Remember Me This Way

Deleted Scene - 10

Hya

Pinasok ko sa loob ng bag ko ang papel kung saan nakalagay ang resulta ng check up ko.  I drove from the hospital going to the studio where the rest of them are waiting for me to come. Tumingin ako sa relo, there is still at least an hour bago ang schedule ng recording.  That is, if i remember it correctly. Naramdaman ko na naman ang lamig sa kalooban ko na may posibilidad na may sakit ako sa pagkalimot. What will happen to me? To us? To everything that we have?

Pagdating ko sa studio, agad na hinanap nila sa akin si Aric.

"Akala ko andito na siya?" I told them. "Akala ko naman magkasama kayo." sabi ni Brent.

"Hindi eh...nauna akomg umalis sa kanya dahil dumaan ako ng hos--" hindi ko na tinuloy "Nauna ako umalis dahil may dinaanan akong importante." my voice fell.

"LQ kayo?" usisa ni Kris.

"Hinde." agad kong sagot. "Banyo lang ako." paalam ko. Hindi na rin naman sila nagtanong pa. Naupo lang ako doon. Gusto kong magkulong at mapagisa. Sa tuwing nakikita ko sila, naalala ko siya at naalala kong may problema.

My hands went to my stomach and held the small baby that was starting to grow inside of me. There is a child inside of me. Aric's child.

I took the small paper inside my bag and read it again. I'm sure Aric will jump for joy when he finds out but I can't tell him about the other thing it will devastate him.

Inisip ko kung paano ko sasabihin sa kanya ang tungkol sa pagbubuntis ko. I thought of many ways but I ended up to what's always effective....through a song.

That's when I started scribbling at the back of that paper.

When you wake up, and find me gone tomorrow I started writing

Don't think I meant to hurt you....I just did what we knew I had to I continued to write it down. Kasabay non ay ang naluluha kong mga mata.

Lumabo na ang paningin ko sa papel at sinusulat ko dahil sa mga namuong mga luha.
I'll say good bye for the two of us tuluyan na itong bumagsak. Paisa isa, tapos sabay sabay.

Ang akala ko ay makakasulat ako ng kanta na magpapahiwatig ng nararamdaman ko. Para sa balita na magkakaanak na kame, pero bakit malungkot at nagpapaalam ako sa kantang sinulat ko?

Dahil hindi ko pwededng pagsinungalingan ang sarili ko. Sa likod ng pagmamatapang kong kaya ko to, andon ang takot ko para sa pwedeng mamgyari sa aming dalawa. I do not need any confirmation from the doctor to know that there is something wrong with me. Ako ang nakakaalala, ako ang nakakalimot.

Natatakot ako na isang araw pag gising ko, hindi ko na maalala ang lahat sa amin. I'm scared that one day will come that all of the memories I had with Aric will be gone, di dahil sa kinalimutan ko pero dahil kinuha ng sakit ang alaala. I did not want to let him go through that pain. Of this pain I am in. Of being unsure whether I'll be able to remember how good it has been.  I do not want him to feel how painful it is to not remember what you do not want to forget.

Aric is too good to deserve this, to deserve me and my bullshit of a disease. He deserves a life that is free of pain. A life that will give him countless of beautiful memories, and memories he can always go back to whenever he wants, whenever he can. I can't give him that. I can't even make my memories stay. How could I make my self stay?

So I'll wait till you're asleep to say goodbye. the last line says. I covered my mouth trying to suppress my cry even though I was breaking in millions of painful pieces inside.

I fixed my self and went out of the restroom and saw Aric was already there. His eyes were glowing, his smile contagious, his voice was happy. It stung my heart once again. But I pretended not to notice.

Niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit. Mahigpit na mahigpit at kinarga. Gusto ko sanang umiyak sa kanya at sabihin na lang ang totoo. I wanted to breakdown in front of him, to bare before him the pain I am having. I had thoughts like that but the smile on his face stopped me from doing so. Nakita ko ang ngiti niya at doon ko naisip na kaya ko ang lahat, kakayanin ko ang lahat huwag ko lang makita na malungkot siya. I can always break down but I can not bear to see him break for me.

Nung nakita kong hawak hawak niya ang papel sa kamay niya at binasa ito, naisip ko kung alin sa dalawa ang nabasa na niya. Nakita kong tinago niya yun uli sa bag ko. I saw how his shoulders dropped.

"Sorry...natagalan ako." lumapit na ako sa kanya.

He just stared at me. I knew he wanted to ask, he wanted to say something but I did not let him. "Tara na Love, gusto ko ng umuwi." nauna akong bumaba sa kanya. Sumunod siya ng tahimik sa likod ko pero pagdating sa dulo ng hagdanan ay naramdaman ko ang bisig niya na kinukulong ako.

"I don't want to wake up with you gone Hya." he whispered in my ear and I felt that lump in my throat but he still continued and my tears knew better.

He trailed his hands over my stomach and said "Don't say goodbye for the three of us."  doon na nagbagsakan ang luha ko.