Idiot Chat ➳ m.c

Permanent Vacation.

»Michael«

"My chest hurts 'cause my heart keeps breaking."

My heart dropped when I entered that room. It was a different thing to know that Calum and Ashlee were together to actually seeing him kissing her so hastily. His hands were on her body, her shirt raised to show the damage he'd inflicted upon her. Vis and Luke were sat on the other side of the room, cuddling and enjoying one another's embrace. It made me feel left out. I remembered back to another hotel, where I was in Calum's position. That felt like so many lifetimes ago, but in reality it was two weeks in the past.

Ashlee glanced up at me and then looked away, shutting her eyes. She continued to kiss Calum back, leaving me without a word, boiling over with self pity and rage. I couldn't say anything.

I couldn't.

I shouldn't.

I definitely shouldn't.

I have to.

I need to.

Part of me wanted to cry because my heart was breaking all over again. Part of me wanted to drag Lana in here and show Ashlee how it felt. Part of me wanted to pull Calum away from her and kiss her myself. All three options weren't healthy in the least so I ended up keeping my mouth shut and standing still. I watched as Luke shut his eyes and began to fall asleep against Visser's chest. The remnants of hot chocolate in a mug on the bedside table.

I would never be able to do that with Lana. She wasn't the loving type, she never wanted to cuddle or hold hands or anything that might make her seem vulnerable. I might even say she was afraid of love. It was different, she would say she loved me and act in a way that it seemed like she didn't. I didn't feel connected with Lana. I didn't like the way she kissed, it didn't feel like there was any emotion behind her actions. I didn't remember every touch, every sensual moment like I did with Ashlee.

It made me feel terrible. Like I was using Lana. I only justified it with the thought that she was using me too, but that was a lie. She did love me, in her own stuffed up way. She loved with her walls up. Ashlee loved with her walls down. I was stuck between, having a half wall blocking my way to love anyone at all but being able to show signs of it.

I'd become lazy with Lana, when we'd do it she usually had to do most the work. Not because I'd get tired but because I didn't feel anything regardless of what I did. I never came when I was with Lana. I didn't want to compare her to Ashlee, but I got easily flustered by the thought of Ashlee. Even standing here right now I can feel myself getting hot, just imagining making out with her the way that Calum is.

I knew it was wrong, and that's what made me feel even worse. I knew it, I'd always love Ashlee. Nobody but Ashlee. It wasn't fair to all the other people that I would be with. Lana and Luke are already some to name. How did I end up in this recycled situation? Maybe I should've stayed silent and not told her how I feel as I am doing now. Maybe I would've fallen in love with Luke or someone else if I had kept Ashlee-damn-Irwin out of my life. I know things for sure would look a lot different to now.

I realised I was still standing there looking like an idiot. I had completely forgotten the reason as to why I had come in the room in the first place. All I could feel was the ache in my chest growing with every moment. I couldn't part my eyes from the two of them, moving their bodies against one another — becoming one. I didn't like it but I knew I couldn't do anything about it. Scratch that, I hated it and wasn't Calum dating Beth? I had figured something had gone wrong a week ago, when he came in the room crying with a red handprint on his cheek. Maybe they broke up then? It wouldn't be like Calum to cheat, he wouldn't do that, I knew him too well.