No Control

Heavily Broken

Please read Zayn's part with caution as there are mentions of death/wanting to die. I know a lot of you go through things and struggle with emotions and habits, I struggle with the same types of things, and I want you guys to know that I am always here, and I will always respond. Maybe not right away if I'm asleep or something, but if you need someone to talk to, I'm here, and I'm certain others reading this are there also. Love you all ❤

Chapter 59:

ZAYN

I woke up to bright light shining through the window, and I felt numb. I felt so numb now, and I couldn't help but think that maybe I should have died. Maybe I should have chosen to leave instead, but the idea of leaving Liam, of never seeing him again was too much. Even if he didn't love me, I loved him. I loved him more than anything, but the pain was too strong. The thought of how disappointed he was in me was consuming my every waking moment. I didn't like the guilt.

I heard words being mumbled, and I looked down, seeing Liam laying his head on my bed. I couldn't help but smile sadly at the sight.

His hair was in disarray, giving the appearance of stress, frurstration, anxiety, and I didn't want him to feel that way. Not over me. His eyes had deep lines under them, obviously giving away the lack of sleep he's had. His lips were slightly parted in his sleep, little puffs of air leaving them every now and then. His cheeks had dry tear stains on them, and it made my heart break. Every singly bone in my body ached for him, but I didn't want to hurt him anymore. I did enough damage to him, and I was afraid. I was afraid to accept the forgiveness and love him again because what if I messed up a second time?

I felt his hand tighten around my own, barely noticing the warm touch. It seemed to be the only part of my body that didn't have a cold numbing feeling. I loved the feeling but it was oh so painful. To have him so close, still making me feel, still giving me life and love when I didn't deserve it, it burned me straight to the core.

I couldn't stop the tears from falling as I moved my hand to caress his cheek, wanting so much but holding myself back. I didn't want to pull him further along in my fucked up life. I didn't want to see him cry because of me, break because of me, ignoring me. It was everything I couldn't handle.

I closed my eyes, wanting to enjoy the warmth I got from his touch, not wanting to open my eyes and be back to reality. Why? Why would I want that when I could close my eyes forever and imagine everything was fine?

"Zayn." I heard Liam whisper, and I was terrified to open my eyes. I squeezed them shut tighter as I pulled my hands away from him. I pressed the palms of my hands to my eyes and let the tears fall, not wanting to hear him or see him. It just all hurt so much because I knew this was my mess up. Maybe my sister's death was unpreventable but this wasn't. I could have stopped myself.

"Z, please don't cry, love." Liam said gently, his voice sounding incredibly tired yet so full of care. I felt him climb onto the bed before wrapping his arms around my whole body. I tried my best to break out of his hold, but I knew it was futile because of how weak I already felt.

"Stop, please." I begged, though my body ignored my useless pleas as I let myself lean into Liam's hold, my hands holding on tightly to his shoulders as I cried therr, staining his shirt with my heavy tears.

"It's alright, love. God, Zayn, I love you so much. So much. I just want you to be happy. I want you to smile that cute, radiant smile I love so much and I want to be able to hold you without causing you to break even more. I want you to forgive yourself like I've forgiven you." He whispered in a rough morning voice as he stroked my hair and rocked us back and forth.