Neglected Desires

Chapter 9

A few hours later I woke, my face resting against Prince's hairy peck and his arms wrapped around me possessively. The quiet, muffled snoring resonating from his parted lips told me he was actually asleep this time and while part of me wanted to lay there wrapped in him, the other part of me knew that today was going to be filled with questions and I needed time to get myself ready for the answers I didn't want to give. I managed to untangle myself from his solid arms without waking him and I quietly made my way back into the guest room. In the lonely silence of the guest bathroom I tried to clear my mind under the warm spray of the shower. Images of the the things I was going to have to explain slowly crept into my mind and I tried to push them back; I tried to look at those memories as if I was a third party watching a fictional movie. That is exactly how I had managed those memories for the last decade and if I was going to keep my composure today I needed to do the same. 

More than an hour later I stepped out of the guest room and into the small living room of the apartment. Just as I came out I caught sight of Prince setting out a tray with Danishes and French press coffee on the ornate glass coffee table.

"Good morning." My quiet voice brought his rich eyes up to meet mine as an almost shy smile appeared on his lips. As I walked past him those arms wrapped firmly around my waist pulling me into a familiar deep kiss, my hand gently caressing his cheek as our lips found a comfortable rhythm.

"You disappeared." His voice soft as our lips parted, but he showed to sign of letting me go.

"I wanted a shower, but didn't want to wake you."

"Wake me next time." His eyes told me he was serious and I nodded in agreement as his arms released me and he quickly looked me over. "Nice shirt" he chuckled quietly at the worn Purple Rain t-shirt I was wearing over my black leggings.

"Well thanks." Grinning from ear to ear, "I see you're all dressed up yourself." I joked as I looked over his low cut black tank top, black pants and bare feet.

"Just for you sugar." He winked as I took a seat in the far corner of the dark purple couch, pulling my legs up to sit cross legged. I watched as he made my coffee, a little sugar and a little cream, the same way he made his. I nodded my silent thanks as he handed me my full cup before he took his place in the opposite corner of the couch, stretching his legs out toward me. "I had my assistant reschedule everything I had on the calendar for the next few days. It's just you and me. No phone calls. No appointments. No visitors."

"Oh." Taking a sip of coffee and raising my eyebrows suggestively at him. With that a silence fell over the room and it lasts for some time. I studied my light colored coffee and I could feel his eyes studying me. He had questions he wanted to ask, but the silence told me he didn't know how to ask. Or he was afraid of the potential answers. Or he was just hoping I would offer up answers with him having to ask. "This is great coffee."

"Yeah, it's a local roaster..." We both grinned, acknowledging the awkward small talk, my eyes caught sight of his bare toes nervously wiggling as I put my now empty coffee cup down on the table. "Alexa?"

"What do you want from this Prince?" My eyes stayed focused on his toes, my hand reaching out to touch the soft skin on the top of his right foot. He was always wearing heels and seeing his exposed feet reminded me that no matter what we do have something special. He was comfortable enough with me to show me his feet. To some that may not seem like anything big, but knowing how willing he was to expose nearly everything to his fans in skimpy or tight clothes, but never his feet. His bare feet were for moments when he was truly comfortable, truly exposed.

"I want you. What do you want? Besides my foot?"

"You're feet are cute." I smiled as my eyes found his nose scrunched up as he distastefully mouthed the word 'cute'. "I want something serious," he cocked his head watching me in earnest, "but only if it's just you and me." He nodded for a moment.

"I like that ideas. We should do that baby." A big smile pulled his lips back, showing those white teeth for a moment before he bit into his bottom lip. "About last night..."

"I know." I cut him off, my eyes wandering back down to my hand still resting on that soft skin. I felt my smile fade and it was replaced my a blank expression as I wondered if he would still want the same thing after this.

"You can tell me anything." His words were soft and I knew he meant it, or at least he meant it as far as he could imagine what I was going to say. With a deep breath I took my hand off his foot and settled back into the soft corner of the couch. Our eyes met, his soft, bottomless gaze was so confused as he studied me.

"The other night you mentioned when we first met and how you didn't like the guy I was seeing, Jason." Prince nodded silently and I shifted my gaze down to my fingers, which were fumbling with the hem of my shirt. "I really thought Jason was great. The night you met him was maybe our third date. I found out a few days later he had a bit of a temper, but hey who doesn't." My voice has gotten quieter and my mouth was already going dry. "Anyways, I'm..." Drawing a deep breath threw my nose and not daring to look at his face, instead I glanced at his toes which were still wiggling nervously, "a few weeks after you and I met, Jason and I were at a club, his friends band had played a small gig and we went to show our support. I don't know, I guess I had a lot to drink that night...I danced with a lot of guys...maybe I flirted with people I shouldn't have... I blacked out at some point" The memories flowed over me, images, smells, sounds. Things I hadn't thought about in years and I could feel the tears building, but I was not going to cry about this, this wasn't me. Taking a deep breath I tried to convince myself that those weren't my memories, that these things never happened, not to me. That was the only way I was getting through this. "I woke up on a dirty couch in the dressing room with his friend Chris on top of me. I told him to stop but he didn't. I tried to fight, but Jason held me down. He told me I needed to be taught a lesson about acting that way in the club." The sound of a shaky breath filled the room and I want sure if it was mine or Prince's. "They all took a turn and then that's where they left me." My voice was so empty sounding I barely recognized it. "I didn't tell anyone for the longest time. It was probably a week or two after I saw you again that I realized I was pregnant."

I swear I felt My heart stop for a moment as that word passed over my lips. His toes were still now and a heavy silence fell over the room as I tried to find the words, the right words, the easiest words to get through this. "I had an abortion a few days later. The night after Jennifer stopped by to check on me and found me in a pool of blood on my kitchen floor. She got me to the hospital," My voice trembled for the first time and I tried to steady myself. "The clinic had botched things pretty bad, they caused a lot of damage...to me...they had just...everything..." My voice trailed off and I finally found the strength to look up at him, hoping to find some comfort. Instead that normally soft face was unreadable, cold almost and his expressive eyes were blank and staring off deep into the distance. I could feel tears teetering on the edge of falling, but I refused to cry in front of him. "So the answer to your easy question," pain now clearly evident in my trembling voice, "I'm not on the pill, but I can't get pregnant ever again." His face didn't change. His eyes didn't move an inch.

The longer I sat there waiting for him, waiting for something, the more I felt my hands start to shake; the closer those tears came to escaping my eyes; the louder my heart grew. With a silent nod I left him there and disappeared into the guest room where my silent tears were finally allowed to fall. Tears I'd been holding in for a decade. Tears I never wanted to acknowledge. Tears for what had happened to me, for what I'd lost and for what I felt I was losing now. I paced the room throwing my belongings into my bag, trying to focus on the here and now.

"Why are you packing?" His voice was so quiet I almost thought it was in my head.

"You don't need this." I answered with my back to him. "You're Prince. You can have any woman you want. You don't need someone this damaged, this broken." My tears were audible and I couldn't find a way to control them. With out a word one strong arm came around my waist and another came around my shoulders, pulling me back tight against his frame.

"Yes any woman I want and I want you." I felt myself relax back into him slightly and he placed a soft kiss on my neck. "You're not broken and your not damaged." Taking deep breaths I steadied my breathing and focused on his touch, trying to push the memories back. "Look at me." I turned in his arms only to find those dark eyes were red and his cheeks were damp with tears. His embrace tightened around me. "I'm sorry those things happened," his hand brushed my wet cheek, "I promise no one will ever touch you like that again."