LDBM

Chapter 23: FOREVER NOW

BONNIE

...present day

It has been one month since Tom and I learned about the twins who at a recent doctors visit, we discovered to be healthy identical twin boys.

Tokio Hotel is currently on tour in Europe so Tom and I decided to hold off even longer for our wedding. At this point in my life, I am not even sure if I want to get married anymore. I feel I am ruined; I am no longer qualified to be married. I look in the mirror and see my growing belly and I am ashamed. I am ashamed at what I have done.

My hormones are all over and unbalanced but even I know my tears are from regret, shame, and guilt.

I find myself rubbing my belly praying and hoping that they would somehow be Tom's. My brain is all over the place trying to figure out if there is a way to see who the father of my children are. When I think of the dates and how far along I am in my pregnancy, I cannot help but to think these twin boys belong to Bill. Tom and I were in a very rocky place. The whole sex tape mess completely took over and for a while, I wanted to alone.

We argued constantly and Tom resorted to partying and getting shit-faced drunk instead of dealing with the issues at hand. My methods were not the best as well. I resorted to nagging and yelling – something I honestly have never done before. I was constantly irritated and so was Tom. Would you want to make love with someone you would rather punch or not see? I do not think so. Therefore, we did not.

We went to Magdeburg for Georg's wedding and honestly, it was a huge relief. So much had been going on in the states that we openly welcomed the change of pace, scenery and atmosphere. I have always enjoyed Germany, but this time was so special to everyone. My closest friend was marrying the man of her dreams.

All of Georg and Natalie's family attended the wedding; everything was beyond beautiful. Simone, Tom and Bill's mom, was also in attendance. She was a great help because she held Sophie hostage the entire time. Tom and I were so appreciative because this gave us a much-needed break.

Being in Germany for five days, I thought that Tom and I would have one-on-one time with one another but I was wrong, very wrong. Of course I knew we would be separated by the bachelor and bridal parties, but Tom chose to be with the guys for four out of the five days – One day being the actual wedding. This made me angry and irritable the day of Natalie and Georg's big day. Natalie being the feisty and loving friend that she is, handed me a drink and told me to quit being a bore and drink my sorrows away. I laughed it off but after five more times of me trying to have some kind of intimate contact with Tom, I decided to drink.

By the wedding reception, Tom was plastered and I was very drunk myself. Why should he have all the fun?

The reception was exceptional. Once the DJ began, everything became a blur. The liquor rushed through me and I let go of the strings holding my inhibitions. I do not remember much about the first hour or so but I do remember dancing with Natalie to 'The Heart Gets No Sleep'.

I remember dancing the night away, all of a sudden I spilled my drink on Bill's fancy shirt and hair, next we were both crammed in a small bathroom with my legs wrapped around his neck.

I remember the feeling of him inside of me, how I felt that my soul was on fire. I can still feel his kisses upon my skin as his tongue ring and piercings slid about. I see his eyes, almond and identical to my loves, as they open then close in pleasure. I hear his moans shooting signals through my ears. Most importantly I hear his words; "I am in love with you Bonnie", and they scare me more than anything does.