September 9th, 2014
"Another nightmare.
This time we were both at the wrath of one, I don't know what hers was about. I woke and felt as though my heart was stopped, and O was writhing beside me. I felt empty, absolutely hollow; I had just looked into the eyes of a man I had killed. Ten, twenty years ago? I don't know. I don't know who he was, I don't know what he did or didn't do to deserve his death by my hand. Despite feeling the way I did, somehow I was able to instinctively slide around O, bring her up against my chest between my legs. I wrapped my arms around her body until her breathing matched mine, and I wiped the sweat from her forehead. When she woke, she cried for at least half an hour. Somehow, her own terror calmed me down, because I had to be there for her. I had to help her, to remind her where she was and that she was safe with me.
I will truly do anything to keep her safe.
It's been almost three months since we disappeared, and two months since we've been stationary. No one has found us, and I don't want to think no one is looking for us because that's dangerous, but I do think we are safe for now. I want her to feel safe, and I think she does now. In the last week she's had to walk around the building in the middle of the night to remind herself that she is not trapped, not locked in. Some nights she wants me to go with her, some nights I can't. Some nights I can't be there for her, because I keep seeing the same thing over and over in my head. These nightmares are like needles under my flesh and sometimes it is just too much; she understands when I can't speak or move. Most nights she stays with me, because she knows I need her there, but other nights she's so freaked out about being inside that she can't. Those are the worst nights, where we both can't live with ourselves, and we can't help each other. On those nights I feel like I'm on a leash and I'm being choked, held back, watching her leave.
Some nights I worry she won't come back because I didn't put in the effort to stop her from leaving. It's just that I would if I could, but I don't know how to tell her that I feel so weak sometimes."
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Reminisce: Dear O,
Fanfic[Cover created by AFleetingDream_91] In which Steve Rogers is given Bucky's journals after his friend goes back into cryo. A letter from Bucky to Ophelia and journal entries give Steve an insight of the two years they had together. Book One is "Leav...
