Neglected Desires

Chapter 38

My hands held surprisingly high above my head, his single strong hand gripping my wrists together, while his other trailed over the curve of my hip, before pulling me tight against him. The alcohol swirling in my brain, jumbling my thoughts and reactions, not to mention the warm sensation of his tongue caressing mine as I felt the elevator start to climb slowly. My brain told me I was mad, I was furious with him, but as I reached out to push him away, I instead found my hand landing firmly against the emergency stop button. The loud ring of the warning system and the heavy jerk of the car broke us apart, my jaw slung low watching his slightly confused expression as the alcohol in my system continued to control my every move: preventing every bit of sense I had from taking hold.  My hands still under his control, I tried rocking my hips up hard against his growing arousal, a groan accompanied by a displeased look his initial response.

"We need to talk Alexa." his voice stern, teetering as close to threatening as anything I'd ever heard come from him, but still tinged with that slightly laughing smile. I tried for a seductive grin, something alluring to avoid the conversation I didn't want to have anymore, but I could tell that seductive wasn't what I was managing as I watched intently at his reaction and I didn't care, only pushing my carnal desires to the front of my brain.

"Oh come on," biting my bottom lip like every slutty drunk I'd ever judged at closing time, "his royal badness isn't gonna walk away from an offer like this, is he?" The nickname he'd never liked and I'd never used fell from my slightly numb lips and with it that inviting and slightly teasing smile left his lips. I was left standing in the still stalled elevator looking at a cold, lost expression.

"You're fucking drunk Alexa." The distaste that coated the sound of my name as it tripped over that swollen bottom lip barely even caught my attention as he released my wrists and stepped back from me a few steps.  Dark hazel eyes glaring at me, the disapproval in that gaze generating a thick tension that even I, in my altered state, couldn't miss.  Without another word his finger found the button to restart the car and the elevator continued it's assent.  He stood for the rest of the ride, his back against the car and eyes locked firm to the cold metal doors.  With a gentle ding the doors opened to the top floor and without a word he stalked to the double doors of his lavish suite, me following close behind, not sure what else to do in the current situation.  My mind was a raging storm of conflicting ideas.  Part of me wanting to have a conversation, an argument to get past everything that stung so badly about this evening. The other side of me wanting to take the easy path in this relationship, use our physical connection to move past this and avoid the uncomfortable conversation at all.  Shutting the solid door behind us, I stood swaying in the entry way as I watched him kick off his heals and over to grab a cold bottle of water from the minibar. His back to me as he took a long drink, the long column of his neck stretched out as he tilted his head back, that prominent Adams apple bouncing with each swallow.  I made my way up behind him, clumsy hands landing on his hips, as I rested my chin delicately on his sharp shoulder.

"Let's not talk about it tonight. . . " hands trailing around the curve of his body, fingers landing on the front of those familiar high waisted trousers, only to be covered by his own hands.

"I'm sorry Alexa." that baritone gentle and soothing, causing my mind to scream at me to stop what I was doing and have this conversation with him. "I didn't know until earlier today exactly what was being said. Until then I only knew she was saying something. . ." my heart stilled, I couldn't listen to this conversation. I simply didn't want to talk about this. I wanted to pretend this hadn't happened, that this woman hadn't spread rumors to everyone on this tour about the person I was. I didn't want to think about the damage done or the work needed to repair peoples perception of me, or the fact that my old friend was back home telling people these lies.  It was too much.  I didn't want to think about that night all those years ago, let alone did I want that night and the subsequent events to define who I am for the rest of my life. My lips started trailing sloppy kisses along the soft skin of his neck as my hands pushed against his, trying to move lower along the front of his body. "Come on Alexa, we need to talk about. . ."

"I don't wanna talk." sucking his earlobe between my lips and gently biting the tender piece of skin. "Don't you want me?" My unsteady hands moving sloppily over his torso as the nagging voice in my head told me I had to do anything to keep this conversation from happening right now. Slipping my right hand into his pants pocket, finally finding that firm heat I'd been seeking and wrapping my finger around him through the material of the pocket.

"God damn it Alexa," the loud tone of his voice enough to startle me, and as he pushed me off him I lost my balance nearly falling to the floor, only managing to steady myself as my ass met the edge of the fancy dining table in the room, "I'm trying to have a conversation with you." He paced the room, throwing glances my way on occasion, his voice continuing to rise. "I get that you're not comfortable talking about what happened, but we need to talk about this situation." stopping and turning to face me. He ran his right hand through his now disheveled hair as he stood in front of a backdrop of floor to ceiling window looking out over the lights of the city. I still couldn't focus to save my life and he studied me as if trying to figure out what was wrong with me. "We need to talk about this," he stated calm and matter-of-factly "so it doesn't happen again, or if it does we can both handle it better." I didn't even take a second to think about his words or my actions, I just hooped clumsily onto the table top, spreading my legs, making my small dress lift and exposing the barely existent lace thong I was wearing.

"Come here and we can talk." my hands gripped the end of the table tightly, trying to keep myself upright and steady.  As small huff and a displeased look were his initial response, and had they been his only that would have been fine.

"So what is this Alexa?" his head nodding towards me. "You get drunk and unreasonable and become a complete slut?" The frustration clear in his voice and his body as he stood looking at me with crossed arms and a cold, disgusted look on his face. My numb lips opened to answer his crude accusation, only to be met with the fatal blow. "Maybe that's what really happened that night." It was clear there was nothing but the intent to hurt with his words as he narrowed his eyes at me. "Maybe you got drunk and acted like this backstage at that club, maybe that's why you don't want to talk about it. Maybe it was something you wanted, but then you ended up pregnant. Maybe it is all your fault" My eyes sank from his searing gaze, finding the ivory colored expensive carpet, as I felt all the color leave my face and the air push hard from my lung. It was a verbal gut punch and his silence told me he landed it right where he had intended.  Closing my legs, I hopped off the table and turned my back to him. Tears were streaming silently down my face as I pulled my dress back down and walked to the closest in the hallway. I'd never felt more gutted or exposed than I did in that moment standing in that hotel suite. I reached into the hallway closet and pulled out his long gray coat and my old, familiar black purse.  I vaguely heard him call my name as I opened the doors of the suite and stepped into the hallway, but the sound of his prior words 'Maybe it was all your fault' nearly drowned out the sound of my name on his lips. It didn't take the elevator long to arrive after I pressed the call button and as I stepped into the elevator and let the doors close behind me I felt myself collapse emotionally.  Pressed against the corner of the cold feeling box and clinging to the jacket that was actually his I realized I had no idea where I was going to go or what I was going to do, I just couldn't look at his face right now.  My breathing came in harsh hiccupping breaths, my face beet red and covered in tears and whatever was remaining of my mascara.  I paid no mind to how I looked when the elevator came to stop and didn't even bother to look up until I heard that voice again.

"Alexa? What's going on?" I looked up at Tony's concerned expression, his head tilted to the side and trying to look down to my eyes. 

"He doesn't love me." words shaky and barely above a whisper as his large hand landed on my shoulder, an attempt at trying to comfort me.

"Oh yes he d. . . "

"He thinks I'm lying about being raped, or maybe it was my fault." my words sharp and accusing as I looked up and watched the confusing set of emotions that ran through Tony's eyes. He held my gaze for another minute before pulling me into a firm embrace, my face buried against his shoulder as another wave of uncontrollable tears came forward, pulling the last vestige of moisture from my body.

"It's ok Alexa." his hand smoothed over my back, "we'll get this all figured out." his voice a stern promise.