Stuck In Between

Chapter 19

Nicole’s POV:

I can’t even begin to tell you just how bad I feel over this whole situation. Not only have I just lied to Cristiano’s face about everything, I have in fact left him there alone in the hospital with blatant worry and suspicion going through his mind.

I’m sure that if maybe I bucked up the courage and told him straight about my night with Fabio that there’s the smallest bit of chance he would understand. Ok, maybe not. But it would be much easier for me to live with myself each and every day. Rather than being full with guilt each second of the day. I just feel awful. I’m a monster for doing this to him.

But why did I have to be such a bitch and let all of this happen in the first place? If I wouldn’t have gotten talked into letting Fabio come in as he had a bottle of wine then none of this would have even happened. Or more importantly, if I would have learnt a bit of self control then there is no way I would have even kissed Fabio, let alone slept with him.

An ex is an ex for a reason and me as a woman should have the respect for myself, and Cristiano for a matter of fact, to never revisit the past under and circumstances. Did it not even go through my mind at that point as to what he has done to be in the past to hurt me so much? Well it obviously didn’t as I wouldn’t have even gone near him if I remembered just what he’s actually like. I’m such an idiot.

None of this is fair on Cristiano at all. A relationship is built on trust and commitment with your other half, and there I was breaking it all over one stupid, big mistake. I just don’t think I can ever forgive myself for any of this. And if Cristiano was to ever find out then he wouldn’t be able to thank me ever, I can guarantee you on that one. Especially seeing as it was with Fabio… the man Cristiano cannot stand. I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.

I just generally absolutely hate myself for all of this. There I was that night with not a care in the world; Cristiano wasn’t even on my mind once. He deserves someone much better than me. Someone who will respect him and show him that they can be trusted… somebody which isn’t me.

Although, no matter how guilty I feel and how much Cristiano deserves somebody much better than me, I can’t even think of telling him the truth or leaving him to save all of the pain. As quite frankly I know that walking away would break my heart into tiny little pieces. Never to be healed again. This is why I cannot go anywhere near Fabio again. And if I can help it, I can’t let Cristiano anywhere near Fabio either. Trust me; it will be for the best.

“Hello… earth to Nicole.” Mesut laughed from beside me. Snapping back to reality with a shake of the head I turned my head into his direction as he waved his hand in front of my face from the seat in the car beside me.

“Oh sorry, were you saying something?” I asked, oblivious to everything around me up until this point. Well up until the moment Mesut thankfully took my away from my thoughts. I really do have such a guilty conscious right now don’t I? But I’m pretty sure that anyone in my position would be the exact same if I’m honest.

Out of the corner of my eye I watched as Mesut shook his head at me whilst handling the steering wheel as he drove the car back to the house. At last. Today has just been one of the most stressful days of my life. All I want to do right now is get home and get myself to bed. Trust me; it’s the best thing to do right now. Hopefully then all of this guilt and over thinking will blow over. Ok, that’s a bit of a stupid theory to come up with I know. But what’s the harm in hoping, right?

“Nicole, I just don’t know what is going on with you at the moment.” The German from beside me sighed out. And as I slowly turned my head towards his direction I noticed him taking a quick glance at me before focusing his full attention back onto the road again.