Wayward Hearts

What Happened

Oct. 21

Dear Alex,

I was wiping down the counters, again attacking the layer of stubborn grease covering the counter top with Mr. Clean and a grey rag. My shoulders were aching, but I had nothing else to do because the diner was empty but for an old man sipping a coffee and staring out the window.

Then the door opened. I didn't look up- didn't have to. I would recognize your dark hair, your odd walk anywhere. But this time, instead of sitting lamely at one of the stools, you came right up to me and put your face a few inches from mine. I didn't meet your eyes, because I knew the blue clouds would suck me right back in.

But what you said surprised me. "What happened to you, Carrie?"

Do you want to know what happened? Let me tell you. You left. You said you loved me and then you up and left, and then I met Sean and he is all I need. He doesn't lie to me and he will never leave me. You're hopeless, Alexander Kassian. I don't need you, I never did. All those times way back when have been erased from my mind. We always said we'd escape together, but you left me, and now you're back.

But all I said, with a tiny voice heavy with tears, was, "Go home, Alex."

And I turned and walked into the kitchen and got a glass of water and went out back beside the dumpster to drink it, crying into my cup. When I had calmed down, I went back inside and you were gone.

I only partly felt the heaviness of your absence- mostly I felt the pain of the memory of your presence. Stop yanking at my heart, I'm begging you. (Go home).

Love,

Carrie