Change My Mind

28

  "Louis!" Harry said shaking, me more. He had been trying to get me out of bed all day, though nothing would work. "C'mon lad, I've let you lay in bed for five days, you have to get up!" He urged. I rolled so my back was facing him. 

        "Leave me alone." I groaned. There was this emptiness  in my chest. It may sound cliche but I really couldn't feelanything. Waking up every morning without Katie by my side made everything feel worthless. It was fortunate that the lads and I got two weeks break, that meant I could stay in bed all day and night. 

        Of coarse management wanted Eleanor and I to make an appearance together immediately, though Eleanor and I talked them out of it. The fans still didn't know Katie and I had broken up, we- I just wanted to make it seem like we were having a bit of trouble first. Like our relationship was slowly turning complicated, then we broke up, then Eleanor and I got back together. However I felt at ease knowing the fans didn't know Katie and I had ended things, it still made it appear we were together, which made me feel like we actually were.

         Though this whole entire thing was complicated. I didn't think it would be this hard to let go of Katie, not only as my girlfriend or the love of my life, but as my friend; my best friend. It felt like it was the summer she left for America all over again. The aching in my chest, my head feeling cloudy like I couldn't concentrate on anything but the mere picture of her sketched in my brain. The days seemed darker than usual and I cried like a little baby; but I didn't care. 

        And that was the problem.

        I lost the care for almost everything. I didn't care if the lads saw me cry, I didn't care if I made them mad when I wouldn't leave my bed. I didn't care what management wanted me to do anymore. I didn't care if I skipped a meal because I didn't feel hungry, or hadn't showered in three days. 

        All I cared about was getting Katie back.

        "Louis!" I heard Harry shout. I flinched, I didn't hear a word he said while I was soaking in my own self pity.

        "What?" I sighed. I turned so I was now facing him. He looked shocked, maybe it was because I was actually responding, or maybe it was the look of my face. The dark circles around my bloodshot eyes. My skin was much paler from lack of nutrition, and my hair was a wild mess. 

        "I think you need to go see Katie." He blurted. Hearing her name pained my chest. 

        "I can't." I whispered. Harry rolled his eyes almost mockingly,

        "What do you mean, you can't?" he divulged. I let out a deep breath,

        "I can't just go see her, what would I say, 'Hey! I know I just broke up with you and told you I was in love with my ex girlfriend still. But I just wanted to say I miss you.'?" Harry shook his head,

        "No," 

        "Then what would I say!?" Harry patted my shoulder,

        "Tell her everything." He mentioned. I shook my head furiously.

        "You already know I can't do that." I said. Harry sighed,

        "Then tell her you still need her to be your friend. Tell her you still need her to be by your side. The worst thing that could happen is she'll say no and you'll be back at square one. But at least you will know." 

                                                                                                                                            ~

          I gave the door three quick knocks. My heart was racing at an incredible rate and my hands trembled. I was nervous. The door opened,

         "Hi.." I said.

        Katie's mother stood at the door, She looked around before her eyes landed on mine,

        "I don't think it's a good time, Louis." She said with sympathy. I took in a large breath,

        "You don't understand, I need to talk to her." I said. She sighed,

        "She's at the river. She's spent all day there for the past three days." She said.

         "I'm so sorry-"

        "Go see her." She whispered before shutting the door.

        So I walked. I walked down the familiar dirt path that lead through Katie's woods. The night was dark  though you could see every star in the sky. There was faint cricket and frog noises, and the trees rustled in the wind. I could hear the quiet running water as I neared the river.  

        I could see her. She was sitting on the edge of the dock, her feet hanging off the edge as her hands gripped the ledge. I slowly walked across the wooden dock and sat on the edge directly next to her. She didn't even look at me,

        "What are you doing here, Louis?" She whispered, her voice was shaky. My heart thumped harder with the sound of her voice and it seemed like my head wasn't as cloudy. It was clear.

        "I wanted to talk to you." I replied. She laughed, though it wasn't a happy laugh, it was like she was annoyed or irritated. 

        "Okay." She said quietly. I didn't expect her to just let me talk, so I had no idea what to say.

        "How... are you?" I asked. She looked down the river and in the moonlight I could see her blotchy eyes start to water. 

        "Not well." She confessed. I took a long breath,

        "Katie I-"

         "I'm just confused on how one day you say you love someone... then the next you're completely over them. How can that happen? Because believe me, I'd love to know." She blurts, wiping a stray tear away that fell slowly down her cheek. I desperately wanted to tell her how much I still loved her; but I couldn't.

        "I.. I don't know." I stuttered. She stood up abruptly and started walking down the dock, back to shore. Though I quickly stood and grabbed her arm

        "I want you to be happy Louis!" She shouted, turning around to face me. "and... and if that's not with me then- then that's fine," She whispered. " because I have realized, you are the only person I have loved enough to put before myself... Seeing you happy... it makes me happy, and that's what love is... right?" She whispered. I felt a small tear dribble down my cheek before nodding my head,

        "That's exactly what love is.." That's why I wanted to see Katie move on, see her be happy with someone who wouldn't bring along paparazzi or thousands of hate messages from their 'fans'. She needed to be happy, even if that wasn't with me; but I couldn't let go of her. I still needed her.

Katie's pov. * 

        Why did he come? Just looking at him made my head spin and I couldn't take it any longer. I ripped my hand from his grip and continued walking, 

        "Katie?" I heard is faint voice whisper. I turn to face him. He looked at the ground almost as if he were ashamed with what he was about to say, "Can we still be friends?" He continues. I furrow my eyebrow and feel anger run through me, 

        "Are you serious!? After everything we've been through?" I shouted. He flinched at my sudden raise of voice. I started  walking away again, but he tugs on my hand. "Louis! I can't just be friends with you!" I yell. I look up, catching myself gazing into his eyes. "I can't just be friends with you, without wanting something more.." I whisper, walking away; hoping this time I would forget him.