Loving You. . .

Love and Hope

"All this time u was wasting hoping you would come around, I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down."
Taylor Swift

I hear a knock on my window, and as I'm getting up I see Alexander on the other side. What is he doing? I go and open the door for him.

" what are you doing here?" I ask with my head down, I couldn't look at him, not after everything.

"I came to talk to you, I wanted to see how you were." I walk to the side to let him in.

"What is there to talk about? My best friend thinks I lied to get back at you. She thinks that I made up what happened the other night. How am I supposed to feel?" I respond in an angry voice.

"I'm sorry. I should have done something, defended you." I can see the tears in his eyes.

"You've been saying that a lot lately. It doesn't change what happened that day or all the days before." I walk and sit on the couch.

"After that day, I kept having nightmares. It was like if my mind had it on replay, but the difference about the nightmares was that you would always show up and stop him from getting to me. You have put me through hell and I still saw you as my god, as my protector." I feel tears coming down my cheeks. "I lost every part of who I was and I saw nothing wrong with it. I lost my friend, I lost the relationship with my family, I lost my future, I lost myself, but most importantly, I lost my child, and I still forgave you. I still wanted you."

"I never meant to hurt you. Please believe me." He gets on his knees in front of me and reaches to grab my hands, I flinch and I move them away. He has a surprise look on his face.

"This is what he did to me. I can't be touched without me flinching or having a panic attack. I guess you weren't all at fault. I should have said no when you asked me to be your friend with benefits. I wouldn't be suffering now if I had just walked away. But it's too late now to regret what happened a year ago." I wipe the tears of my face, but I already feel other ones sliding down.

"I have convinced my parents to let me go to Oregon for Uni. I'm leaving tomorrow. For once I'm doing what's good for me, I'm not letting you take that from me. I want my angel to be proud of me."

"You can't leave, Mimi."

"Don't. My name is Mia, you lost the privileges to call me Mimi. Only my family calls me that." I cut him of in a harsh tone.

"Mia, we said that we were always going to have each other. Why are you doing this. You can't leave me, I need you." He puts his forehead on my knees, I can hear the plea in his voice.

"Just like I needed you? When you ignored me after I gave you my virginity, when you didn't tell me about your girlfriend, when I lost my baby, when your dad harassed me and you said shit, or when you called me worthless. Tell me, what did you do when I needed you?" I try to keep my voice even, unafraid. "You left." I cry out the last part. "I needed you and you left me." I'm sobbing now. I feel him get up from his knees and sits next to me on the couch. He buts his arm around me and I burry my head I his chest, I can hear him crying.

After what seemed like hours we both stopped crying.

"I can't let you leave. You love me, I know you do." I know he does, I have proven it to him so many times before.

"That's not a good enough reason to stay."

"What do you mean?"

"I want you to tell me why I should stay here, with you."

"I..."

"Give me a good enough reason to stay and confront everything together."

"I..."

"Leave."

"What?"

"I said, leave. If you can't be man enough to own up to your feelings then leave." Oh how I wish he would say those words. He gets up from the couch and walks to the door. "I'm sorry for believing that you could actually love me." And he walks out.

********************************************
Dear Alexander,

Im sorry for not being good enough for you. When you asked me to help you forget about Jenna, I thought that I could do it. I thought that I could take the pain away just like you took mine. Did you know that before I learned your touch I would fall asleep crying every night. You made my nightmares stop, because I knew that you could protect me. And I guess I wanted the same for you, I wanted you to feel protected by me.

I fell in love with you that summer before senior year. Your sister was too busy with summer courses that you would sit me down next to you and we would play video games. I didn't know it was love until that day in the bathroom, when you kissed me and I pulled you closer. That day I knew I loved you because I was no longer afraid of your touch, instead I craved it. I didn't want to believe that I had actually fallen in love with you, because the next day you hurt me with your words. After that day I told myself to fall out of love, but I never did.

Tonight, I wanted you to say those three words, that you know I feel, but you didn't. I like to believe that you feel the same way. My mom told me that sometimes you find the right love at the wrong time, and maybe that was us. I want to hope that maybe in a couple of years we will see each other again and then, it will be the right time.

Until then, I want you to know that I'm leaving because I want to do what's best for me. So much of my life I have spend it pleasing other, making everyone happy, but now I have realized, that it's my turn to be happy.

I hope one day we meet again.

Love,
Mia.

I fold the letter and I put it on my jacket.