How to Not be Awkward (Chanyeol)

LESSON #19 Choose before it's too late

Friday was the last day of our exam and also the last day I am ever going to see Chanyeol. I honestly don't know what to feel. I mean, I know I want Chanyeol but there's also a part of me telling to just let him go because if I took my claim on him, I'd end up losing him too. It's just the same, but the pain would be worse if I choose the latter. This is the best choice, even though it doesn't feel that way.

I had some thinking last night about what Sehun said to me yesterday and I came to conclusion that there's no point avoiding Chanyeol. He doesn't even talk to me anymore and avoiding him would just decrease my chance of seeing him in the school and... this might be the last time I'd see him so why should I avoid him?

I was able to breeze through the exams today even with Chanyeol drifting in and out of my mind. Questions like how can he just leave like that? He has friends here and his family, he has his life here. How could he just go away keeps drifting on my mind along with a lot of incoherent answers and incoherent suggestions on why does it matters so much to me because it all retrospect it shouldn't even have.

The bell rang signaling the end of the class and the end of the term and as Ms. Song asked to pass the paper tears prick my eyes because who am I kidding. I'll miss Chanyeol. He isn't just some guy I took a liking too. He's also my friend and it was hell trying to make it look like it doesn't. I wanted to do the right thing, or at least what feels like the right thing but this fear inside me can't give me enough courage to do so.

I got out of the classroom and find the nearest bathroom I could find.

It's so unfair to get so affected by a mere person but Chanyeol affects me. He made me feel things I didn't know I was even capable of feeling. He made me see things in different views. He changed me without even knowing it and I don't know how to get back to how I used to be. Chanyeol's overwhelming which doesn't feel good but doesn't feel bad either. He fills my brain with clouds, my stomach with air and butterflies. How can a mere person do this to another? It's so... absurd.

I cried silently on my hand. I could hear students filing inside the bathroom, not caring about anything and just glad that the exams were over. It should have been me, if it wasn't for these changes I have gone through this year it would be me, just going on my boring life and boring me in general. It's so much easier that time. It took a relatively short time before the noise around me decreases. Everyone was excited to go out. They want to celebrate the end of exams, and for the seniors like Chanyeol, the pending graduation.

My phone started vibrating on my hand and saw it was Juli calling me. I know what her reaction would be if I let her know where I was and what I was doing so I ended the call and texted her that I don't feel well and that they should go on without me. I think I vaguely hear her and Heejun talking something about a movie night.

I avoided Sehun too which wasn't that hard since he's kinda ignoring me too. When he kissed me on the forehead yesterday, he whispered a "sorry" which I don't know what for and he's walking away, with an apologetic smile on his face. I guess it must have been hard to say to me to go to Chanyeol. I'd be hurt too if I ever said that to Chanyeol, to choose someone over me.

I know I can't stay at this stall crying over my choices like some damsel in distress in some movie so when I was sure I was as calm as I can be, I stood up from the toilet and felt my surrounding. It was amazing how fast the students disperse, eager to be out of school. I sighed. Without Chanyeol and Juli, that would mean no ride and I would have to ride a bus. I looked at my clock and saw I had twenty minute before the bus pulls over at the bus stop.

I took a deep breath, trying to stand up a little straighter and a little braver than I felt. I opened the cubicle and stared at myself at the mirror. I look horrible. I grimaced. Maybe this was what Sehun was talking about, I hate seeing you like this.