Wayward Hearts

A Million Shards

Nov. 24

Dear Alex,

This morning when I woke up, I wandered downstairs and Emery was sitting at the kitchen table, sipping a cup of tea, staring out the back window. The morning light highlighted her grey hair and pressed against her pale, soft cheeks, giving the illusion that she was glowing.

"Good morning," I said as I went to the counter to pour myself some tea.

"How did you sleep?" asked Emery, her voice pinched.

"Amazing, thanks." I took my mug of tea and sat across from her. I blew on it and watched the steam rise in little wisps into the air. "Where's Alex?" I asked.

"He went out already," said Emery, looking down into her mug, her eyebrows drawn over her eyes. She swirled the liquid in her cup and concentrated on it as if it might tell her about her future. I sipped some of the burning liquid, then set the cup down and rubbed my thumb over the burn on my wrist.

"Is everything okay?" I asked.

Emery closed her eyes, then sighed and set her mug down. She looked up at me and there were tears welling on top of her bottom eyelids.

"What's wrong?"

"Carrie, there's something about Alex-"

"What? Is this what you and him were talking about the other day? Is everything okay?"

"I think he should be the one to tell you-"

"What's happening?"

"He's out by the barn, I believe. He's been having a... hard morning."

"What do you mean a hard morning? Emery, what is it?"

She pressed her lips together in a pencil line, then looked back down at her cup and took another tentative sip. My heart was racing and I fumbled to stand up and grab my winter jacket, scarf and mittens. I bolted out the back door, calling your name, the deep snow impeding my steps.

It was frigid out. The wind whipped against my face and my eyes began to water. I heaved over to the barn, stepping in and out of snowbanks, and stopped by the barn door to catch my breath.

I heard a voice. Your voice. You were mumbling something almost inaudible- I could only catch a few words.

"Go away," you said. "Get out. Leave me alone!"

My heart hitched in my throat.

"Alex?" I said, quietly.

You didn't respond.

I pushed open the barn door slowly, and found you pacing, your hands on your head, gripping your hair and pulling on it, then releasing it and threading your fingers through it, mumbling. You didn't look at me. You weren't talking to me.

"Go away!" you said, throwing your arm out into the air. "You're ruining me!"

"Alex!" I shouted.

You didn't even seem to register me. You continued pacing and your voice got louder as you began to scream at the air.

"No! I can't hear you! Get out out out! I won't listen! I won't!"

I wanted to run to you, but fear had frozen my muscles. Tears began to stream down my face and I wiped my cheeks with the back of my mittens. "Alex, sweetie," I whispered. "Who are you talking to?"

"Do not hurt her!" you screamed, then you turned and bashed your forehead into the wall.

That's when fear let me go and I ran, numbly, towards you and wrapped my arms around you, pulling you away from the wall, restraining your tall, muscular frame with my under-fed, tiny body.