Wayward Hearts

You Ruin Everything

Oct. 31

Dear Alex,

Every Halloween they close down the streets and have a huge block party. They have free barbecue and pricey alcohol and people dance. They string lights up between the trees and wrap them around telephone poles, they have games for the kids and a jack-o-lantern contest.

Sean and I went as Fred and Wilma Flinstone. The sun was setting as we made our way, holding hands, to the party by the river. The smell of barbecue was making my mouth water and the sight of the sun turning the water gold, and the silhouettes laughing and dancing against the fiery sky was exhilarating. But, of course, my vision was pulled towards you. You were dressed up as Charlie Brown, with black pants and a yellow shirt was a stripe across the middle.

Sean and I got burgers and Pepsi and sat under a tree with a bunch of our friends from high school- yet another group of people who didn't escape. Lydia promised to bring me over some vegetables from her garden soon. She was my best friend in high school, but I don't see her much anymore, because she already has a baby- a little boy named Tommy.

When it got nice and dark, they turned up the music and people started to dance. Sean seized me by the arm and lead me into the road and tried to make me dance. He jumped and threw his fist in the air- but when he started trying to grind against me, I pushed him away. He stumbled backwards, frowned, said, "I'm going to get drinks," and walked away.

I quickly left the middle of the road, weaving through people, and found a tree to lean against. A few moments later, you were approaching me. Seriously- are you stalking me? Or do you just have magnetic Carrie Radar?

"Do you want to dance with me?" you asked.

"Alex. You know I'm dating Sean and you know I don't dance," I scoffed.

You shrugged and Katy Perry's Fireworks started to play. "But baby you're my firework," you said, smiling like a little boy. I couldn't help but laugh at the impeccable timing, then you took my hand and I let you and I let you lead me out into the road and I let you put your arms around me. The way you handled me was like a piece of glass- as if I could shatter at any moment. We swayed slowly and I felt like we were becoming part of the music, and I took in your smell and your feel and I felt safe.

Then I was being ripped away from you, Sean's hand on my arm, and pulled through the crowd of people. He practically dragged me the whole way home, and I was too scared to say anything, hoping that maybe, maybe, my silence would allow me to evaporate.

But no. Once we were in our front yard, he slammed his fist into my face and I fell to the grass. He grabbed me by the wrist and hefted me up so that I was practically hanging from his grip.

"You're useless," he snarled. "You're useless and ugly and I could let you go in an instant. And then where would you be? Crawling after that motherfucking liar?" He hit me again and again, and threw me to the ground. My whole body was trembling. He kicked me in the side, then bent down and straddled me and pounded his solid forearm into my chest and slapped me three times across the face.

"Get your shit together, Carrie, and learn your place." Then he got up and pounded up the stairs, into the house.

I stayed trembling on the cold grass for what seemed like hours, salt water stinging my lips, wiping blood and tears across my face.

Toughen up, Carrie. Get your shit together. When I was certain Sean was asleep, I crept inside, got a drink of water, and collapsed on the lumpy sofa.

Happy Halloween, Alex. Happy Hallowfuckingeen.

Love,

Carrie