No Control

We Could Be Stars

Trigger warning. This may be the last chapter like this, also guys. Sorry for all of the pain! It's almost over. And I love you all, so please read carefully. ❤

Also, time jump next chapter, but it will only be a few months.

Chapter 72:

   HARRY

        "Okay, Harry. I'm going to give you the marker, and you're going to mark on the mirror. Circle anything you see as being imperfect. As you do so, tell me why you think that." Dr. McKinney said, and I nodded, accepting the marker with a shaky hand.

      I stepped closer to the mirror, feeling my chest heave as I took deeper breaths out of fear. The mirror was my worst enemy. The mirror was the only very thing that started my insecurities. I wanted so desperately to just break the mirror. To stop looking at the mistake in front of me.

     I quickly circled my whole face, but I wasn't satisfied with the way it hurt yet. So, I stepped closer, circling my eyes and mumbling out "They're too dark green. Dull. Mossy. Ugly."

     I circled my nose. "It's pointy. Not exactly small. I hate it the most...." I trailed off, thinking if I really meant that. Truth was, I didn't know what part of me I hated the most. I hated it all.

     I circled my lips. "They've told lies. They've accepted everything. They're too big. They look fake. They've said things to hurt people." I reminded myself. I've hurt people.

     I circled my stomach, feeling so exposed now. "I could lose weight. Maybe then Louis will love me more." I mumbled out. "And it has scars. Those damn scars." I added, remembering the way I was cut right over my tattoo. So, I circled over where the tattoo should be.

     "Keep going, Harry." She said as I was stuck staring at myself. Stuck staring at who I hated most. It was the worst kind of torture, but something in my mind told me I deserved this torture.

     I circled my thighs next. "Same thing. I could lose some weight. It's just... I could lose some." I whispered out before circling my legs. "I hate how long and awkward they are. How I've always towered over others, but I've always felt so small nonetheless."

    I circled my hands. "They're so big, but they never take matters into them. I only take whatever people want me to take. And I never give enough." I circled my arms, saying they weren't strong enough. I circled every single inch and part of my body, slowly breaking myself more and more, and I listed off reason after reason to break down my confidence, what little confidence I had.

     Finally, I circled over my chest, right where my heart would be. And I stayed silent, jist staring at the last circle on the mirror, the final circle. I counted them all... Thirty-two circles. Thirty-two imperfections. And that was only on the surface.

     "Harry... what does that last circle mean?" She asked calmly, and my eyes shot back to the medium sized circle over my heart. I felt myself breaking as I stared at it, knowing what I was trying to say.

    "I-It means I'm broken." I whispered out, feeling small and needing Louis by my side. "And it hurts so much." I cried, looking at myself in the mirror and hating what I saw, hating who I was. How was I worthy of love?

    "You're weak and ugly and stupid and a fucking joke!" I yelled at myself, feeling Dr. McKinney placer her hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it off, not wanting to be touched right now. Not when I felt this way.

    "I hate you." I gritted out, tears beginning to pour down my cheeks as I took the marker and threw it at the wall, yelling at myself. "I hate you so fucking much! And I hate your scars and your bruises! I hate every little thing about you, and I wish you'd just disappear!" I raged, hitting the mirror with my fist several times as I heard Dr. McKinney run to the door and call out Louis' name.