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Luke's Girl

I can't believe that I fucking trusted him again. I should now better after all. I mean, he did make-out with this chick that I told him to not spend time with because I didn't like that they were getting close, but no. No one ever listens to me.

It's been 11 fucking months, almost a year since the break up and we were only just starting to hang out again without fighting. He was my best friend so it makes sense. You can't just let someone that was that big a part of your life go.

I officially have no feelings for him. We've been getting on quite well now, but lately he's been saying that we're going to hang out, and just keeps postponing the time until the days over, making me waste my day waiting for him. I don't hate him still yet I don't necessarily like him. I will always have feelings for him, that's inevitable. It's just that whenever I'm around him, familiarity and habit kick in, making me act like nothing ever happened between us. I am becoming more dependent on him again and I can't have that. I only smile when he's around. I only have fun or laugh when he's around. When he's not around, all I think about is wanting to see him and relive the old days.

I'm starting to regret letting him back into my life again. He is controlling it even though he shouldn't be! He is probably off fucking some random random chick right now. I remember the days when we saved our selves for the other. Now he fucks anything that moves and steals things and a bunch of other shit whilst I'm the bitter old virgin that everyone hates and never leaves my room. He's apparently become bitter too. I wouldn't know and I don't care anymore.

I can't decide if I want to cry or scream. I am about to go which screaming when I hear a knock on my door. I throw a pillow at the door, not caring who it is. I grab a pillow and scream into it as the person knocks again. They can just go away. I'm not in the mood to deal with anyone right now.

"y/n. I know you're in there," he slurs. I immediately know who it is and he's very drunk.

"Go away!" I shout fed up with his shit and throw another pillow at the door.

"I'm coming in," he says and I cover my face with a pillow, ready to have the tears start flowing. He doesn't deserve to make me still cry like this.

"What the fuck do you want?" I ask throughout the pillow.

"Whoa. What's wrong?" He asks. "Don't you even dare try to play these fucking games with me anymore Luke. Just leave. Go," I tell him as the crying begins to flow out of me. I'm unable to stop it. The sobs are controlling me.

"What games? What is wrong y/n?" He asks moving closer and setting his hand on my thigh. I drop the pillow and glare at him.

"Really?" I ask as he is obviously oblivious to what he's doing. No, he knows exactly what he's doing. He's just being a dick.

"This is what you are doing. You keep fucking with my feelings and I'm sick of it! I'm sick of waiting and wondering. I officially have no emotions left from you. You've left me broken beyond repair Luke. I can't keep living like this. You should just leave before things get worse," I tell him, removing his hand from my thigh. He has this saddened emotion drawn on his face. He has no fucking right because he cheated on me. He's the one who ruined everything.

"And you think I'm not hurting? I feel like a thousand knives are stabbed into me when I see anything that even remotely reminds me of you! I loved you y/n! More than anything. You were my everything and you just threw it away," he tells me and I don't think that I have ever been more angry.

"I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. You ruined me. Don't you dare even try to pin all of this on me. You like to pretend that you didn't cheat on me or become an alcoholic. You try to make me feel guilty about our relationship all the time. You're sick Luke and not in a good way. You keep toying with me, leading me on if I must say and here soon, it's not going to be pretty," I tell him.

"I didn't cheat on you!" He shouts.

"Oh and you're not fucking (that girl you hate's name) at all either right?" I counter. He shrugs and looks away disappointed in himself.

"You've changed so much," I tell him and look away.

"And you haven't? I don't even know who you are anymore," he says.

"You of all people should know because you created me when you destroyed me," I tell him. We sit there in silence as he takes everything in.

"I still love you, y/n," he whispers and I sigh, instantly relaxing because I've wanted him to say those words from day one.

"I still love you too, but I don't know what to do Luke. You cheated on me, I can't just get over that," I tell him.

"It's been a year. Can't you just forget about it?" He asks.

"I can't get over it Luke. It's made me who I am today. Betrayal isn't something you get over so easily," I respond.

"Why do you have to hold grudges so much?" He asks me and I wipe away some tears that are still coming out of my eyes.

"All my friends leave and so do my family. I hold grudges to keep myself safe so I don't get hurt. It's the main reason why I've never thought of suicide or cutting," I tell him. Yes, I'm not a shrink but I do shrink myself.

"You're strong for not having those thoughts. I envy you really," he responds.

"Why would you envy me?" I ask, but then turn around to see the cuts the cover his ribs as he is now lifting his shirt up. I gasp and move closer to him.

"What the fuck Luke! When did this happen?" I ask and run my fingers over the cuts. They're fresh by the way he flinches.

"I thought you were against cutting?" I ask him.

"I was, but drinking stopped working," he tells me.

"Stopped working with what?" I ask and I can't take my eyes away from the cuts. I can't believe that he'd do this. It is just so unlike him.

"It helps make missing you more bearable," he admits and I finally look up at him to see his tear stained cheeks. When did he start crying?

"Can we please just try this again?" He asks me.

"How am I supposed to trust you?" I ask him.

"You won't for awhile and that's okay with me. Can we just try again because I miss you and I don't think that I can do this any longer," he says looking at me desperately.

"Promise that you'll try and I won't be the only one?" I ask him.

"Yes. Please. Anything," he begs with tears still in his eyes. "I don't know. I think that we should-" I begin, but am interrupted by his lips crashing onto mine. I'm taken back at first, unsure as to of what to do, but I miss him too much. My lips move in sync with his as he makes me straddle his lap. Our kiss is getting intense when he pulls away, still kissing at my neck.

"Please?" He mutters and I almost melt under him.

"I guess we can try," I mutter and he kisses me hard in excitement.

"I'm not going to have sex with you though," I mutter and I hear him groan in frustration.

"Can I keep kissing you though?" He asks and I just nod approvingly. We spend the whole night after our very heated kisses talking and catching up, sneaking in more here and there.

~le end~

A/N: so I'm frustrated with my ex and this is a bit of what he's doing to me. He doesn't want to get back together with me, at least I don't think he does at least. Oh well.

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