No Control

There's Pain, Life Hurts

Sorry in advance for this chapter. Love you all ❤

Good feelings soon though. Which I will do my best at because I haven't been feeling the best. I can do this!

Btw, it feels amazing to read comments, private messages, and conversations on my dashboard from you guys. I love replying, and I promise I always will. Now, read on if you want to. 😝

Chapter 64:

NIALL

I was lost and alone. My mum was on the verge of life and death, my heart feels ripped out of my chest, and my best friend- the only friend I ever truly had- was missing in another country. It brought back so many memories of my desperation. And that desperation remained.

I was desperate to save my mum, something I knew could no longer be done; desperate to heal from all of this pain I was feeling, but I knew that I needed the one causing the pain to fix it; desperate to find Harry because he's the only constant in my life. He was normality. He was a constant reminder of the way things use to be, when things were happier. Yes, I was pining over someone who would never feel the same, but I was happily naive to what true pain was.

I would constantly think back on everything, wondering what I could have done differently to change this torturous course I was on, but there proved to be nothing to be done. Changing my actions wouldn't change my mum's illness. She was still sick, and that was overcoming her. Changing my love for Harry wouldn't make it disappear. I still loved him. I think you always love your first love, but I don't have that desire to be with him. Changing my actions would stop the hole in my heart from forming more, but then I wouldn't have known what true love felt like- what it felt to have it requited. Or fooled into thinking you did.

Was it better to make mistakes and feel immense pain, or was it better to live a perfect path but never feel a rush of emotions?

I had no idea. I didn't have the answers, but I craved to every single day. Sitting in a hospital chair and looking at my mum-- her skin feeling thin as I held her hand, veins visible even more-so than they've already been- it was like torturing myself.

I wiped my eyes, feeling how heavy they were from crying, lack of sleep, and looking through my phone messages repeatedly, hoping something would change about Harry. I was losing everyone, and it was the worst feeling.

"Niall, I'm going down to the cafeteria to get food. Do you want anything?" My dad asked. His voice sounded tired and hoarse as well, but he was keeping himself composed-- I think for me.

"No." I whispered out, not able to add anymore strength to my tone.

He sighed and I watched his shoulder slump a bit. "I'm sorry this is happening, Niall, but you can't stop taking care of yourself, and I can't stop worrying about you. You're my son. You're all I have left, and seeing you this down hurts more than you could ever imagine." His voice sounded hopeless.

"I'm sorry, dad." I said. "But everybody's leaving. Harry's missing, Erik left, and mum is slipping away, too. What did I do to repell everybody? What did I do to lose everybody?" I asked quietly.

"Nothing." My dad said. "You didn't do anything, Niall. Bad things happen to good people too often. You've done absolutely nothing wrong. They'll find Harry. They did the first time, and if this Louis character really feels so strongly about him, he'll stop at nothing to make sure he's safe. Your mum may be leaving us, but she'd still want you to be happy. She'd never want you to close up your heart. And Erik... he loves you, Niall."

"How do you know?" I asked, feeling so in denial. Sure he spoke the words, but there was a difference in saying them and meaning them. He just promised me so much that he knew wouldn't come true. How could I believe him? How could I believe he loved me when he could have just been distracting me from the obvious pain to come?