is it....LOVE!?

Twenty eight

Rosalind

I didn't refuse to be his date on the opening party of a new hotel he just completed but I didn't want to go.
I felt fat.

My belly fat had gone down reasonably but I was still self conscious. Most of my dresses fitted me a little too tightly and I wasn't comfortable showing off my body like that.
Besides, models, and baby dolls would be there. I'd just be the dark spot on their perfection.

"Mama."
I'm sure my boys noticed how divided my attention was.
I shook myself and turned to Scott.

"Baby."
I mimicked him, pouting.
He smiled.

"I love you."
I kissed his cute nose.
Carter had fallen asleep out of boredom. Grace their play mate who surprisingly knew how all their toys worked, went out for some grocery shopping with Mrs Montero.

I picked Scott up and sat him on my stomach, giving him my best smile.
"I wuv you."
He drawled in response.

I always felt a painful pang in my chest when I think of being away from them. Anytime they drawled 'I wuv u' back to me, my heart would prick painfully and the constant throb in my chest would intensify.

I closed my eyes and took deep breaths to abate the pain.
I heard Scott exhale softly and lay his head down on my chest.

I rubbed his back gently.
"I hope that, one day you and Carter would forgive me."
My throat was so tight I could barely let the words out.
I felt a tear slide down my temple and disappear inside my hair.
Crying brought temporal relief. So I let the tears fall.
I was so helpless.
I couldn't talk to anyone, just bottling it up inside.
I knew that Jake was already fixing our divorce papers.

I still had a few months, seven months precisely but it wasn't enough, I wanted a life time.
I wanted to be the one to walk them to the door and wish them luck on their first dates and tell them how important it is to treat women with respect and care.

I wanted everything I couldn't have...
Beggars cannot be choosers.

A soft tiny hand wiping my eyes was what drew my attention.
Scott was trying to stop my tears, he had this sad expression.

"Mama's fine sweetie."
I said and wiped my tears with the back of my hand. I didn't want him to cry, I hate seeing them distressed.

He studied me for a while, as if to make sure I was alright then he laid back down on my chest, listening to the irregular beating of my broken heart.

His breathing was slowly getting even, he was bored too.

And me, I was far from bored, my thoughts haunted me, day and night, every second. If I was like that already, I wondered how I would be like after the seventh month.

The tightness in my chest intensified...
With each passing day, my appetite depleted, the will to live was slowly being sucked out of me.

How can I survive this?

#

I fell into bed, my head throbbing in the same rhythm with my heart.
After feeding the boys, Mrs Montero and Grace practically pushed me out of the boys room because according to them, I needed rest.

What they didn't know was, I couldn't.
Even when I tried, my heart would keep me awake all night and restless during the day.

My head was aching badly and the dizzy spell won't go away.
I pushed myself out of bed and went back to the boys room.
If I was going to sleep, it would be in that room.
The silence in my room was closing in on me.

I wanted them on my side twenty four hours of the day, every second was precious to me.

"Rosa, I expect you to be in bed, resting."
Mrs Montero's voice froze me right outside the boys room.

I sighed, defeated.

"I can't. I won't be able to."
I know I sounded pitiful but it gets harder to pretend I'm fine with the months running so fast.

"What has that boy done to you?"
She took my hand and led me back to my room.

That boy was Jake.
Her son.
No one else but Mr Blackwood, his wife, Mrs Montero and now I, knew about it.
That wasn't any business of mine. The story was just complicated.

I shook my head then winced.
The headache was still there.

"I'm not buying that crap. He's cheating on you right?"
I sighed, if only that was it...

"I don't know but he doesn't want me anymore."
I said the half truth. Mrs Montero's face was concocted into a scowl as she motioned for me to sit on the single sofa in my room then she sat on the arm and patted my hair gently.

"What happened?"
She asked softly.
I shrugged and tried to make it look like I wasn't perturbed.

"I guess he never loved me. He wants a divorce."
I said. Knowing her, the frown lines on her face deepened.

"I can't force him to love me. What I'm afraid of is loosing my babies."
I was careful not to let my tongue slip, I'd gotten really close to and too comfortable with Mrs Montero.

"These men are so stupid and selfish. How can he not love you?"
I didn't answer her, I just shrugged.
What would you say to that?

"If Jacob doesn't love you, then he doesn't deserve you, he doesn't deserve being loved the way you love him."
I bit my lip hard to stop myself from screaming I don't love Jake at her.

"Jacob may be my boy but I'm not in support of the nonsense he's about to dish out to you."
She pulled me closer to her and hugged me.
God! I needed that.

"Don't worry dear, you will be alright."
She kissed the top of my head lovingly.

I stopped caring completely about Mrs Blackwood the day I learnt she wasn't Jake's real mom.

"Thank you."
I whispered the same time my stomach grumbled.
She chuckled lightly.

"I'll fix something for you and you will eat this time."
She said firmly before leaving me alone.

Did I love Jake?
Hell no!
He hurt me too much.
Every time he took advantage of the attraction I felt for him, every time I remembered how short my time here was, that time I saw him in bed with Lena, even my first time...

Damn! The dizzy feeling was back.
I cupped my forehead, praying my head would not split into two from all the throbbing.

I rose slowly from the sofa, careful not to disturb my brain with sudden movements and started towards my bathroom.
Dark spots filled the room.
I knew I was loosing consciousness, I slowly turned around to get myself into bed before I collapsed to the ground but I felt the world being pulled from my feet and then everything went black.