[RECONSTRUCTING] whalien 52 »˚tk

1003 | 21

Alphabet Boy,

Squishy-hyung did it. I can't believe that he did it. I'm so fucking dense, this is all my fault.

He kissed me.

He kissed me, Alphabet Boy.

Listen, remember all of those times that I hinted here in the notes that I kinda like Squishy-hyung? Well, it's true, I may have a crush in him, and I thought I was going to be happy when he kissed me, but no. I felt nothing, really nothing for him. Not even a little spark of excitement. Not even a tinge of nervousness. Instead, I felt one thing. I was scared.

When he kissed me, you know who was I thinking about? Do you know whom I imagined it with? Fuck, it's with you. When he lips touched mine, I was surprised when you came into my head. I felt so bad, Alphabet Boy, so I pushed him away, and asked him, "Why?". His eyes went frantic for a while as if he himself didn't know the reason why even kissed me, but eventually he spoke. He told me he likes me. He told me he understood that it was still hard for me and you right now, that it was hard for me that you still ignored me because he read this.

No, no, no, no, no.

This can't be happening. He can't like me. When I told myself I had a small crush on him, I didn't ask for any reciprocation of feelings. It was nice to just, feel all of it alone.

No one can like me.

No one.

I was a whale with 52 hertz, you were just like all of them. Alphabet Boy with 10 hertz sound. No one should like me because they couldn't understand, but here he was, telling me he understands. He understands that I'm still in love with you, and says that it must've been so hard for me to keep all of my feelings locked away, and fuck. I'm tearing up just from remembering his words. I understand that he likes me, but I can't like him back.

I should've been angry at him, but no. I cried, for the first time, in front of him. Squishy-hyung hugged me and told it was going to be fine. I should've been angry at him for reading what was inside these letters, but I felt pitiful only. I feel so useless. I feel like I defeated the only purpose of writing what I felt for you and keeping it away so people won't know. Now he knows. Who's going to be the next one?

I felt pitiful for myself.

For him.

For you.

I don't think I've moved on yet.

You were still going to school irregularly, some even thought you were just skipping classes, yet it's weird. You can maintain your grades and they were still high.

What was happening?

I even don't know anymore,

Whalien.