Just Baby Scars (An Ashton Irwin Fan Fiction)

Xx Chapter 21: Keep It Hush xX

(A/N) Happy days, my lovely little duckies! Hope you enjoy the new chapter

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I finished cleaning my arms and wiped up the blood on the floor, pulling the sleeves to the shirt I was wearing down to cover my mess. Don't let anyone find out. They'll stop you. I placed the blade inside my phone case and opened the door. I heard Lily open the front door, light chatter filling the room as I stood at the top of the stair.
I watched as Lily nodded and looked back at me, only for a second. What the hell? I couldn't quite make out who she was talking to but I figured that the pizza man wouldn't carry on a conversation. I slowly made my way down, trying to hear the words being exchanged.
"Open the door now. I know she's here." A thick Australian accent echoed through the room. "I would but-," I ran to the bottom of the staircase, making my way towards the door. Lily looked back at me, probably because I was making a lot of noise. I popped my head around the door to see a messy headed Michael, an antsy Luke and Calum, and in the back I could barely make out the blood-shot eyes of Ashton.
"Hi guys," I managed. Good, good, fake the happiness, we wouldn't want them finding out now would we. This stupid voice is right, they'd just think I've lost my mind. All four of their heads snapped towards me and relief poured over them. Michael reached out, grabbing me by the shoulder pulling me in for a tight hug. Then suddenly two more people piled on top.
I managed to look up enough to see Calum and Luke. Ashton. The three of the release me and I saw Ashton nervously fidgeting with his hands. I exchanged a quick look with the others, trying to get a read of the situation. Based on their fixation on Ashton's hand right now, it wasn't good.
"Ash..." I spoke softly, a hand grabbed my shoulder from behind. I looked to see Calum's wary look and noted to myself to proceed with caution. "Ashton, look at me." His eyes didn't move from his hands. I signaled for the peanut gallery behind me to leave, giving Ashton and I some space.
I reacted out, placing a hand on top of his. He slowly directed his attention towards me. His eyes screaming with regret. "Ashton, what's wrong?" He shook his head, a familiar blank stare overtaking his eyes. "Nonono. Ashton, look at me. I love you, tell me what's wrong? I want to hel-," His arms wrapped around me, holding me close. He pushed his face into my neck, his breath sending warmth.
"I love you so much," He mumbled into my neck. "So much more than I can even comprehend." I felt a little piece of my heart break. His trust, I promised him, I'd be safe. That I wouldn't hurt myself. Don't be stupid, he was just saying that! I shut out the voice that was screaming at me, this wasn't the time. It wasn't going to prevent me from helping Ashton.
"Ashton, please. Tell me what is wrong." He loosened his grip, letting his hands slide down my wrist. I fought the urge to yell in pain as he reassuringly squeezed. "I've been selfish." I furrowed my eyebrows. "Selfish? How?" He let out a pain-staking sigh. "Nothing, never mind. It's really a band issue."
I tried to hide how much that hurt. See I told you, you're getting in the way. Ashton noticed me zone out and shook me ever-so-lightly. I felt the pain evident on my face for only a brief moment before I pushed it back. "Ivy, babe, are YOU okay?" I nodded, looking towards the door where I could hear the other boys chatting.
Ashton's warm touch left my hips as he reached out to pull the door open. Calum's head instantly snapped towards the door and Michael grew quiet. Ashton walked in, giving them a small nod as he walked past. "Mind if I look around this house?" Lily seemed a little taken aback by the question, but agree quickly.
Once he was around the corner, they all looked at me, curious eyes and serious expressions. I opened my mouth to respond, but I honestly wasn't quite sure what I was going to tell them. I didn't have anything to tell them. He just vaguely mentioned something that I knew without even being involved.
I just shook my head and closed my mouth, the less I say the better. You just don't want to know the trouble you've cause. Lily invited them into the living room, Luke and Michael taking seats on the couch, Lily in the chair, and Calum on the love seat. I looked at the back door. I think I need some, calming fresh air.
I heard the four of them engaged in conversation, but I could feel all of their eyes on me as I moved through the room. I slide the back door open, taking a deep breath of the night air as I stepped out.
A chair was sat at the edge of the deck, near the side of the pool that had a beautiful view of the night sky. I took a seat, letting the moonlight rejuvenate my body.
What happened to my goofy and adorable Ashton. He changed so sudden. And I have no idea why. I know who does, but they won't spill.
Don't kid yourself, they just don't want to tie you into anything you can use to bring the band down. Bring them down? I'd never do that. I love them. Calum and Luke are my honorary brother, Michael means the world to me, and Ashton is probably the love of my life.
If you love them so much, why are you punishing them by being here. Good point. I took a deep breath and leaned my head against the back of the chair. I looked up and closed my eyes, just feeling the cool breeze and light on my skin.
"Ivy?" Calum's whisper yelled, startling me. I turned, just barely looking at him from around the chair. His eyes were squinted since it was so dark. "Yeah," I mumbled quietly, mostly because I hoped he wouldn't hear me and go back inside. But we know I don't have luck like that.
"Oh, there you are." He made his way over and pulled a chair beside me, throwing himself into it. "Hey." I half-ass smiled and looked back at the moons reflection on the pools water. The silence between us was making me uncomfortable, but Calum's moving with discomfort was making it worse.
"Lils said we could stay the night considering we snuck off the bus." Lils, okay... now they have nicknames. I realized my blank stare and nod wasn't making the situation any better so I adjusted my position so I could see Calum's face. He smiled happily at me and looked in direction I had been.
"That's nice of her I guess," He nodded and took a deep breath, biting the inside of his cheek. "Ivy..." His voice trailed off, as if second-guessing what we was going to say. Before I had a chance to ask him to continue he spoke. "Why did you leave?" I furrowed my eyebrows.
"Excuse me?" My tone came out harsher then I meant, making me snap my hand over my mouth. It didn't seem to bother him. "You left to go find Ashton, and you never came back. So why did you leave?" Okay, still a very open ended question.
"Are you asking me why I left to go find Ashton or why I left after talking to Ashton?" He looked at me, the same big brown eyes filled with worry as earlier. "Both." I nodded, looking back at the moon, formulating exactly what I wanted to say.
"Well, I left to go find him because I love him. And if he's upset, I have a reason to be upset." I glanced to see if Calum understood. He nodded as if he did, but something about his attitude right now was off. "And I left after talking to him because Lily invited me for coffee." He looked at me painfully. "What?" I knew I was being defensive, but whatever he was thinking or knew was obviously killing me. "You really love him huh?" I nodded, looking back in the door I exited out of to see if Ashton was in there with them. No luck.
"One day, Calum, you're going to fall in love with someone. And you'll understand how I think and act right now. I would do anything for Ashton. He's my world." I watched as Ashton's tall figure appeared in the room with Luke. "I love him more than I love myself."
Calum's expression fell. I made brief eye contact with Ashton before directing my attention on Calum. "Cal?" His face went cold. I reached a hand out, barely touching his hand, snapping him out of his daydream. He eyes fell on something on my arm. I slowly followed where he was looking. I felt my breath hitch at I saw what he did.
The sleeve to my shirt pulled up slightly revealing 4 or 5 of the 30 cuts that were actually on my arm. I jerked my hand back, holding it close to me side. "You love him so much, you'd do that to yourself." I could feel the shock that covered my face. He stood up and walked back into the house, leaving me in my own fear.
You better hope he doesn't tell anyone else. That would ruin our plans now wouldn't it. I looked down at the sleeves of my shirt. How could I be so stupid, so reckless. I shook my head at my disappointment. I am the disappointment. I looked back to see all the boys laughing, tossing things lightly between themselves and Lily. That's happiness.
I sat in silence for quite a while, the only things I heard was the occasional defensive shriek of one of the boy or the owl hidden amongest one of the trees. It started getting quieter inside and I saw the minute amount of light that was shining through the door of the house disappear. I didn't move. I think I like it better out here anyways.
"My lovely?" Ashton's hands touched my shoulder from behind the chair. I looked up at him to see a big smile on his face. He leaned down, planting a light kiss on my lips before sitting in the same spot Calum did not too long ago. "How are you this beautiful night?" What a mood change honestly.
"I'm good," I knew I shouldn't have trust my voice. It cracked right in the middle of the sentence, causing alarm to rush to Ash's face. "What's wrong?" I took my hands to cover my face, being purely frustrated by the situation. "I'm sick of that question today." He placed a hand on my leg, attempting to comfort me. "Ivy, what happened?"
I shook my head, a slight giggle coming out of my mouth. "Rephrasing the question doesn't making it any less upsetting." He nodded, his eyes still filled with concern. "Then how about you just talk to me." I nodded, removing my hands from my face.
"Oh, love." He wrapped an arm around my waist causing me to tense. "Why are you crying?" What, crying. I placed a hand on my cheek, feeling the wetness of tears. I stood up, wrapping my arms around his neck, allowing him to pull me into his lap. He looked at me, watching me break down as I slowly broke down.
"I'm just tired Ashton." He looked down, looking at my covered arms. "As much as I wish you meant tired as in needing sleep, I know that isn't what you mean." I held tightly around his neck, refusing to move from the one place I felt safe. "Everyone hate me." I mumbled into his neck, causing him to tighten his grip around my waist.
"You know that isn't true Ivy." I shook my head, refusing to look at him. He would know what I've done if he saw my eyes. "Your fans," I trailed off, mostly because I knew better then to even talk about this.
"Ivy, they don't matter. What they say, it's completely out of jealousy." I let go slightly, looking down at myself. "Stop judging yourself. Ivy, I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved anything else in the world." His hand traced up my chin, making me look up at him. His pressed his lips firmly on my lips. I let my grip around his neck fall loosely as I kissed back.
He loosely gripped my waist I leaned back in the chair, pulling me into a position to straddle him. He pulled me into another kiss, one of his hands brushing a piece of my head out of my face. He placed my hands one his shoulders as we continued kissing. I contemplated whether I was ready for this to go any farther.
His hand found the back of my neck as he gave me a passionate kiss. "Ivy?" Ashton and I both froze. Holding eye contact with each other before I responded. "Yes?" I couldn't make out whose face it was, but I was fairly sure I knew. I let my hands remain on Ashton's shoulders when the light of a phones flashlight caught me off guard.
"Oh, my, god. I didn't need to see that." Michael. The flashlight went off and I heard Ashton clear his throat. "Oh god, um. Lily... She um, said that you two could stay in the downstairs room. I can't believe I saw that." I rolled my eyes, giving Ashton another kiss, causing us to snicker at Michael's ignorance.
"Where is it Mikey?" I kept my voice quiet, attempting to not reveal the fact that Ashton's warm hands were traveling up and down my body. "She said second, or maybe it was the forth door from the living room." I gave him a quiet thank you before looking back at Ashton. The moonlight was just enough that I could make out his face, most importantly, the smile on his face. "Should we retire to the bedroom."
His tone made me laugh. Somehow he was able to do that. Even when I should be upset, he could make me laugh. I nodded, giving his upper arm a light squeeze before standing up. He stood up after me, placing an arm around the back of my knees sweeping me off my feet and walking towards the house.
He entered the forth door from the living room, revealing a room that was a subtle gold color with a beautiful white bed in the center of it. He walked over placing me on the left side of the bed. I watched as he removed his shirt and walked back towards the door turning the light off. Not long after, I felt the bed sink down on the right side of the bed, and familiar arms wrap around me, holding me close. He laid on his back, letting my lay my head on his chest and lay a leg across his.
The warmth was comfortable in a room that was so cold. I closed my eyes, feeling Ashton's hand running through my hair. I drifted off, the last thing I remember feeling was Ashton's lips against my forehead.