No Control

I Don't Want To Hurt Him Anymore

I feel like my writing is so off now. Idk, but I'm somewhat okay with this chapter. Here we go.

Also, I will be posting 3 new things soon, and you can check those out on my profile.

Chapter 31:

NIALL

It was super early, but I just couldn't go back to sleep, even if I only got three hours of sleeo last night. I spent the whole night just thinking about everything. Me, Harry, our relationship, Erik, everything. Yet, I was still so confused.

I knew that I loved Harry, and I still felt that love, but... it wasn't as strong. But how? How could I spend my whole life chasing after someone I was so sure about to only end up confused and wondering if he even was the right one for me.

I knew it was wrong, but I ended up comparing Erik and Harry in my mind. Harry's gorgeous green eyes to Erik's beautiful grey ones. Harry's long, brown curls to Erik's short black hair. Harry's lovely pale skin to Erik's amazingly tanned skin. Harry's caring and loving personality to Erik's compassionate and passionate personality. The thing was... I wasn't sure if either of them even truly liked me that way.

I think I'm finally seeing it. Harry never says he loves me, not anymore. He use to say it all the time... when we were just friends. We never really spend a lot of time together, and that was mainly my fault, but a part of me can just tell his heart isn't it it.

Then there's Erik. He sees me as a patient's family- someone be is obligated to help calm down and understand the situation. I kissed him when I wasn't even sure of his true feelings or if he was even in a relationship already. Why did that thought hurt so much?

That's the reason I've asked Harry out today. I needed to know. Once and for all, I needed to know how he felt. I was hoping he would tell me he liked me. Hoping he would say that he did want to be with me, but I didn't know. I was scared for how it would go, but I had to do it. I had to ask.

I knew that I would have no luck getting back to sleep, so I got up for the day, deciding to give my mum an early visit. I was a bit scared to see her, remembering what happened last time, but I knew I had to help her through this.

I made my way out to my car, getting inside and texting Harry a good morning message. Sure, he probably wasn't awake yet, but he'll see it soon enough. I set my phone down and began to drive, making my way to the hospital faster than usual due to the low and fast moving traffic.

I got my pass from the front desk and made my way to my mum's room. I opened up her room door and was surprised at the fact that she was sleeping, but she had a head scarf on. Did dad bring it for her? Did he know the hair loss was starting as well? My dad was probably at work right now, but I could ask him later on.

I closed the door behind me and made my way to sit beside her bed. She looked so fragile and a bit paler, and it was scary, but if something was wrong Erik would tell me. It was his job to tell us what was happening, whether the news was good or bad.

"Hey, mum." I said, eventhough she was completely out cold. I wanted to cry as I spoke, but I held it in. "I wish you were healthy and okay. I wish we were back at home where you would comfort me like when I was little. Because I'm so confused. I'm so lost, and I have no clue what I'm even doing anymore. I kissed someone else. Someone who wasn't Harry. I kissed Erik... Dr. Rhys. I was stupid and reckless, and I don't know anymore. I don't know what I feel for anyone." I divulged, only hearing my mum's steady breathing in response.

"I love you, mum, and I just hope you're okay." I said, bringing her hand up to my lips and kissing it as I squeezed it in mine. My mum was the person I was closest to, and she was always the one I could lean on as a little kid. Yes, I loved my dad, and he was always there for me, but my mum always understood things even when I had no clue to to explain them. It's what made us so close.