Divergent: If War Hadn't Happened: BOOK ONE

-15-

-15-     I would like to dedicate this one to all the people who have read Allegiant, and cried for hours and days like I did. IM SO SAAAAAAAAAAAAAD. Anyways... here you go..

__

Death is on the long list of all the possible things that can happen. Usually, I would've just thrown myself at the problem. This time I wouldn't, I don't know why though. Who am I risking my life for, myself, others? But I see my mother, telling me I need to be safe. It's not crazy to hear that anymore though, ever since I had left Abnegation, it's all about keeping myself safe. Nothings no longer comfortable, it's all about survival now but, I don't just want to survive I want to live. I can't live if I'm putting myself in these situtations because right now, i'm not only hurting myself, i'm hurting other people-- Tobias. All he wants to do is keep me safe but all I've been doing is running and ignoring everything he's been trying to tell me. Maybe now I understand where he's coming from. Maybe now I realise I'm worth something to somebody. 

~

I go see Christina because, she's getting out of the hospital today. I make my way down to the first floor and I don't bother knocking anymore, I just walk in.

"Hey Christina." I say, and she immediatly bumps her head up.

"Oh, hi. Didn't know you were coming."

"Well, you are getting out of the hospital today, I didn't want to leave you here alone."

She doesn't say anything, she just stares at the wall, like it was telling her what to say. There's silence but an uncomfortable silence, a deadly silence. As if something's wrong, I can sense it. There's tension.

"You alright?" I ask.

"Tris." she clears her throat. "There's something I need to tell you but." She looks to the ceiling and the tears form in her eyes but none fall, she was holding it back.

I know how that feels. Like holding back and continously telling youself not to cry, that it wasn't worth crying about. That's been the biggest lie I have ever told myself. Things did matter but, I had convinced myself that it didn't. All my wounds unhealed.

"But, I don't know if your going to handle it well."

"What do you mean?" I question.

"I'm so sorry Tris."

"Christina. I don't understand, what?" My tone getting heavier.

She shakes her head. "It's not fair."

I snap and water spring in my eyes, "What are you talking about."My voice was weaker than I thought it was going to be.

"Today I was in this room, and I heard the nurses talking about how over 45 Abnegation died today. And um."

But, I know what she's going to say and I don't want to hear it because I know I'm going to fall apart. It's going to break me just hearing the words. A tear falls.

"My mother and father died didn't they?" I ask with a straight face but the emotion still in my eyes. Why hide the truth?

"Tris." she takes a deep breath. "I'm so sorry."

I shake my head and bite my bottom lip and the tears fall but, I don't bother making any noise. Christina looks at me in hurt but, I inform her not to feel bad. That it was going to be fine, I was going to be fine.

Another lie. Things weren't going to be okay. I wasn't going to be okay. Nothing was going to be okay. Another loss, another heartbreak, another set of uncontrolled emotions. But, I don't want to hurt, I don't want to cry. There's nothing else to do though. All I have to feel is the pain of having everyone being there, and to the next second of them being gone.