Just Baby Scars (An Ashton Irwin Fan Fiction)

Xx Chapter 14: Unexpected Goodbyes xX

I sat in the living room of my house, listening to the quietness. Ashton had dropped me off and picked up Michael, apparently they had some emergency band meeting. I didn't question it, I mean, Ashton practically was forced to leave me here, Michael dragging him out. It was kind of funny to watch. But now it is over. And I am bored out of my mind.

I kicked my legs up on the couch leaning back and closing my eyes. What should I do to fill the void of being alone for at least the next hour. I shifted, rolling over on my side and looked across the room. My eyes wandered to the staircase and the lights of the hallway. I sighed pushing myself up, off the couch and made my way up the stairs.

I pushed open the door to my room, looking at the neatness of it. i knew I hadn't cleaned it so my mom probably did, which was really nice of her considering the fact that I had made a humongous mess from my little reaction the other day. I sat on the edge of my bed looking at my floor, which I hadn't seen in a long time. I shifted my gaze around the room, my eyes fell on a note taped to the door of my closet, Ashton's handwriting evident on the front.

I push myself up, feeling a small piece of excitement boil up in my when I walked over towards it. I pulled it off, studying the way my name was written on the front. I bit my lip and opened the letter,running my hand over the words he wrote,

Ivy,

This is going to be the hardest thing for me to possibly say. By the time you get this, Michael will have probably forced me out to your house, and I will more than likely be gone. -

Gone? He can't be gone!

I know I have spent these last two weeks with you, which has been amazing, but unfortunately, it has come to that time where I must return to tour.-

Tour, that fucking word word again...

I want you to know that I love you more than anything, and I would have done anything to stay with you, but unfortunately, this is out of my control. You mean so much to me and I never want you to forget that. I will never forget the memories we have share and I can not wait to see you once again. I love you so much and I know you a probably very distraught right now, but I promise you, I'll be back in no time, you won't even realize I am gone. I have my phone, text me, call me, talk to me whenever, I will always make time for you. I would I had, had the strength to say this to you in person so I could hold you, but Michael told me that I would never recover from the pain in your eyes.

I love you from plane ride to plane ride,

Ash

I let you I quiet breath, seeing a drop of wetness on his letter. Then another one, and one more, by then, I was full on crying. He promise, he said he would never leave. And that's just what he did. He stood up and walked away, without even a proper goodbye. I dropped the letter and closed my eyes, hoping to calm the sadness and anxiety taking me over. 'Just like old times huh,' I shook my head, no not this again, I will not let this voice win. I will not let it use Ashton against me. 'It really is sad, you said you love him and he runs away,' I close my eyes tightly, he didn't run away. 'I'd be scared if a slutty ass emo whore said that to me to.'

I ran my hands through my hair, feeling the anxiety taking over my body, knowing it wasn't long until I was fully blow out of logical thinking. I tried to think of positive things about how he was just trying to spare my feelings and how caring he was, but the next thing the voice in my head said broke me faster than I expected. 'Look at how pathetic your acting, Ashton just didn't want to be involved with such a sad excuse for an ex-girlfriend. He figured that that letter was the perfect out for him to get you out of his life.'

I let my hands fall limp at my side. The voice is right, I'm such a fucking waste of time. I never should have got into Ashton's life, it would hurt so bad for him to leave mine if I hadn't. I inhaled deeply, the thing that hurt the most, is the fact that Michael didn't even say bye to me. I mean, just Ashton would have been bad enough, but my own brother, that was like a knife in my side. I reached out, grabbing my phone off my bed and dialed Michael's number.

5 rings, no answer.

I sighed and tried again, 5 rings, once again no answer. I shook my head fighting the tears and click Ashton's contact. I press the call button and listened. 3 rings, and in the middle of the 4th one, it cut off. He denied it. Fuck, he really is gone. 'You always were to clingy' I sigh and let my emotions take over.

--

I woke up on my bathroom floor. The house was quiet, which I expected, my mom probably is doing something for Michael... that's all she ever does. I pushed myself off the floor wincing in pain as I made my way up. I looked down at my arms, letting out a shaky breath. My wrists were covered in deep cut, proving to me how badly my emotions had effected me. I ran my finger tips over the slits, feeling a slight sting follow my movements. I closed my eyes and rested my head back against the wall. I was doing so fucking good.

I saw my phone sitting on the corner of my bathroom counter top and I reached up to grab it. 7 missed calls. 5 from Ashton and 2 from Michael. I bit my lip, refraining myself from letting out a whimper of sadness. 'Fucking weak and pathetic cunt, what your you ever going to do productively with yourself.' I dropped my phone to the floor and let myself cry.

I didn't cry because I was sad, even though I most certainly was. I cried, because for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was loved, and that I was in love. But it was all just top get used, how did I let myself get into this predicament, I mean, I'm smarter than this. 'No you're not, you not even smart enough to learned to have kill yourself by now.' I let my eyes flutter close. This is coming to become to much, I don't know how much longer I can truly handle this.

I unlocked my phone and went to my voice mail, which has 5, all from Ashton. I inhaled deeply before I push the voicemail button.

Message One,

"Ivy, I'm so sorry, I feel terrible, please don't be mad. I truly do love you, but I knew if I saw how hurt you were I would never convince myself to go on tour. I love you so much."

I fought the urge to throw my phone across the room. Pity, that's all I am to him, I fucking knew it. 'I warned you all along sweetheart, you are truly, unlovable.' I angrily press the button listening to the other voice mails, the other three were pretty much the same, but when I came to the last one, I couldn't believe it.

"Ivy, I know, right now it doesn't seem like I care, but I do, more than you will ever know. I know you. I know that your hate yourself so much, and that no matter what I say, in this moment, you will always hate yourself. It's not your fault I left, it's mine. I love you, but I cant stop my career, my family needs the money, and I need the money to for you. To show you what your worth to me. One day, I will do that, I just hope you're still their to witness it." He thinks I am going to kill myself? Ouch... I would never do anything like that, would i? I mean, I wouldn't be able to go through with it. I'm not that strong.

'Well, lets test out your strength.' My else focused on the cabinet and I reach my hand out, opening the medicine door. I searched around slowly taking out a rather large bottle of sleeping pills. I turned the bottle, my eyes landing on the warning label.

'WARNING: Excessive use could cause nausea, loss of feeling in extremities, or even death.

Just what I need. 'Take them all ready, if your don't do it right fucking now you'll chicken out.' I closed my eyes, clearing my thoughts, and popped the lid off of the bottle, pouring a large amount in my hand. I tilted my head back, dropping the meds in and swallowing them all at once.

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(A/N) OMG, SO SORRY. I swear it has meaning to the story, it just seems like it's pointless, I KNOW! Did anyone else cry about Ash's letter, so sweet, but so heartbreak, dammit rowan! Anyways, hope you enjoyed, don't forget to comment/heart/share/and follow!