Wayward Hearts

Mind Games

Nov. 25

Dear Alex,

It was a long, silent drive to Waldegrove Psyc. It took all my strength to stay awake- I hardly slept at all last night. I spent most of the waking hours thumbing through your sketchbook and putting the things you would need into a bag- toothbrush, pyjamas, underwear. Pencils, a book you were reading, watercolours.

I watched the snowy landscapes roll by, sniffling, my knee bouncing uncontrollably. When we arrived, it was a painful walk up to the door of the huge, cold-looking, looming building. Inside it was warm and there was a potted tree by the door. I followed Emery up to the desk, looking around at the mostly empty seats. There were two men and a woman in the waiting room- all looking rather worn and sad, one man hitting the palm of his hand against his forehead. I had the sudden urge to want to cry again, but I swallowed it back. (No more tears.)

"We're here to see Alexander Kassian," said Emery, firmly.

"Third floor," said the receptionist, disinterestedly. She was a stout lady, and looked a lot like a slug. It seemed like her butt had formed to fit the chair perfectly, as if she hardly ever lifted herself from that spot.

You would have thought that was funny.

Emery and I made our way up to the third floor. The hallways were white and pristine, a few posters advertising the flu shot or portraying an inspirational quote scattered here and there. Once we reached the third floor, Emery found a nurse almost instantly and asked for you. The nurse nodded and smiled, saying she would be just a moment.

I watched her walk into a side room. I could see people scattered about behind a window reinforced with tiny wire squares between the two panes of glass. She walked over to you and spoke to you and you looked up at her and followed her out to us, a bandage across the top of your forehead. When you saw me, you didn't smile. You just opened your arms and I let you consume me with your warmth.

"Can we have some time alone, please?" asked Alex, and Emery and the nurse left. You took my hand and lead me to your room. It was about the same size as your room at Emery's, and there were two beds, another potted tree, a tiny window reinforced with wire squares, and a tiny bathroom with just a toilet and a sink.

We sat down on your bed, side by side.

"I'm sorry," you said after a little bit. "I didn't want you to leave me."

"I would never leave you," I said.

"I was afraid you'd be scared away."

"I'm not that easy to get rid of."

"I should have told you."

"Yes," I said. "You should have. But we're going to work through this together. Okay? I am not leaving. Not now, not ever. Got it?"

"Got it."

"That was scary yesterday."

"I know." You sighed. "It's like this- I have to ignore them. The voices, the people who don't really exist. But it's hard because they're always pressing at my mind, trying to make me give in to them. But I won't. I won't."

"Okay," I whispered.

"When I left after high school," you said, "I didn't want to. They diagnosed me and took me away. I spent the whole time thinking about you."

"Alex," I breathed, trying in vain not to cry. "I'm so sorry."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

We were silent for a moment.

"Can I kiss you?" you asked.

"With the horses?" I mouthed, and you smiled crookedly, the bandage on your forehead crinkling.

I leaned towards you and you put an arm around the back of my neck, pulling me closer and meeting your lips with mine. I pressed myself to you, wanting to feel every motion and every space where your lips touched and lifted off of mine. We breathed the same air, trying in vain to morph into each other, to become one perfectly broken creature.

I love you, Alexander Kassian. Don't ever lie to me again.

Nothing will ever make me leave you.

Love,

Carrie