LDBM

Chapter 26: BLACK

BONNIE

Two weeks have passed and Tom has not been home a single day. He moved into a condo somewhere in San Diego but refuses to tell us exactly where. I cannot call him or text as it seems he's blocked me from his phone. Every time I try, straight to voicemail. My only contact with him is through Simone; she has become the mediator in this whole ordeal. She meets Tom somewhere in between San Diego and West Hollywood and she picks up Sophie to bring her to me. She doesn't even know where he lives. Sophie has become like a package; we pick her up, drop her off then keep repeating the steps. Although Tom has had her for most of the time apart, I am appreciative that he even allows me to see her after what I've done. I feel like a horrible mother and I for what I am putting her through I am constantly in tears.

I am to be induced tomorrow and I am so nervous. Although I've developed preeclampsia, the boys are doing great. With this diagnosis, my doctor feels that it's safer to get them out right away. I am thirty-seven weeks and they are weighing heavy on my body. They are weighing in at six and five pounds. It's crazy to think that a mere eleven pounds needed to add an extra forty-one pounds to my body, but it did. 

My doctor has been telling me for two weeks that "IT could happen any day now" and it hasn't. When I saw her last week, she said I was 95% effaced and if I don't go into labor by last Tuesday, she would induce. I'm in shock that the little ones are still hanging on tight after thirty-seven weeks. Today, I finished the last small changes to the nursery and still had enough energy to start organizing by baby bag. Were it not for the fact that my ankles are four times their regular size, I'd probably keep on going. I needed something to take my mind off of things even if it was task to look after them.

Honestly, most days I do not go out. 

I have my store being managed while I run everything else from home. I can't face anyone, not after what I did. I'm embarrassed and highly disappointed in myself. Last week I finally faced the music and told my family the truth; it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. My mom made me tell her everything from Georg's wedding night to when Tom left fourteen days ago. 

For days I had mixed feelings about what happened, about those last two hours. I cannot go in the studio anymore. I look at that frosted glass door and all I can think about is that night. I still hear Bill's cries, glass being shattered, and Tom screaming like a mad man. I find myself holding onto my neck thinking that Tom tried to kill me, not once but twice. I felt that he truly would have if Simone had not intervened on both occasions. 

However, I understood. When I stood there while his hand covered my mouth or squeezed onto my throat; I wanted to die. I felt I deserved to die. Everything that I had done to him was punishable of death in my mind, but not my children. I was relieved when he let me free but then again freedom from him was not what I wanted. Bill on the other hand is another story. He had two broken ribs and his face still have not fully recovered from Tom's punches. His eye was black, then blue and now a dark yellow orange color. He's also been staying out of the public eye.

However it kills me at times to say, Bill has been a great help. 

These last two weeks have allowed him to be the father that he wanted so desperately to be. I am so ridiculously pregnant that I cannot even do simple task, therefore I need him around to help me. I was adamant about his distance for so long but now I know that I cannot go throughout my day without his assistance. He cooks, gets things for me, he cleans; he welcomed this change and duty freely and happily.

A month ago, Sophie's room had turned into the twin's nursery. We switched her to the room we had initially planned for her to be in, that was a little down the hall from ours. Not until last week did it truly hit me that I was having twins without Tom here. I know I sound truly naïve and childish by this simple notion but it pains me that Tom is not here to love me anymore, that he is not here to experience this with me however awkward and wrong the situation was.