Idiot Chat ➳ m.c

Catch Fire

»Michael«

"This is not who I'm supposed to be, without you I'm nobody."

I looked across at Ashlee. She was leaning her head against the window of my truck, the heating blasting warm air onto her weary face. I tore my eyes away from her to look back at the road. I tried focusing on driving back to Ashton's but I kept seeing her face in my mind. Her cheeks were pale and lacking in colour, her eyes rimmed by angry red rings. Her usually tidy hair messed but in my mind still perfect.

I took my foot off the accelerator slightly. I wanted to go slower, I wanted to spend more time with the girl I loved. I caught glimpse of an empty condom packet on the floor and groaned. No doubt Ashlee knew already, she'd seen me coming out of the bathroom that day. I wasn't happy, not with Lana. Ashlee wasn't happy either I was just waiting until she realised that.

I kept thinking it over and over again and I'd rather no children than no Ashlee. However right now I was trying my best do do as she said, to try and be with someone else. Lana was sweet and all, but I kept comparing her to Ashlee. That wasn't fair of me, I knew it but I just couldn't stop. As I took a glance at the seat beside me I remembered the wrong I had committed just two days ago.

Moans had filled the truck, sweat and swears accompanied the sounds in the small space. Hands had run friskily over naked bodies, entwined with one another. It had been a perfect mood until the slip of a name had come from my damn mouth. A short 'Lee' had escaped my lips. Whereas a squeal had escaped Lana's lips, covering my stuff up in the process. I'd stopped all movement, unable to carry on with anything unrelated to her name. Lana hadn't noticed anything and had simply just thought I was finished. I wasn't, I knew I could never be finished with Ashlee.

I remembered feeling sick to my stomach as I couldn't look the girl in her blue eyes. Lana patted my hand and told me that she's see me in three hours at her house. I didn't want to go to her house, not at all. I knew I'd rather be somewhere else, anywhere else as long as it was with the right person. I knew in that moment that Lana wasn't right for me, no other girl would be. I stuck with Lana regardless, because she was safe, she was exactly what Ashlee wanted me to have.

I kept the truck running when I pulled the truck into our driveway. I didn't want to stop it, I didn't want my time with Ashlee to be over. She reached over and turned off the truck for me, knowing I was wasting petrol with being at a standstill. Her hand brushed my leg and I felt a shock go through my body, it released an ecstatic feel through me. Something Lana couldn't make me feel. She couldn't make me feel anything, only Ashlee could make me feel anything worthwhile.

"Look Lee, about Lana-" I stopped as she turned to face me. I knew I couldn't say anything radical. I couldn't say anything I wanted to.

"She's perfect," Ashlee cut in. I closed my mouth, unable to say any more as her words upset me. Lana wasn't the perfect one, Ashlee was.

I forced a smile, just for her and thought up something else to say. "Let's go see what Ashton wants." I jumped out of the truck with her following behind, mumbling something about already knowing. It was when I was opening the door that I smelled something familiar on her. As Ashlee leaned close to get through the door I smelt it.

Cigarettes.

"Have you been smoking?" I asked her, she just rolled her eyes and pushed through the front door with a we'll-talk-about-it-later look. I wanted to grab her hand and pull her back, I wanted to talk to her about it in the moment, but I just watched her walk away. I turned the corner to the lounge to see Ashton sitting on the couch whilst Calum stood awkwardly in front of him.

Ashlee slumped onto the couch next to her brother and groaned. "What's this about Ash?" I sat down next to her. Calum looked nervous as hell.

Calum bore his brown eyes into Ashlee's. "I told Ashton about it." Ashlee just nodded as if she understood the situation completely. I was jealous for a moment, over something shared between them. I didn't understand this closeness between them, Ashlee had never really relied on Calum that much before but there was something changing between them. Like they were more so friends than they were before. Like Ashlee and I used to be.