Broken Ones.
Seventeen.
"Ilang special events pa ba sa buhay niyo na magiging ganyan yung role nyo sa isa't isa? Ikaw Mikay ah. Baka naman kayo na talaga pero hindi mo lang sinasabi?" sabing ganun ni Dindi
"Hindi nga. Friends lang talaga." sabi ko naman, and sighed.
"Nakakamiss yung taong yun." pasimpleng sabi ko
"Edi iteks mo!" sabi niya naman
"Busy sya." sagot ko
"Mikay naman. Laos na yang linyang yan. Natatakot ka lang eh." sabi nya
"Ano pa bang dapat katakutan ko? Ha?" sabi ko sa kanya
"Yung totoo." pasimpleng sagot lang din nya at umalis na.
Yung totoo, ilang linggo na din kaming hindi nagkikita ni Miks. Ansabe, busy daw sya masyado sa school. Ako din naman ah? Busy? Halos hindi niya na ko kinakausap. Halos hindi ko na alam yung nangyayari sa kanya. I assumed na yun na yun. Na, tapos na yung role ko sa buhay niya. Kaya eto ako, trying to make things work on my own. Kahit ang hirap pala.
"Anong mukha yan Mikay?" tanong sa akin ni Jane
"Wala." sagot ko naman
"Wala daw. Sus." sagot niya at inakbayan ako
"Sige lang. damahin mo lang, lilipas din yan. Tsaka, dami pa namang iba dyan eh. Andyan pa si Richiebebs mo oh." sagot niya ulit
"Hindi naman sya yung gusto ko eh." sabi ko naman, then, she just sighed.
Ilang days na lang ba bago magpasko? 2 days? Pero, hindi ko man lang maramdaman yung saya na dapat nararamdaman ng bawat tao bago mag pasko. I just wanted to feel loved. Pero, wala eh. Hindi mahanap ng puso ko yung taong gusto niya. Hindi ako mahanap ng puso ng taong gusto ko.
From: Engineer
Kamusta na?
It took me a while bago magreply sa txt niya. Parang kelan lang na ang saya pa. Bakit ngayon, ang lungkot na lang bigla?
To: Engineer
Anong nangyare Miks? :(
From: Engineer
Hindi ko din alam eh.
To: Engineer
I Missed you. :(
After ng message na yun, hindi na sya nag reply. And it felt like my whole world just tumbled down for losing the chance of having him back. Pero, ilang sandali din, napansin kong may bumubusina sa labas ng bahay namin. It was Miks. Dali dali ko siyang nilabas sa bahay.
"Anong ginagawa mo dito?" tanong ko sa kanya
"Mamimiss mo padin kaya ako kahit malaman mo yung lahat lahat sa akin?" tanong niya, then I remember Jane's word, 'Hindi mo pa siya kilala'. Maybe this was it.
"Lumayo ako kase tama si Jane. I'm not good enough for you. Pero I wanted to give it a shot on you. Kahit 20-80 yung chance na maiintindihan mo ko, okay lang. basta nasabi ko sayo." he started
"Hindi ko alam Mikay yung dahilan pero gusto kong sabihin sayo to. Kung bakit sayo ko lang gustong sabihin to. Hindi ko alam kung bakit gusto kong malaman mo yung kabuuan ng tungkol sa akin. Basta, gusto ko, alam mo." dugtong niya pa, wala akong masagot. Gusto ko din bang malaman to? Tsk. I sat on the pavement where he just stood. Tas nung makita nyang ready na kong makinig, he sat beside me. I sighed. And then, he grabbed my shoulders for me to see him face to face.
"Demanding ba ko masyado kung gugustuhin ko pa din na after kong sabihin sayo to sana ganun pa din tayo?" I just stared at him blankly.
"Mikay." sabi niya and held my hand. Naramdaman ko namang sincere talaga si Miks. He was even teary eyed.
"Adik ako." I am lost with his words. What did he just say? I stopped breathing. Wait. What?
"Busy masyado si mama at papa sa trabaho. Si Kuya, nasa abroad. Kami lang ni Joross yung naiiwan sa bahay kasama mga kasambahay namin. And I was just trying to get out of the shell. Gusto kong maramdaman na may nanay at tatay ako. Gusto ko lang magpapansin. And then I met this spoiled brats dun sa school namin, they introduced me to it. Wits, drag racing." sabi niya, nakikinig lang ako. I can't say anything.
"Muntik na nila akong ipa rehab. And that time, naramdaman kong may nanay at tatay pala ako. Meron palang nagmamahal sa akin." dugtong niya pa
"I was just highschool then. I know the rules but I also know that I could break it. And then, when I was in college, I met Zharm. And I changed. I was totally out of it." sabi niya. Hinihintay nya yung reaction ko pero I was still in my blank state.
"Nagbago ako. Alam ko yun. Totoo. But when Zharm left, she took away every part of me. With her. Nabalik ako sa dati, hanggang umabot sa puntong nakita ako ni Sister Ma. Sa school using it. Merong mga nakaalam, at isa na sina Jane dun. The way they look at me, alam kong may nagbago na. At alam kong things will never be the same way."
"Pero, kahit yun yung nangyari, hindi padin nila ako iniwan. They pushed me to go further. Na kalimutan na lahat yun. Eh sa gago ako eh. Tas dumating ka. Dun ko naramdaman na nag back off sila. Ngayon ko lang na realize kung bakit, kase, ayaw ka nilang masaktan. Ayaw nilang magkaron ng halong walang hiya yang buhay mo. Pero, hindi ko kayang lumayo. Sinubukan ko. Ang hirap. Hindi ko alam pero, yung puso ko, inuutusan akong biglang magbago." after that, it was a long pause of silence.
"Hindi mo talaga siguro matatanggap yun. Sorry Miks. Pero, eto ako eh. Yun yung kahapon ko. Eto yung ngayon." sabi niyang ganun. Bago paman ako makasagot. He stood and left. With disappointments marked in his eyes.
Seeing him walk away, me not saying anything about it.
I think that was the worse part of our real-ationship.
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Dear Nick, i just wanna let you know na walang nagbago. Di ko din inakalang wala. Ewan ko. Pero, ganun talaga yata siguro. When you finally start getting attached too much to someone, you start loving that person fully. No buts, no whys, no what ifs, no past. Kahit ano pang pero yung nakakabit sa taong yun, basta mahal mo. Mahal mo. Ang role mo nalang yata eh yung hindi hahayaang mapasama ulit sya. :)
October 27,2013. Tapos na to. :)
