How to Not be Awkward (Chanyeol)

LESSON #18 Don't be afraid

I wish it was that easy to ignore Chanyeol like I used to. How I wish that whenever he would sit beside me in our Chemistry table, I wouldn't have these weird feelings inside my stomach and make me feel like it'll kill me not to even have a glimpse of him.

It was too ironic how back then when he was constantly following me around like a lost puppy I wish that he would just leave me alone but now, he doesn't speak or even look my way anymore. It's like I was just a wind. Even when Yifan would randomly talk to me, he'd look away and find some other person to talk to. It's like I don't even exist to him. I got my wish a little late. Now I wish he'd pester me again like the way he used to.

I never knew it was this hard to pretend to be okay. Fortunately for me, finals took up a huge amount of my weekend and even most of my free time and it leaves little space for crying and thinking about Chanyeol which suits me up just fine. It still felt foreign to be crying about on things like this but whenever I do think of it, it is like ripping my heart out of my chest and I don't know how to deal with it. I couldn't tell Heejun or even Juli about this because I knew I was being an idiot by turning down Chanyeol and I don't feel like burdening them with my dumb problems. Juli and Heejun took my down attitude as finals blues and I gladly took the title. At least it would cover up the feelings I was trying so hard to cover even temporarily.

Every day, I'd sneak glances on Chanyeol, unable to stop myself, on the lockers, on my way to my room, inside the gym, parking lot, everywhere. And whenever I do, my heart would clench painfully at the look on his face. I know Chanyeol's not okay. And no matter how I strain my ears to hear what the varsities were talking about whe I passed by them, I can't hear Chanyeol's obnoxious laugh blending with them. I bet his team mates also thought of it as exam blues but I know it wasn't that. We both know it wasn't that.

Heartbreak is a lot harder than reading about it in books. Dealing with it is a lot harder than reading about it. Its pain felt a lot greater than any books could ever describe. I don't think it could even be describe perfectly. It just feels too aguishly painful to be true and it felt so horrible that the world invented such pain then again maybe it's not really the world who invented that but the people, like me for an instant. I created that pain to Luhan, to Sehun and even to Chanyeol.

I had caused them this pain and now it's taking its debt on me by torturing me whenever I see Chanyeol with his sad eyes.

It's ripping me in two. I wanted to see Chanyeol but whenever I'd see him I had the sudden urge to cry because of the look on his face. It was like looking to a stranger. Park Chanyeol never shows this kind of face, it's too lifeless and he's nowhere near at that. So I found solace in library. It was the only place that I could not see Chanyeol anywhere. The school's not small but it's not impossible for our paths to cross but here, our chances of meeting could be decreased by almost 30% because Chanyeol rarely comes in here. I'm here with just books, my thoughts, Juli and sometimes Heejun.

I found myself spacing out a lot lately. I rarely speak too, I was afraid of the things I would say. Chanyeol used my word against me about not believing in fate, and I broke his heart by my words also. Maybe it would be better if I just shut myself up. It didn't come as a surprise though, when Juli tapped her pen on my arm rather viciously to be called friendly.

It hurt but with all the heartache I was experiencing lately, this is nothing. Physical pain is easier to mend than emotional pain. I looked at her in feign interest. I felt bad for having to do that but I just don't want to think anything right now beside school because I know, if I let even just 1% of my brain stray far away from that, it would lead itself to Chanyeol and Chanyeol in my thoughts always makes me cry.

"You've been so out of it lately" Juli observed. I could see the worry just beneath her eyes and saw Heejun side-eyeing us. They had probably talked about this. I feel bad for worrying them but it's like everything that mattered right now was Chanyeol and I know I should feel so sorry about them but I just couldn't feel it. I hate feeling indifferent for them but I don't know how to control my emotions.