Loving You. . .

Cruel and Heartless

"And all I loved, I loved alone." Edgar Allan Poe

August 21, 2012

"I have always loved you." He says right before he kisses me.

Ring Ring Ring

7:30 great! Why do I have my school alarm on? It's Saturday for crying out loud.

I can't believe that I dreamed of Alex. He is so handsome when he smiles at me. I wish it was real, I wish he really did love me. Maybe he does, but doesn't want to destroy our friendship. Maybe things are going to be different after yesterday. I mean we hadn't  kissed in so long, and then he just surprises me with that breath-taking kiss, and this time i felt my heart flutter.

I get up from my bed and I start making breakfast for me and my younger brother, Xavier.
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I am the eldest, then after me its Kenan, and the youngest is Xavier. They are 8 and 4 and I'm 17.

My parents waited 9 years before having another kid after me. They were having problems in there marriage for the first 6 years of my life that they were sure they weren't going to make it to the first 10 years. They waited because they didn't want to bring another human being into their fucked up marriage. My dad spend most of his time going back and forth between our home and his parents house. He made a lot of bad choices that damaged me, because of those bad choices I have trust issues and anxiety. He made me a scared little girl, he never intentionally hurt me, but I felt abandoned by him and my mother. They were so busy trying to hold on to what was left of their marriage that all the memories I have of them as a young child was of them not being there. I was going back and forth between my grandparents, I have more memories with my grandparents then with them.

After we moved they decided that they were in the right time to bring another human into our family, I was 9 when they had another child, Kenan, I was so jealous. In my head he took my parents from me. I had just gotten the picture perfect family and I felt loved and cared for, but once he came along. I felt like I was left to the side.

At the age of 14 my mom gave me another brother, Xavier, my baby. I was very excited for his arrival, I was more mature and I wanted my parents to stop comparing me to Kenan. When she was pregnant with Xavier, his heartbeat was very hard to find so the doctor believed that she had lost the baby.

I remember that day, praying to God to let him live, that if he let us keep him that I would make sure he is cared for. I promised I would put him first. Since then he became my world, and I became his, he and I formed a connection that is hard to explain.
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"You are happy today. What are we doing today?" Xavier asks.

We are seated at the dining table eating our breakfast. We have talking about his friends when he changes the subject and comments on my smile and the happy dance I was doing while making breakfast.

"Today is Ava's party remember, mom said I have to dress you cute." I respond with a smile.

I love Ava, she is a little tomboyish, and likes to talk to me a lot. She calls me 'sister-in-law' because she thinks it means that she sees me as a sister. I find it funny that she calls me that, since I use to have a crush on her older brother.

"Come on let's take you a shower. You stink." I say as I make a funny disgusting face. He get of his chair and we make our way to the bathroom.
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After my parents picked up Xavier I get ready and i make my way to Vanessa's house.
I've been super excited all morning, wanting to see Alex . I can't wait to kiss him and have a few moments alone with him.

As I walk into their house I see Vanessa in the kitchen preparing food for her family. Poor girl she spends every minute taking care of the house.
"Hey!" I announce my arrival as I make my way to her. "What are you making?" It smells good.
"Pasta with chicken. Do you want some?" She asks me, she hasn't turn away from her task.
"Um, I'm good. I'm waiting for my parents to get ready we are going to a party, I'll be eating there. Thank you though." I walk closer and I start to help her with the vegetables.
"Why don't you go hang out with Alex, I'm almost done." She stops me from helping.
"Um are you sure?"
"Yeah. I'm almost done." She smiles at me as I start to walk towards her brothers room.

"Hey Alex, what you doing?" I ask as I walk into his room and I make myself comfortable beside him as he plays his video games. He has small couch in front of the t.v next to his bed. My spot is right next to him with my legs on his lap.

"Don't you have someone else to bug? Or do you just come over to annoy ME?" He says in an angry voice, putting an emphasis on the 'me' part. He grabs my legs and placed them on the floor and then turns back to playing his game.

"Well I'm sorry, I was trying to start a conversation without getting in an argument with you again." I say as I sit as far away from him on the couch. I try to pay attention to the game he was playing.

"That's what I'm talking about. You start getting offended over every little thing. No one cares. I don't care." He murmurs angrily. He got annoyed by just being around me.

"Why? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of trying to please you and you treating me like a 2 cent whore." I say as calmly as I can. I'm trying really hard to focus on something else other than his verbal punches that I know are about to be thrown.

"Because that is what you are. A 2 cent whore." I stand up after he finishes the sentence.

"And now your acting like I hurt your princess heart. I'm just being honest."He tells me.
"I'm sorry that I'm not tough enough to handle your low blows. I'm not one of your girlfriends, I don't need to stand your mood swings." My voice gets angry as I finish the sentence.
"You are right. You aren't my girlfriend, you are no one to me."
"Okay. Have a nice life, asshole." I walk as fast as I can out of his room.

What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment from him. I deserve better.

Why can't he care for me? What have I done to him? I'm always nice to him and the only time I'm a bitch is when he offends me. I was taught to defend myself, what does he expect, a submissive princess? Yes, maybe I should. Maybe that's all I have to do for him to like me. Stay quiet.
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As I leave to the party all I can think about is all the words that have come out of Alex's mouth for the past months.

Ugly

Bitch

Slut

Stupid

Mediocre

And the list goes on and on.

Oh God, why am I crying? This is Alex we are talking about. He does this all the time. Then what's the difference this time?
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"Porque no comes?" (why don't you eat?)my mom asks as she serves my dad and brothers food.

"I'm not hungry and besides I don't eat red meat." I respond. My parents don't speak English but they understand it.

"Andale. Un Hotdog" (come one, just a hotdog) she encourages me. I'm not really hungry, my mind has no time to think about food, all it has time for is Alex, like always.

When I'm in the verge of bursting, either in tears or anger, I can't really swallow food and if I do, it comes right back up, and that is exactly how I'm feeling right now. I stand as fast as I can from my seat and I rush to the bathroom.

"Que pasó?" (What's going on?)My mom asks as I walk out into the party.

"I don't feel good. Can we go home?"