【 insomnia 】destiel

✧ night eleven ✧

Dean

I drove back to campus with a sick feeling in my stomach, hoping that Cas was there, that he was safe and okay.

Ive never felt more disgusted with myself as i remembered what happened earlier. I kissed that girl back, and when i pulled away, i felt awful. If Cas where to see that, i would never forgive myself.

But it meant absolutely nothing, nothing at all.

After all, it was to make her ex upset, it was the least i could do.. Right? I mean i know what i did was wrong, but at the same time, i WAS helping that girl out.

I sighed as I tuned the street to the campus, a small amount of guilt starting to sway over me. Cas trusts me right? I mean he always says it, but would he every trust me if i told him what happened?

I cant lose him, and if that means not every bringing this up, then ill do it.

I slipped out of the car and closed the door with a sigh. I tried to think of something nice, anything to take my mind off of the whole situation.

Images of Cas at the fair soon covered my vision, the way he smiled at almost anything he saw. The way he practically danced when he won the prize. I glanced down at the large stuffed toy in hand, squeezing it as more memories flooded back.

Castiel Novak, his blue eyes, the way his eyes crinkle at the edges when he smiles. The way his hair curls up everywhere when he wakes up in the morning. The small sounds he makes when we kiss. Everything about him is perfect, and he doesn't deserve to have me as a boyfriend, not after what i did.

I was pulled out of my thoughts and was miraculously at my dorm. I took a deep breath and quickly slipped on a reassuring smile as i opened the door.

A sigh of relief escaped my lips as i saw Cas fixing his bed. "Oh thank god! I thought you got kidnapped or something!" I shut the door and ran to Cas as i squeezed him into a hug. "Why did you leave?" I asked letting go to give him a kiss, but he pushed me away.

"Why don't you kiss that girl at the ferris wheel? You sure enjoyed her better at the time." He snapped crossing his arms as he took a step back. "Y-you saw?" I practically whispered in response.

"What, you didn't want me to see you cheating on me?" He tilted his head, a pain in his squinted blue eyes. "No-o thats not what happened!" I argued back as i tried to reach out, but he flinched back. "So then what did happen?" He asked darting his eyes up and down at my mortified appearance.

"They shoved me into the ride, and i sat with the girl, she said her ex was watching us and she wanted to make him jealous! I kissed back but it didn't mean anything, i swear!" I stuttered back as i lent forward. "Sounds like bullshit dean." Cas grumbled in response as he went to our dresser.

"Well its the truth, don't you trust me!?" My voice cracked as i saw his start to shove clothes into a bag. "Its kind of hard to trust you now when i literally saw you making out with a random girl, ON OUR DATE!" He yelled slamming the compartment shut before walking around me to get to the bed.

"I know, i wasn't thinking at the time, i forgot okay?" I scampered as he put up his laptop, along with many chargers. "Oh you forgot we where on a date.. Of course thats your reason.." He scoffed rolling his eyes as he quickly disappeared into the bathroom, leaving the door open.

"Thats not what i meant Cas.." I whined as i heard him shuffle and drop things as he packed. "So what do you mean then? You cant just go and kiss girls because there ex is there! Your in a relationship for gods sake!" He shouted back as he walked back into vision, his bag closed and over his shoulders.

"Cas I'm sorry okay? I swear it didn't mean anything, it was a mistake, everyone makes mistakes!" I pleaded as i grabbed his arm, but he yanked it away as he walked to the door.

"Where are you going?" I felt the tears sting my eyes as he looked down at his shoes, his hand resting on the doorknob. "I know I'm over reacting.. but.." Cas bit his lip as he looked up at me, his eyes watery as he sighed. ".. I cant trust you anymore Dean, i need to clear my head, you need to clear your head.. I need to think about us; our relationship as a whole, and i need to do that alone. So, I'm leaving, i don't know when ill be back but when i do, my mind will be made, for the better or worse."

He turned the knob and was halfway out the door, but i wasn't done yet. "Cas what if its for the worse?" I asked, choking on my words as he glanced at me from the corner of his eye. "What if you come back and we cant be together anymore?"  

Castiel smiled faintly as he turned his head to look at me, the tears swelling his eyes as he spoke. "If that does happen, just know that i loved you dean,.."

"..I love you so much."