No Control

If It's Cold Outside...

I keep forgetting to show you guys what Harry's ring looks like so before I forget- again- here you go! ⬆

Now- OMG HAD HARRY PAINTED NAILS FOR THE ANOTHER MAN MAGAZINE PARTY!!! Harry is everything, and I am so proud and happy that he has that bit of freedom to do that now and doesn't have to wipe it off or anything. Slay it, Haz!

Chapter 54:

LIAM

I walked back into Zayn's hospital room, already feeling weariness taking over me. I haven't been sleeping very well, but I still wanted to get up early to say goodbye to Harry. He was someone very close to me in my life- we use to be very close but I let that slip. I at least had to be there for Harry and Louis. It was devastating to watch though.

"Why are you so upset?" I heard a soft, weak voice ask, and my eyes immediately snapped up to look at Zayn. I watched in hope and awe as his eyes opened up all the way- bright amber brown shining through, a small, forced smile taking over his lips, then a small wince of pain.

"Oh my god, Zayn!" I said, rushing to his bedside and hugged him, already feeling the tears begin to fall from my eyes. I pulled away, crying and behaving absolutely hysterically. "Why would you fucking drink and drive? You scared the hell out of me! I thought I lost you, Zayn. Fuck, I thought I lost you." I cried, not once looking away from his face, which was still slightly covered with bruises and scratches.

"I... I thought you wouldn't care. Because you hated me. Because I hurt you, and I promised myself that I would never hurt you. And I broke that promise. I hurt you, you left me, I had nothing really." He said, and hearing him talk about it just makes everything flood back to me, and I was being an idiot. I should have just forgiven Zayn. I forgave Harry, so why didn't I forgive him as well?

"I mean, I have no family, Liam." He said, voice sounding watery as he let out a pathetic laugh. It hurt to hear him sound so upset, so destroyed. "My parents kicked me out for joining a fucking gang. I haven't seen them since. I would give anything to see them again, but they probably blame me for my sister's death, and I don't blame them." He said.

"Zayn, that wasn't your fault." I whispered, not wanting to go back to that day in his bedroom where he broke down, crying more tears than I have ever seen before.

"I know that now." He said with a small smile, looking away from me. "I saw my sister...." He confessed, trailing off, and I raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"What do you mean?" I questioned, feeling the underlying importance of the subject.

"When I was out... I don't know. Maybe I almost died... but she was there." He said, making me nod, encouraging him to continue. I wanted to desperately to grab his hand, but I didn't want to push him into forgiving me or anything.

"She looked exactly the same way I remember her before that day." He said, his voice breaking a bit as he let out a breathy laugh. "She smiled at me, saying she was happy to see me, but that I couldn't stay. I was confused by what she meant because it all felt so real to be there- wherever 'there' was. But she explained it all to me- that I could choose to live or die. It was up to me, and if I had anything to hold on to." He said, his voice lowering to a whisper.

"I wanted to die." He confessed, and I choked back a sob, swallowing thickly instead as tears overwhelmed my eyes again.

"Zayn, I-" I began, but he shook his head, still not looking at me, and I was quiet, knowing he wanted to continue: to finish his statement. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear anymore of it though.

"I thought I had nothing left. No family, no purpose. I lost you." He said. "You loved me, you made me feel like nothing was my fault- like I wasn't worthless and disgusting. Like I was able to be loved. And I lost it all. So I didn't want to continue feeling the pain- the pain that was still there even as my mind was drowned in alcohol and fried on drugs." He said, hurting me all the more with every single word.