Special

Dear Diary

This is for PentaholicSmiles insecurity thing! I really wanted
to do that so I hope that you all enjoy this.:)

Special will be updated. My best friend of twelve years is graduating tonight.:)

Here goes...

Dear Diary,

Whenever singing is brought up, it is always associated with beauty.

Ethereal harmonies.

Women who could belt.

Men who throw in a falsetto or two.

People have indescribable ranges and could sing whatever song they want to.

Me?

I can't sing.

Even though I have been in choirs my entire life, I could barely hold a note to save my life.

I could never sing in the right key. My choir teacher always calls me out on it and I become insecure. I some understand why I can't be...

Great.

Why can't I be like Diana Ross?

Or Kirstie Maldonado?

Why can't I just sing random high notes that shatter glass or sing a note so low that it shakes an entire stadium?

I hate my voice.

I hate how quiet it is.

I hate how people don't understand what I say.

I hate it when I get into arguments with people and they talk over me even though some of them know I have 50% of my voice that actually works.

I hate that I might not have a strong voice again.

I hate the fact that I have to have a vocal implant surgery that might not even work.

I hate that I might not be able to be a part of the women's ensemble because of how weak my voice is.

I hate how cancer took away my voice.

I will never be able to speak loudly again even if I tried.

I won't be able to scream in pain.

To exclaim excitedly.

To yell passionately.

To whatever involves exerting my voice.

Cancer gave me all my insecurities.

How I was bald.

How I have a scar on my chest.

How I can't speak loudly.

People always ask me if I strained my voice.

Or that I need to rest my voice so that I won't lose it more.

I laugh.

But they don't know the truth.

I want to tell them, but I'm afraid that they won't listen.

Nobody ever listens.

Both literally and figuratively.

There might be some magical surgery in the future that will give me my voice back, but my voice will never be the same.

I'm supposed to SopranoPentaholic, not AltoPentaholic.

I'm supposed to sing notes that are high, not low.

I'm supposed to have a loud voice like my mom, not a quiet one.

I hate my insecurity.

It brings me down to a dark place and forces me to think things.

Bad things.

I know God is trying His hardest to make everything better for me.

And He is.

He most definitely is.

I just want my voice back. 

I don't want to be insecure anymore.

I just don't.

Love,

Maddie

A/N: Well...I'm sorry if I made anyone cry. Anyways, always remember that I love you all...so much.

-Maddie🐶💕🎤