dear jiyun » jhs

/21/

160710

dear jiyun,

cloudy evening,
the sky is grey

no sound
other than cars racing
and dim, short
thunders
can be heard.

my chest aches a little

I don't know why

but it matches the hurt

of the continuous
thinking that's been
penetrating
my mind

and wanders inside
mercilessly,

series of thoughts
one by one
caused by you

once again.

for quite a long time
I've been
blaming you for
walking away

I remember, like it was
yesterday

how the words
slapped me in the face

brutally
harder,
more than any physical
abuse could have
wounded me

cause you know jiyun,

the things you say
cut deeper
than the things you do

but in the long run

actions are those
who are left immortalized
in the past,
in our history

as the words
easily, inevitably
evaporate.

that's what got me ruminating
one by one
the memories

us

what you did
rather than
what you said.

and you hurt,

cause of me,

and you cried,

cause of me,

and it was fair that
you cussed
at how I was acting

brushing your help off.

it was right that you fired
bullets
with your mouth as a gun

but I didn't understand then

that your patience was
consumed,

and the constant support
you'd never
stop fueling me with

died down
as the times I disappointed you
started to grow

like my foolish thoughts,
taking you for granted.

it's a shame that I realized it
so late,
you would always be there

to guide me see the light

and what I was making a waste out of,
a beautiful life
with you in it

you'd take my mistakes
&
excuse my relapses

healing the stinging sores
with kind words

and a familiar touch
of your
velvet lips on my temple

whispering

it's okay

wiping my frustration
away
with your unending love.

on the other hand,
what I gave you in return
was chagrin
and disillusionment

taking advantage of how
you always held my hand
even if I broke
my promises
again and again

pushing you away
thinking
of you as more than human,

wouldn't get sick of my acts.

every right to curse was yours
and wishing me to never
stand on my feet.

rejecting all you did
to lighten up
my pitch black soul,

I shut you out
with my persistent
stifling tension to let you down

and I had to pay the price.

I deserve losing you,

but I'm sorry.

I will see you again,

hoseok