tears - phan AU❁ (EDITING)

1.7

i'd be an anchor,
but i'm scared you'd drown.
- 'talk' the 1975.
•-•
DANS P.O.V.

i never meant for any of this to happen.

it all went by so fast, and i wasn't thinking. stupid me.

stupid.

why didn't i give phil a chance? why didn't i let him speak for himself, or explain? he had to have his reasons.

why didn't i just listen instead of be so angry?

•-•

Third Person, Earlier.

phil wasn't at school that monday.

he and dan had hung out the entire weekend, playing mario kart and arguing over ridiculous topics. it was quite enjoyable, and dan couldn't ignore the big pit of disappointment in his stomach when he arrived to see phil not there.

dan should've guessed he wouldn't be there, as phil texted him saying he was unable to give him a ride, but he just must not have been thinking.

dan got through his day, successfully avoiding bullies and talking with louise.

phil didn't text him tuesday morning, so dan decided just to walk to school again. when phil still wasn't there, dan didn't just feel disappointment this time.

he felt worry.

but where would phil be? it's not like his dad got to him, phil did have a restraining order against him, and it's not like phil would try seeing him anyways.

so later that tuesday night, there stood daniel howell, right in front of philip lester's house.

he contemplated knocking. what if phil just wanted to be alone? what if he was still coping with old memories of his dad? dan didn't want to be a burden, but he didn't want to leave phil alone in the dark, either.

so dan reached out and lightly knocked on the door, biting his lip anxiously. he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion when nobody answered.

his next action took nerve, and dan held his breath as he did it. he slowly turned the knob to phil's door, letting out a small gasp of surprise when it turned and opened.

well, that's safe.

dan gingerly stepped inside, making sure to keep quiet. he shut the door behind him, walking on the tips of his toes through the silent house. he checked phil's living room, then his kitchen. when he'd given up on the first floor, he walked up the stairs.

he froze in place when he saw the light to phil's room on.

he was extra hesitant this time. wasn't this creepy? wasn't this way too invasive? but dan pushed these thoughts away when he heard small, choked sobs from the other side of the door.

he raised his fist and knocked twice. everything seemed to slow down, the world going quiet. dan almost turned around and left, before hearing a weak voice.

"who is it?"

dan cleared his throat. "it's me. uh- dan."

as soon as those words left his mouth, he heard a light thump, like phil had run into something. dan then heard rushed footsteps, running up to the door.

but instead of opening it, he felt the door slightly cave in towards dan, like somebody was pushing it to keep it shut.

"phil? hey-" dan tried for the door knob, raising his eyebrows in surprise when it wouldn't open.

phil was holding the door shut?

"phil! let me in, what are you doing-"

"please don't come in dan, please. i- i don't want you to see."

so many thoughts were running through dan's mind, and none of them good. and that's what made him push his back against the door in attempt to open it.

"dan- no!"

dan only pushed on the door harder, some points where it would crack open slightly. dan finally took one deep breath and rammed his shoulder into the door.

the impact shocked the both of them, phil especially. he lost his grip for a split second, but that was all dan needed to bust open the door.

before dan got a good look at phil's face, the boy ran and buried his face in his pillow, sobbing hysterically.

dan looked around the room for anything that could mean phil was harming himself. he almost let out a sigh of relief when he didn't find anything.

but then his eyes turned back to the boy on that bed, who was letting out muffled cries and loud wails. phil's entire body was shaking, and dan rushed over.

"phil- hey. what's wrong?" dan whispered, reaching out and lightly tracing comforting patterns on the boys back. "phil..?"

phil sniffled before dan heard him whisper, his speech slightly muffled. "no. you- you can't see me right now."

dan scoffed. "like i'm leaving you alone like this."

phil was quiet except for a few sniffles and light breathing.

"phil, look at me."

phil wouldn't look.

dan sighed before reaching out and grabbing phil's shoulders, pulling him up quickly. phil wasn't expecting it,
so he was easily lifted.

"phil, what the hell is wro-"

dan's voice caught in his throat.

he felt hurt, lied to, confused, and worried at the sight in front of him. he was left completely speechless, all of his thoughts going quiet.

phil's tears weren't orange.

nor were they red, blue, purple or yellow.

the tears that were running down phil lester's face were clear.

phil opened his mouth, as if to explain, but before he even got the chance to make out a word, dan stood up, his own eyes filling with tears as well.

"dan-!"

and that was all phil was able to say before dan ran out of the room, viciously wiping at his eyes and letting out choked sobs of his own.

•-•
A/N:

stab me with a cactus and call me prickly, that escalated quickly.

qotd: what's your favorite shirt you have in your possession?

aotd: i have a panic! shirt with the quote 'girls love girls and boys.' that ones my favorite.

\\NOT EDITED\\