Anomalous Lovers.

You chose the needle.

I'm suggesting that you all listen to the song "How could you leave us" by NF.

I closed the door, walking into the house. It was dark. It was around 2:00am and I had just left the hospital after visiting Cyn and seeing the baby. The child is beautiful. He has his father's eyes. Just as I was walking through the living room I noticed something strange. I paused staring into the kitchen where she had lay. It wasn't an unfamiliar sight, but it was something I didn't want to see. Immediately anger filled my veins. It was no surprise that she was using again, but I caught her this time. She was passed out. She had fallen out of the chair and was on the marble floor now. Needle in her arm, pills spilled on the table, and the beer still in hand. Tears welled in my eyes. I stamped toward her. "Get up!" I fall to my knees disgusted. Flashbacks of my 12 year old self trying to take care of this woman coming back to me. I went to shake her awake, but flinched as soon as my fingertips touched her skin. Immediate change in how I was feeling. My anger was replaced with fear.

Why is she so cold? I hesitate to touch her. "Mom?" A word I hadn't said in a long time. I caress her face, shaking. There was no way to hold back the tears now. "Mom.." I cried this time. My throat seemed swollen. This was different. This wasn't a usual blackout. This wasn't a usual high. I don't know why, but I screamed. I screamed so loud...

You put that needle in your arm for the last time, and this time you let it take you from us for good.

My dad was down wasn't home. Myra wasn't home. Why the f**k did it have to be me? I lost it. I lost me at that moment and it was as if the fragile 12 year old I used to be was me in that moment. "No, mom.." I slide away only a few centimeters from her body, my back against the dinner table. "No mommy." I weep. I don't know how long I stayed there hiding my face in my hands. I pulled my phone from my jacket. I didn't know who to call. I don't know why, but I tried calling Shawn first. No answer. Next I called Red, but no answer. If I was in my normal state of mind I would've called the police, but I wasn't. I was about to call my dad, when Shawn's incoming call interrupted me. "It's 3 in the morning." He says. "She's dead." I broke out crying nonstop. I was a mess. I could barely breath as I spoke. Sucking in oxygen before I spoke each word. "She did it again! She just-She's so cold I don't-I don't know what to do!" My chest had never hurt so badly. "Amira, what the hell are you talking about? Calm down and talk slow." I was quiet for a while. "Amira?" He says. "My mom..I just found her on the floor and..." I try breathing, but it was so hard. "She's so cold, so cold" I repeat. He was silent. He sighed. Of course he doesn't know what to say. "I'm so sorry." He says. "Did you get help? Where is everyone?" He says softly. "Nobody's home." I whimper. "Wait did you call the police?" He asked. I shake my head "No." I say realizing I should've done that first. "Baby, hang up and call them, call your family, okay? I'll be there." I hung up and look back toward her body, quickly looking away. I text my family, since no one had answered my calls. Next, I dial 9-1-1.

After finishing the call, I stood up. I didn't want to leave her there, so I went to the hallway closet and place a blanket over her. Sitting there next to her, I began caressing her back. I lay on my side, closing my eyes and think. I think about her before the drugs. I think about her before the pain. I think about her before she was lost. I think about the real her. I think about her. My throat feeling dry and pinched, I moped in silence.

Why would you leave us? How would you leave us here?

I heard a car door slam. I stayed put. The front door is knocked on, but when they realized no one was answering they barged in. As I expected it was Shawn. He paused in the door way, seeing my odd position. He knew I was out of it. Slowly he approached me, forcing me away from her and into his arms, not saying a word and only stroking my hair. Moments later the sirens were heard in the distance. "It's gonna be okay." He says, kissing my forehead. I glance over at her body once again. I look away, hiding my face in the nape of his neck. My eyes felt so raw, so puffy. Shawn's comforting hand rubbing against my back as I continued to cry them out.

Why would you leave us? How could you leave us here?

I think of you when I get a whiff of that cigarette smell.

Now our relationship is something that we'll never have. Why do I feel like I lost something I never had?

You took them pills for the last time, didn't you? They took you from us once. I guess they came back to finish you.

I hate the way I remember you.

Found you on the floor. I could tell that you felt hollow. You gave everything you had, plus your life to them pill bottles.

How could you leave us here? Why would you leave us?

...Sometimes I think about like..Sometimes I think about things like when I have kids. Y'know...You won't be there, you know. You won't be there for any of that. I'll never get to see you again.

Sometimes I wish I would've just called you. I would've just picked up the phone. Wish you were here. You should've been there for us. You should've been here. Pills got you right? Them pills got you right!

I wish you were here.

I literally cried writing this..Is that weird?

Anyways. So I haven't updated in a while and it will probably be this way all summer, since I usually visit my dad in Memphis and plus we're going to Florida and always doing things. I usually get depressed when I'm with him and his girlfriend because I'm uncomfortable. Her kids are terrible and my siblings and I don't like them and vice versa. So I apologize now for me being very down in the time to come. I hope everyone is doing well though.

Much love,

-Memori