bitches love cake

the one where there are days

another lowkey sad one. warnings: mentions of mental illness (anxiety, depression) also title is from one of my favorite songs by the ready set

Calum's head was spinning, he couldn't focus on anything and the pounding in his head helped him none. he shook his head in an attempt to shake off the pain of the upcoming migraine and he continued to drive home from work. He couldn't seem to focus on anything all day; he had just started to return to work after the break he had. he's had so many gray days the past week, he doesn't know if coming back was the right choice. ("gray days" are a phrase I use for my own mental illness, it means those days where you just physically feel like you can't do anything and your entire life is terrible and spiraling out of control)

calum finally made it safely to his home and walked through the front door. he leaned down and took off both shoes, set them neatly beside each other and turn towards the living room, all ready to burrow under 3 blankets and eat a warm bowl of Mac and cheese. but he was halted at his own front door by the figure that sat on his couch.

"how did you get in?" Calum swallowed thickly and tried to force his eyes too look away from the love of his life who was sat on the couch across the room from him.

"your sister gave me a key, she wanted me to be able to check up on you. I thought you weren't opening because you didn't want to see me and I needed to talk to you, but I saw you weren't here" calum breathed deeply

"well Luke, what did you want to talk about?" Calum stuffed his hands in his pockets and stared down at his shoes.

"I found your box of letters under my bed last night and because I'm a nosy fucker I decided to read them and it turns out they were all addressed to me and the last one was dated the day you moved out and I'm not quite sure why I thought this was a good idea, but here I am, on your couch, wondering why the fuck were not together anymore"

Calum was taken aback, shit, that's where he left the letters.

"they weren't really addressed to you. I used the letters as a journal but I wrote them like letters to you, I didn't mean for you to read it."

"well I'm glad I did, because of I hadn't I would never had known what was really going on. why you moved out, where you went, why I hadn't heard from you in 6 months. I loved you, and you just dropped me."

Calum put his head down into his hand and shook his head. "that's not how it happened at all, I was sick! I wasn't mental healthy enough to love you and loving you was becoming a weight on me. I had to get better, it wouldn't have been fair to you."

"that's just the thing calum how do you know? I don't care what's going on, but not trusting me enough to tell me hurts like shit. you were at the hospital for months on end battling your depression and anxiety and I was crying at what was our home. if you had to break up with me, could you tell me instead of completely disappearing" Luke had stood up from the couch and walked towards Calum.

"these letters are so detailed about everything you went through while we were together. I'm so damn sorry I couldn't help you" calum shrugged and looked at Luke.

"I didn't tell you for a reason, I didn't want you to feel sorry for something you had no control over"

"but that's the thing, you're punishing yourself for something you can't control either. I just wished you could've let me try to be there" calum nodded and reached forward to pull Luke into a hug. Luke chuckled and hugged back just as tight.

"can we try again?" the blonde whispered into Calum's neck, his own face heating up with nerves. Calum slowly detached himself from Luke's embrace and took a step back. he crossed his arms and lowered his gaze on to the floor.

"I um, I don't think so. I just left the hospital about a month ago and I still don't feel okay yet. I honestly don't think I ever will and I don't feel comfortable being a relationship right now. I'm really sorry." calum began rocking back and forth on his heels, a sign that his anxiety levels were raising. he pushed his hands in his pockets and found the little hacky sack in his pocket and squeezed it in his fingers as he concentrated on breathing deeply. Luke watched and noticed all of this.

"that's fine, but can I be in your life? I don't want you to be alone" calum nodded and began walking into the kitchen.

"I have instant Mac and cheese if you wanted to stay for dinner?" Luke wildly smiled and nodded, following calum.

they weren't together, which bummed Luke out alot, but he understood what calum was saying. Luke had never had to deal with a mental illness of any sort so he has no idea what calum is feeling or how to be there for him but he's going to try his hardest. luke will always be there and when or if the time comes, he will be here as Calum's boyfriend, and hopefully his husband.

but until then, luke will love, support, and help calum in anyway possible. because the greatest gift is someone you love loving themselves.

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I tried to make it sad but also realistic and I hope that it turned out okay. I myself suffer with mental illnesses so if I was really unrealistic about lukes character please tell me and I'll fix it but I hope you guys like it even though they didn't end up together!

leave love!