LDBM

Chapter 15: RESCUE ME

BONNIE

I jumped on each leg trying to squeeze my swollen legs into the pant legs; they would not fit. I sat down on the small bench placed in the dressing room, breathing heavily and threw the pants to the ground defeated.

"I can't fucking fit anything!" I mumbled angrily. "You see? You see what I have to go through?" I said to my round swollen belly.

I kept the baby.

Those first few days after leaving Tom I didn't know what to do. I was afraid to raise a baby all alone. I didn't want to think about Tom but here was a piece of him growing inside of me. Thankfully, Vivian gave me the space I needed; she was there but she also was not. This allowed me to think long and hard about what I wanted to do. If I wanted to terminate the pregnancy, I could go on with my life, start my business up again and begin a new chapter. If I were to keep the baby, I would be a single mother and have to deal with raising a child on my own and try to find a job that would allow me to take care of us. After weeks of thinking about it, I choose the easiest decision that actually was the hardest decision for me. I chose to keep the baby. I chose to love this baby and care for her no matter what happened, no matter how much it may hurt me to look at her and see Tom.

Yes, I am having a baby girl.

I also couldn't let Tom go. This may seem crazy, but I couldn't get rid of the love that we made. The little girl growing inside of me was not just some baby, but she was a symbol of the love we shared. Those three years of love, chaos, arguments, make-ups, laughs and heartaches were molded into the child inside of me.

I am approaching the seven-and-a-half-month mark of my pregnancy and I have never been more anxious and ready for anything in my life. This pregnancy has been rough from the start. I have experienced morning sickness which I would like to add does not only happen in the morning, nausea, heartburn, swelling, and urinary frequency. Sometimes I find it hard to do even the smallest things such as taking out the trash, doing laundry; anything for that matter and my growing belly is in the way of everything. My baby is very active. She moves all day long, which is quite interesting to feel her kick and shift positions. My favorite is when she has the hiccups. I imagine that is what it would feel like to have butterflies flutter in your stomach. I have weird cravings too; I tend to crave cheese and green apples all hours of the day. Vivian keeps the fridge stocked with apples and all kinds of cheddar, Swiss and American cheeses. Now it is getting close to the end, and I am very excited and nervous. I just can't wait to see my beautiful baby girl. I wonder how she will be, how my life will change, how much of the both of us I will see in her.

The excitement started to sink in so much that I made a huge mistake and did not realize until it was too late. Almost a month ago, I went out shopping for the baby with Vivian and my mom. Since I did not have nor really want a baby shower, I needed to get the last few essential things on my own. When I quit my business I did not just let everything go; I rented the space out to a beauty salon and have been putting that money in a savings account for the past year.

Once I decided I was keeping the baby, I slowly started dipping into that savings fund and putting it towards baby stuff. Family and friends helped here and there but I did not want to rely on them or leave that responsibility on them. Before I knew it, I had spent three thousand dollars already and still needed so much more.

One beautiful spring day, without even thinking, I swiped the credit card Tom gave to me. I panicked instantly. How could I be so fucking dumb? Then I realized I handled most of Tom's finances anyway, he probably would not notice. Then it clicked that he didn't have the card cancelled, even though I had been gone almost two months. Once nothing happened and another week had passed, I decided to try again at babies r us on this gorgeous crib I wanted but could not afford. The card went through and nothing happened. Then a week later, I brought baby clothes and diapers. Again, the card went through no problem. My mom joked that in some way Tom was unknowingly helping to provide for his child. My only scare was that he would find out and cancel the card or that he would be able to use this to track and find me. Although I am still madly head over heels in love with him, I still did not want to see his face after what he had done.

I grabbed the too-small-for-me jeans and placed them back on the rack and left the store disappointed. Throughout this entire pregnancy, I have been trying to shop at my old clothing stores but just getting larger sizes. Most of the time it works, especially with loose fitting tops, but jeans, not so much. The button hurts below my belly and I never feel like I can move in them. I am also discovering how painful swollen feet can be. Some days I stay in the house all day due to the pain I am feeling in my sore feet; my back, my legs and breast all hurt or are severely tender most days.

Vivian has been a big help even though she is extremely busy herself with her career. She recommended that I attend this single mother's support group to help me cope with how life may actually be for me soon. As much as I wanted to protest going, attending the first session helped me tremendously. The group was not just single moms to be like myself, but also mothers with older children, infants, and teenagers. It was a relief to have someone I could relate to and support me through this pregnancy.

I pulled up to Vivian's SoHo townhome then carefully brought my new clothes and baby items into the house. By time, I had everything in the guest bedroom put away neatly and organized, I was sweating and out of breath. This baby was taking a toll on me; so far, I had gained twenty-nine pounds and most of it was all in my stomach. I sprawled out on the comfortable red-sheeted bed and turned on the television as well as pulled out my laptop.

Vivian was away with her boyfriend for the weekend and I was all alone. I sat with the television on to keep me company, clicking through pictures on People magazine. My phone vibrated and I looked down to see who was texting me. It was not a text but actually an email from my YouTube account. I opened it and saw what I expected last to see. My subscription box telling me that Tokio Hotel's new video Sand & Honey  had released. My eyes widened and I clicked on it immediately.

As the commercial came to a close I felt my heartbeat growing faster and faster. Mixtures of anger and happiness rose within me and I did not know exactly how to feel. My initial reaction was of anger. How could Tom go on with his life without me?

I began to wonder if he was with Ria, then my mind went to logic and I realized it was I who separated myself from him even though it was something he caused. The video played and I watched it in awe. My eyes were glued to my computer screen looking at the black and white music video. Four minutes and seventeen seconds, it was over. I sat full of so many emotions that I began to cry. I tried to tell myself that it was all these damn pregnancy hormones but I could not lie at what I just saw. The video featured a girl who could pass as my twin caressing and kissing Bill in old bathroom sitting in a bathtub.

"That's what I would look like making out with Bill," I snickered to myself. Bill seemed to enjoy being with my lookalike, he kissed her very passionately, as if he was able to finally achieve something he had always wanted.  

I replayed the video and began sobbing as I looked at it for the second time. Tom had used one of my favorite memories of us to create this music video and I cried with each lyric. The video was beautiful and for a second it gave me hope that Tom did not just forget me. He still loved me and he still thought of me. Maybe, just maybe this was his way of saying that he was sorry. Whatever it meant, I knew that not only did I love it, but also so did Sophie. She moved and kicked inside of me and I decided to play the video again for the third time. I held my stomach, rubbing over where she was kicking me fiercely and strong, crying thinking of the love I had for her dad.

"Sophie" I hummed. "My darling baby girl."