(TRIGGER WARNING: If you don't like the topic of self harm or eating disorders please don't read this)
I hope you enjoy...
❣
I feel fat
I view myself as fat
And alot of you may not know
I self harm
I'm 4 days clean right now
But I feel like running back to my blade
Like I need my release
Also I've been hiding something
Something I'm gonna be judged for
Something for people to make fun of
Something for others to put me down
Lately I've been purging after I eat things with lots of calories
I starve myself then I'll eat something with lots of calories then throw it up
I don't binge and I try to eat as little as possible
I'm just so sick of being the fat friend
The whale
I hate seeing myself as ugly & fat
I have a friend (not going to say who)
I figured out one day that she has/had (idk if she's still going through this)
Bulimia and anorexia and two of my other friends have anorexia and I didn't want to say anything to them because I don't want to trigger them or make any of them worse but I want to tell them and I had my friend in my lunch and she would rarely eat lunch and I just thought she was like me & didn't eat until she got home but what she didn't tell me was that she was/is starving herself like my other two friends and it just breaks my heart to know that they are hurting there bodies like that while I'm doing the same thing to my body
And it sucks to see the people you love hurting or watching them just drift out of your life and I didn't know how to tell my friends like how do you tell them this? How do you tell the people you love that you hate yourself that you hate how you look and your willing to destroy your body to make it smaller like it hurts me knowing my friends are struggling with this I'm just in so much constant pain it's sometimes paralyzingly numb it sometimes gets to the point where I want to remove everyone I love from my life so I can't hurt them I try to bring everyone I love up while I'm tearing myself down I'm to busy helping my friends build there bridges I can't see mine crumbling down underneath me I try to be the person I wish I had to my friends, the person they can run to and tell anything to without the fear of being judged I want my friends to not be afraid to be completely themselves around me I want to help them so badly that I forget about myself I always put my friends and family first no matter how much pain it causes me and I got really off topic and I'm just rambling...
I hope you enjoyed this I know it's shit but it's whatever
Goodbye my lovely children💖
