. Why did he even love me? I thought we were always best friends until the actual day he told me he liked me. How did it progress so much?

I sighed as I got out of bed, already knowing sleep would be hard to get back to after trying so hard to fall asleep last night. It was just out of the question.

I got up and walked into the restroom, looking in the mirror. I looked tired. My eyes had bags that were dark, my hair looked a mess, and I looked really pale. It was because of this that I refused to believe I could ever be beautiful or attractive at the least. Because I wasn't. I was far from it.

I closed my eyes for a second, remembering the first time Louis touched me. He stood me in front of the mirror, and pointed out things that could have been the reason Liam and Zayn liked me. I know now it was the things he liked about me- the things he found attractive. There were many, and it amazed me to think that I actually felt wanted and desired.

I opened my eyes again and looked at myself. I could almost hear Louis talking, saying things that I would only ever hear in my dreams at night. But it was reality. The words actually came out of his mouth. And overtime, he grew to love me, even as I am.

I stopped looking at myself and wiped away a few tears that fell. I missed him, and I needed him here. I just needed his arms around me, holding me and letting me know everything would be alright.

I sighed, knowing that couldn't happen. I didn't even know where Louis was. He could be anywhere in the world right now, and he could have moved on. He could have forgotten my very existance, and that thought made me numb. I just needed something, and I hated myself for what I was about to do.

I picked up my phone and called Niall. It only rang three times before he answered. "Hello? Harry? Are you okay? It's three in the morning." He said, sounding as if he was attempting to sound more awake.

"I know. I just can't sleep. And I'm sorry to bother you, but could you come over? I just don't want to be alone." I said, and I hated how needy and vulnerable I sounded, but I really hated being all by myself. It reminded me of the past and that empty room in Louis's house- before any of the love came.

"Yeah. Of course. I'll be there as soon as I can." He said, and I thanked him gently, knowing that I was probably making an annoying request, so I was glad he wasn't mad. I heard Niall say a quick 'I love you' as I hung up, and it made me freeze and think about what I was doing.

I was inviting Niall over so early in the morning. I was probably leading him on, I mean, I said yes to him, but my heart isn't in it. What if this makes him think we are actually so good together? I didn't want to get his hopes up like that, but I was being selfish, and I was using him. If Louis couldn't be here, I needed someone to be.

It was usually Zayn who made me feel calm and collected whenever I was acting this way, but he moved out, and he has Liam now. He might not even want to be a part of my life anymore, but I hope he does. I hope they both do.

I held onto my necklace. I have never taken it off, and I feel like it would absolutely break me if I did. It's my last lifeline to Louis, and I wanted to keep it- wrapped around my neck, close to my heart- or the half a heart that was there.