Loving You. . .

Numb and Lost

"It is so much safer not to feel, not to let the world touch me." Sylvia Plath

"Mom, she can't do anything, she is worthless." Alex tells his mom after I had told her that I was never taught how to sew. I turn to look at him and then I look back at Mrs. Parra.

"I would like to know. Can you teach me? And also how to use the sewing machine?" Mrs. P grabs the needle and thread and hands them to me.

"Why are you even trying? Your hands shake like a chihuahua, you won't be able to get the thread through the needle." His words were meant to hurt, but after what he said at the wedding, his words don't have an effect on me.

Why should they hurt if I'm no one worth his time and if I'm not, then he isn't worth my time either.

I haven't cried over him since that day in the church, when he didn't consider me family after knowing each other for 12 years. I don't know why, but I feel numb, I don't feel happy or sad or angry, I feel nothing and it starting to worry me.

This was never me, I was always happy. I was a crazy girl who made mistakes and didn't care what other people thought. Now I'm no longer happy because I worry too much about what people will think of me, he made me this way.

"Tambien quiero aprender a cocinar."

"No sabes?" Mrs. P has a shocked face.

"No me enseñaron."

"No sabías madre, ella es una niña chiquiada y malcriada. An ungrateful little princess. Who is also worthless and unimportant outside her family circle." The last part he says it in English so his mom won't understand.

"Your mouth works on repeat, I have heard all of this before. Mia is worthless, Mia is stupid, Mia is unimportant, Mia is blah blah blah. Guess what Alex, Your words stopped meaning shit after a while."

"How about this, Alex is heartless, Alex is a sexes pig, Alex is unloved and uncared for, Alex got left by the love of his life and no one gives a shit." I yell at him. His mom has left the room to look for something.

"You did not just say that." He face showed pure anger.

"I just did. What? Did it hurt? I'm only being honest. Heard that before?" I turn his own words against him.

"You were my friend when I told you about Jenna." I shrug my shoulder. Vanessa has left the room, she doesn't like to get into these arguments.

"And you considered you my family until you told someone else that I was nothing to you. So how about this. Stay the fuck away from me if you don't care, because I'm getting tired of your shit." He stayed speechless, his mouth opening and closing.

"Just for once let me be happy. I want to be me again."

"I'm sorry." He gets close to me and kisses me.
I push him from me.

"What do you think your doing?"

"I'll stop hurting you." And he kisses me and again and I reply his kiss.
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I look at Cassia's face, there is no emotion showing.

"He did what?" I on the other hand show anger. "You guys are living in a hotel for the past month and he just up and left. What kind of father does that."

"He said that he was tired of us, he left us with only 700 dollars in a hotel room. He threw the money at my mom and he walked out."

"What did your mom do?"

"She went after him." She shrugs her shoulder.
"And what did you do?"

"I just stood there and I watched him go. It's his choice if he wants to leave us."
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"No te quiero ver. Vete con tus padres, haber si ellos te soportan con tus cervezas." My daddy grabs his bag with clothes and starts to walk out the door.

"No me dejes." I run to him and I clutch to his leg. "Por favor no me dejes, papi."

"Mañana vengo a verte." He picks me up from the floor and gives me a kiss on the cheek before passing me to my mom.

"PAPIIIII" I scream after the door has closed.

"Papi." I whisper into my moms neck.
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I don't know how Cassia did it. I remember how much I cried until my mom forgave him and he came back to live with us. My dad was my world. I can imagine how a girl would just stand there and say nothing.

"This isn't the first time. I mean I pretty sure this time he at least didn't leave with his lover."

"He has a lover?"

"Yeah. I've known since I was little."

"And your mom has always forgiven him?" I ask even though I know the answer.

"That's why I always tell you to walk away from Alex. I don't want you to have the same fate as my mother."

"I know that I forgive him every time, but I will never forgive him if he ever cheats on me. I have made that clear to him."