No Control

Everything Comes Back To You

Oh, I try.

Chapter 56:

LIAM

"I don't know what to do." I said, attempting not to cry. I didn't want to cry in front of my mum. Truth be told, I was only confiding in her because I didn't want to bother Louis- knowing he was doing his best to deal with Harry leaving- and I didn't want to bother Niall when he had stuff with his mum going on. Sounds completely terrible, but my mum was the last option.

I looked over at Zayn, sleeping in his bed after the pain increased from the collapsed lung he suffered from. It was probably the second most terrifying thing I have ever seen or heard- the first being the state he was in when I first saw him. And now he seemed to mimick that state, which put me on edge again.

He just kept coughing and spluttering and wheezing, trying his best to get a good breath into his lungs, but nothing seemed to be working. He was being helped to breathe again- an oxygen mask over his lips with a tube being inserted into his mouth. And now he was sleeping, showing no sign that he had ever been awake in the first place besides my and the doctor's/nurses recollections. Seeing him back at square one scared the living hell out of me. He was suppose to be getting better, not worse.

"I made him feel so low and worthless." I whispered, trying to keep myself calm, but I was shaking like mad. It felt a bit strange to divulge my feelings to my mum, but she was all I had right now, and I would be lying if I said I didn't crave that common affection of a mother. I never got that before, and a part of me hoped I could experience that kindness. "He told me... he told me that he wanted to d-die. He stayed. He stayed because of me." I said, choking on my words. "I love him so much, and I hurt him so bad."

I sat in silence, biting my lip and holding back the tears that were so close to spilling out of my eyes. My mum seemed to be in though, examining everything, and I looked away from her, focusing on Zayn instead. I flinched a bit when I felt her touch my hand, looking up to see her smiling softly down at me. It was different from every other smile she's given me because it wasn't that smile where she was asking for forgiveness or hoping I wouldn't hate her, no, it was a smile that said she was here. That it was alright.

"Don't hide your tears, Liam. It's okay to cry." She said, and I shook my head but tears began to spill nonetheless. My vision blurred as I curled in on myself, one hand pulling at my hair a bit. I didn't want to cry. It was the last thing I wanted, but I couldn't help it. Not in this situation.

"I've never been there for you, and I know that, but I want to help you now, so listen." She said, and I sat quietly, wiping tear after tear from my cheeks. She pulled up a chair in front of me before holding one of my hands and sighing, finally beginning to speak.

"Sometimes we hurt the people we love because we're even more afraid of getting hurt ourselves, and that's clearly what happened here. You were afraid of so many things- not necessarily just afraid of forgiving Zayn. You were afraid of your future because your past was coming back to haunt you, and you cannot move on in life until you learn to live with the past. But you never had that opportunity. I never gave it to you." She said in a strong voice.

"Your past is at fault here." She continued. "Because you feared what you saw from your dad and I. You feared that it would happen to you. The cheating, the lying, the drinking. It all came back and it made you fearful and paranoid. But that's not all. I think a big part of you was also trying to protect Zayn." She admitted, and I looked at her, seeing the knowing look in her eyes. "Weren't you?"

I looked over to where Zayn was laying in bed, and I just let the tears fall, rolling down my cheeks. "I wasn't there for him. I wasn't there when he needed me." I whispered, feeling the painful truth of the words stab at my insides.