Neglected Desires

Chapter 15

He was quiet for the longest time. His head resting against my thighs as my fingers trailed through his thick hair. From time to time he would draw a deep breath and I would notice his eyelashes rest against those sharp cheek bones.  They would stay there long enough that I would start to think maybe he's fallen asleep, only to open again, as if he could read my mind. Lips part to speak, only to close again without breaking the silence.  The silence sank in around us disrupted only occasionally by his now familiar deep breaths. Delicate fingers left his dark hair caressing along the line of his neck before my palm came flat against his bare shoulder.

"I just don't know what he could want now." Words so quiet I wasn't even sure if I was meant to hear them or if he was merely pondering out loud for his own benefit. "We haven't really spoke in two years." His voice was heavy with emotion and it was hard to tell which ones exactly.

"But I remember you two seemed ok around the time Purple Rain came out." That was really as much as I knew about the situation, other than something has obviously happened and Prince basically stopped talking about his father.

"Oh yeah." The cynicism in his voice wasn't him and it left a sour taste in my mouth. "He was real pleased to be a part of things then." His hand traced invisible lines along my leg, but his body language told me he was deep in the past; nearly lost in memories. Dark eyes focused on those invisible lines as though they were the only tether keeping him from being physically sucked into the past. "As soon as buzz started around the movie he was real quick to rebuild bridges with me. He wanted to get on the train," another deep breath, this time angry breath filled the room, "and I let him."

"Didn't he want to fix things with his son?" That's was what I had always assumed, perhaps ignorantly.

"That's what I'd thought at first. He acted so proud," his fingers stopped drawing, letting his palm lay flat against my shin, "maybe just a little too eager, a little too happy to call me his son."

"Hmm..." My palm massaging the tone bicep under it as his words rolled through my head.

"Yeah, he always wanted something," agitation, no, maybe hurt, maybe both, "he was never just happy for me, or proud, it was always about what this could do for him. I gave him joint writing credit on a few songs, and he was up set he didn't get full credit, even though he didn't actually help on those songs at all. I've let him live in my old house and pay for nothing and he's mad it's not a bigger house. He has no bills, they all come to me and I pay them. I still have money forwarded to his account every month so he has spending cash and he's never happy with how much it is." An exasperated sigh crossed those lips as his palm covered his eyes, fingers stretching out to rub his temples.

"So," trying to choose my words carefully, I look up toward the ceiling briefly and what I find brings a slight grin to my lips before I return to the delicate topic at hand, "maybe you feel like he's using you a little?" I don't even have a chance to worry about him lashing out at my words as he releases an angry laugh.

"Oh I know he is." His cheeks developed a slightly pink hue that appeared to be traveling down his neck. "When Under the Cherry Moon wasn't a big success he was the first person to tell me I was done." Running the back of my hand over the spreading redness on his neck I could feel his pulse starting to race. "Then when the LoveSexy Tour didn't make as much as we thought...that's fucker..."

"Hey," drawing his attention as he turned on the bed, the back of his head now on my thighs as his eyes sank into mine, "I'm right here." His eyes were swimming in emotion, emotion that threatened to take on a more physical from right before my eyes.

"He told me it was a shame I'm not a talented as I thought I was." My heart broke as I watched all of the emotions well up in his eyes. "How he thought he could be proud of me, but I was nothing but a failure." Soft lips turned in as he steadied himself, nearly hazel colored eyes blurry, as he steadied himself. "He said my mother had wanted to abort me and he fought with her to not do that," one tear rolled from the corner of his eye, my thumb quick to wipe away the emotional evidence I knew he wouldn't want even me to see, "but now he regretted his decision and she should have just killed me then."

My heart was caught in my throat and I tried to swallow all the things I wanted to say. Showing my anger with those words would not help him in this situation. I awkwardly bent down and left a lingering kiss on his forehead. His eyes were studying mine, perhaps waiting for a reaction, waiting for what I would say, but there were no words that were going to make this better or ease that blow in any way.

"That's not the first time he's said things like that." His eyes closing and the resigned tone in his voice was so raw I could feel the knot in my stomach tightening. "Before he kicked me out, when I was young, he'd tell me from time to time, that I wouldn't be anything and it would be best if I died young and maybe Mattie was right that I was a mistake that should have been done away with."

"What the fuck?"  I looked away from him and stared across the room in disbelief. "That's your father. How could he say things like that?" My head shook as if that was going to make the words fall into a better order, something I could actually make sense of.

"Hey," my eyes were pulled down to his, "I've been over that shit for years." He entwined his hand with mine. "You don't need to fight the battles from my youth."

"But that's something you shouldn't have ever had to get over." Part of me couldn't understand how he was so nonchalant about all this, but he's had years to process this all while it was all new to me. "I'm sorry," letting my anger slowly drift, "I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't that." He sits up, bringing his lips to mine in a soft kiss.

"I know, there's a lot between him and I and I've never really told anyone." The sound of his voice told me there was a lot more between them, but that now was not the time. "I know I need to talk to him, but it has to be on my terms."  I could only nod my head at his words.  "I'm gonna head down to the studio," his words came as he stood up cast his eyes down toward me. 

"Do you mind if I sit quietly with you down there?"  His answer was only a small grin as he bend his hand out for me.