Idiot Chat ➳ m.c

Over and Out

»Ashlee«

"You can have all of your outbreaks, if you let me make my own mistakes."

The first thing I noticed was that the bus had stopped. I sat up in my bunk, noticing the lack of noise. The vibrations had ceased, the bus had come to a complete standstill. I pushed the blankets back and rolled out of the bunk, dropping to the floor with a small 'thud'. I looked to the bunk opposite mine, the curtain was drawn back and the boy I love was missing. I wandered into the back of the bus after changing out of my pj's. Climbing up the stairs I heard the familiar sound of bass ringing through the air.

I wasn't surprised when I found Calum sitting down on a corner couch strumming his bass guitar. I dropped down next to him, watching as his tanned fingers plucked at the strings. His hair was messy and there were bags underneath his eyes, it seemed as if he'd only just woken up as well. Calum wore a dark tee with the blue forest logo across them. I noticed it was a band tee with the tour dates, and sure enough on the back the 5sos tally was there stating them as the supporting act. Calum must've noticed I was staring at his shirt because he began to smile.

"We got them from Jamie, I left one for you on your bunk." His strumming ceased as he put his guitar to the side. I noticed his navy blue shorts on, it was different for a change. He usually wore jeans in Australia — like the others — but for once I could see his toned legs.

"Did the others go out?" I questioned, still looking at his bare legs in amusement. I wondered where Michael was subconsciously, I didn't intend on thinking about the ebony haired boy with the punk attire and gleaming forest green eyes. It just happened. Even though it had only been around seven hours; I missed the boy. I realised I was back in the same position I was before, missing him so badly when he wasn't there. We were going around in circles and I knew it. When Michael had said that Lana broke up with him I wanted so badly to kiss him and tell him that I love him. All I was able to get out was that my feelings still hadn't gone away.

What he said last night made me want to reassess everything. My plan was flawed with my love for Michael. It wasn't disappearing and every word he said to me made my heart swell. I was doubting if it was really worth trying to be friends with him, because I knew there was no way that was ever going to happen again. We'd be stuck in this endless circle. Ashlee, every moment with Lana, every kiss, every conversation, every time we had sèx. I found myself wishing it was you. His words were repeating constantly in my head. His coarse voice, the quiver in it, the way he said my name. I basked in everything about his words.

I had this sense of hope swirling inside of me that I needed to stomp out before it was too late. I knew it was already too late, I was still in love with Michael Clifford and it wouldn't be stopping any time soon. I shifted on the couch, trying to focus on Calum's tattoos to distract myself from the wavering thoughts. I traced the scotch thistle on the inside of his arm, waiting for him to reply.

"Yeah, they went to check out the venue." He trailed off, glancing towards my hand before going to add something more. "Ashlee, what happened between you and Michael? He told me he was going to ask you out. Then next moment he with was with that Lisa."

"Lana," I quickly corrected. I then looked to the floor, wrapping my hands into a knot. I didn't want to think about her, because it made me feel sick. I could've been with Michael instead of her but I'd turned down the boy I loved because I wasn't good enough for him. "I told him a lot things that he didn't want to hear; that I wasn't good enough for him and to find a girl who can give him what I can't." I ran my fingers across the fabric of my jeans; still feeling a sting from the cuts on my thighs. I had got really bad after that. It was like after I'd lost Aaron. It had thrown me into this state of unhappiness where I felt worthless and better off dead. Except with losing Michael it seemed worse, it was worse this time.