Finding Myself

Chapter 19

May 19, 2015
"Can you believe it, it's been exactly a month since we became parents." I tell Jo.
"Yeah, I know. I can't wait to see them when they get older." Jo tells me. I can't wait either. Jr is just like Jo, his smile and everything. But he's a Momma's boy. Nina on the other hand, is Daddy's little girl. Always wants to be with him. Only time she really loves me is when she's hungry. Otherwise, she's always with her dad, from eating to sleeping, and everything in between. I'm glad they're growing up with both parents.
"Alright babygirl, I have to go to work." He says to Nina as he puts her down and kisses her forehead. "Alright babe." He tells me as he kisses me on the forehead as well. "Ok, bye." I tell him. It's kind of hard taking care of them both by myself. I mean Jacky is here, but she's due next month, so she can help, but not as much. But the babies are sleeping now, so I can relax.
"Mariah!!!" I here Jacky yell.
"What happened!?" I ask her.
"I think I'm having a contraction." She tells me.
"Alright we have to time them, if they're less that 3 minutes apart, we have to go to the hospital." I tell her. I hope her baby doesn't come right now. She's gonna be here too early.
"Are you timing them?" She asks me.
"Yes, it's OK, she's not coming, the doctor said it's normal. Just drink water and elevate your feet." I tell her.
"Ok, are you sure?" She asks me, I can tell she's worried. Isaac hasn't called or anything, and she's still scared.
"Yes I'm sure." I tell her.
"Fuck Isaac man. I'm stuck raising his daughter all on my own!" She screams. She starts to cry. Man I hate to see her like this.
"Jacky, you to do the best for her. He chose to leave. Now you have to be the bigger person and raise this little girl." I tell her. As I finish, we get a phone call. It's Isaac's mom. It's been ages since Jacky's talked to them. I don't even think they know she's having their granddaughter.
"Hello?" She asks.
"No! No! No! No! He can't be! He can't be dead! No!" She starts to yell. She's pouring in tears. She hands up the phone.
"He's dead Mariah! His adoptive mother filled for an investigation. And they found his body. He was shot blank. I told him about the dangers of what he does. This is exactly what I was afraid of!" She's crying more than I've ever seen her cry.
"What else did she say?" I ask.
"They found a-baby clothes and a beanie with the name "Priscilla" on it. He wanted to name her Priscilla. And all this time I thought he ran away to leave us stranded. I feel so guilty." She says, putting her head in her hands. At this point I'm crying too.
"What are you going to do now?" I ask her. What she tells me, was something that should've came out of my mouth.
"We have to call Jo. They were best friends. More like brothers." She tells me. I didn't even think about that.
"Your right. I'll call him and tell him." I say. I dial his number, not ready to hear his response on what I'm telling him.
"Hello?" Man I don't want to tell him.
"Jo..."
"Yeah babe?"
"We got a call from Isaac's mom"
"Uhuh.."
"He's dead.."
There's silence. He's not saying anything. That's not good.
"Babe?"
"He can't be dead."
"They found his body Jo. He's been dead for months."
"No. No. No. He's my brother. He can't leave this world now."
I start crying as I hear him mourn for Isaac.
"I'm sorry babe."
I grab my babies. They're so innocent. They don't know the dangers of the world yet. But there's going to be a time when the danger of the world is the only thing they're gonna know.

June 2, 2015
"Mariah, I think my water broke." I hear Jacky tell me. I guess she's coming now.
"Alright let's go! Jo, we have to go to the hospital!" I yell. "Ok we have to get you to the car. C'mon" I tell her as I'm walking her to the car.
"I'm getting the babies, I'll be out there soon!" He yells.
"Don't forget her baby bag!"
"Ok Priscilla. Ok, we're going." I hear Jacky say to her baby. She's still hanging on from the news she got last month about Isaac. They only thing that keeps her going is Priscilla. She got to get the clothes that Isaac got her, and the beanie. I just hope that Priscilla reminds that Jacky that Isaac is always going to be with her through her.
We're driving a full load of a new car to the hospital. Jacky is now freaking out. We get there and yadayadayada, paperwork and stuff. Now she's in a wheelchair. We get to the delivery room. My mom came for support on Jacky's behave, and because Jo needs help with the babies. I don't know if her parents are coming, they haven't spoken to her ever since they found out she was pregnant and kicked her out.
"Mom did you call her parents to tell them that THEIR granddaughter is coming soon!" I know I shouldn't yell at my mom, but hell if my mom wasn't here I'll sure be pissed.
"I did, they don't want to come, she's a disgrace to them Mariah. They don't want anything to do with her. That's why I'm here." Why is it that my mom does what others don't? She fills in the little wholes.
"Why are they doing this?!" Ugh I'm so mad. This is their granddaughter we're talking about.
"I know honey, but there's nothing we can do about it." She tells me. Oh yea there is something we can do about it alright. I grave Jo's keys and head to the car. Her parents house isn't that far from here. I start driving. I get to their house. It looks like they're having a BBQ or something. Perfect! I knock on their door. They open without even asking who it is, probably thought I was someone else.
"Oh, hola Mariah." Her mom says, with attitude.
"May I come in? I will like to know faster for your daughter is giving birth to your granddaughter. So how's the party? Oh carne asada, my favorite. Bye now." I tell them, as I leave, I see the guilt in her eyes. That's exactly how she's supposed to feel. As I get into the car she starts to run towards me.
"Wait! Mariah wait"
"What?! As if you didn't hear me your daughter, my best friend, is giving birth, and she's counting on me to be their by her side." Ugh she makes me so mad.
"What's her name?"
"Sorry I have to go. Your disgrace of a daughter is waiting for me to be at her side. But hey I think your carne asada is ready." I say as I leave. I get to the hospital just in time. Jacky is getting ready to push.
"Where were you? I didn't think you were going to be here." She says.
"I wouldn't miss it for the world. You're my best friend. I'll always be here no matter what." I tell her, meaning every word I said.
"Ok, time to start pushing." The doctor said.
"Ok,ok" she says, I can tell she's really nervous.
"It's ok, I'm right here." I tell her. "I here too Jacky." My mom says to her. "Thanks you guys."
"K 1-2-3 PUSH!" "OK good" "A few more pushes"
"1-2-3 PUSH" "1-2-3 PUSH" "I see a head, one more push, make it count." The doctor said. This is it. "C'mon Jacky one more and she'll be here, Isaac'll be here." I tell her, and she starts to cry.
"Ok, ok."
"Ready 1-2-3 PUSH!!" "And there she is a beautiful baby girl!"
"You did it Jacky, she's here." I tell her.
"Good job honey, I'm proud of you Jacky." My mom tells her.
"Thank you for taking us in. I really appreciate it. Your like a mom to me. And I'm thankful." Jacky tells my mom.
"Well I'm glad your happy. And this little cutie." My mom says as Jacky is handed Priscilla.
"She's beautiful." Jacky says.
"Do want to fill out her paper work?" They ask her.
"Yeah, please."
"Here ya go."
"First Name Priscilla
Middle Diana
Last Ramirez
Weight 8 pounds 5 ounces
Mother Jacqueline Gonzales
Father Isaac Ramirez"
Then of course other stuff. Well after she filled out the paper work. Jo came in with the babies.

As I sink in to reality, I can see Jo. His tattoos and everything. He's a different person to others, but to me he's still the same. His drug deal isn't far away from now. Stuff is getting heavy. I haven't told Jacky yet, but they're after Priscilla too. Isaac dealt drugs too. Most likely it was drop gone bad, or a territorial thing, that got him killed. It's not a surprise. I just hope Jo isn't on their list. It's hard enough for Jacky, and now she's having a baby who's father was killed. I have two babies, and I can't raise them on my own without him. I stop thinking about it when Jacky wakes up from her nap.

"Can I hold her?" She asks.
"Yeah, here." I give her Priscilla. She so tiny.
"She has Isaac's smile." She says looking at her. She really misses him. I do too. He was my friend.
"I think she looks like him. Especially with her nose. AMD her big hands." I say rubbing her tummy. She so adorable.
"Bring Nina over here. They have to be best friends." She says. I bring Nina over, Jo had her, of course, but he's sleeping now. I take her and lay her on the bed next to Priscilla. Nina isn't small, but she's not big either. They start to have a little conversation with each other, it's so cute.
"Jr and Priscilla are going to be a cute couple." Jacky tells me. I can't think about that now. He's my little boy. All he should be worrying about is his pachita.
"Hey, we don't know that yet. We're gonna have the talk when he's at the right age. Jo is gonna talk to Jr about it, and I'm going to talk to Nina about it." I tell her.
"Are you sure Jo is gonna, you know be there to do it? I know about the whole drop thing." She says. Man she's right. Something bad can happen.
"I hope nothing bad happens to him. But I can't predict the future. That's why I don't want to think about it. I want savor the moment you know. Especially while he's still here. With the kids too. For all I know they're gonna grow up not even knowing their dad." At this point I'm crying. "I don't want them to grow up without him. I grew up without a dad, and it sucked. You know. And I don't want that to happen with them." I tell her. I'm in tears now. I shouldn't have said that because Priscilla is going to grow up without a dad.
"I'm sorry Jacky. I shouldn't have said that, I should've known. I mean with your situation and all." Man I feel bad.
"It's ok." She tells me. She's looking at her daughter with sorry eyes.

I wonder if that's how I'll be looking at my babies, if I knew what was to come in the next few weeks.