Drag Me Down (h.s.) EDITING

What Have I Done

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't get Zayn off my mind. It wasn't really Zayn that I couldn't seem to shake. It was the fact I allowed something to happen with him. I knew better. We had been through this. I had been through hell to finally be with Harry and here I was being a royal screw up. There was something that always seemed to come between us whether it was be doing something or Harry. When I finally thought our relationship wouldn't be a messy complication I go and fuck up. Of course.

I laid in bed, on top of the covers, still wearing my clothes from the night before. The sun had peeked through the curtains hours ago. I had watched as the shadows grew against the opposite wall. I was so outside myself. I felt as if I wasn't really laying here. That it hadn't been me who had made those terrible decisions.

My phone began to ring in my pocket and I knew before I even reached for it that it would be Harry. He usually called me around this time to talk before the guys next show. I stared at the screen as it rang. I felt a massive weight settle on my heart as I looked at the picture icon. It was a candid photo Louis had taken of us one night when we were together. I was sitting on Niall's couch with my legs draped over Harry's as I laughed. Harry was staring at me intently with a small smile on his face. I couldn't remember what we had been talking about. All I could see was the pure happiness on our faces as we snuggled close together.

"Hello." I whispered.

"Hey, babe. Did I wake you?" I could hear him but there was loud music in the background.

"No, I haven't really been able to sleep." It was honestly the truth.

"Oh, can't sleep without me, yeah." Harry chuckled lightly. I heard Louis, Liam, and Niall laughing in the background. If I wasn't in such a terrible mood I probably would have laughed at the cheeky joke but I couldn't seem to even get the courage to talk. After a few seconds I knew Harry was catching on. He could pick up on me a million miles away.

"Lani? Are you alright?" I could hear the worry in his voice.

I wanted to tell him that I was fine. I wanted to lie. I really wanted to forget all about what had happened with Zayn but I couldn't. There was no way I could live with myself if I didn't tell Harry.

"No, not really. I have something to tell you." my voice shook as I spoke. I felt the tears slip from my eyes.

"What is it? You're scaring me. Are you hurt? Did something happen at the house? I told you I didn't want you there alone." he was so worried it just made it worse. My stomach twisted with guilt. I felt nauseous.

"No, no, none of that. I'm fine. Nothing has happened here at the house. I just.. I hate to do this over the phone but if I don't say it now it's going to eat away at me. I, I went out last night. I went exploring because I couldn't sleep and came across this little pub that reminded me of the one Niall took me to where we ran into you.. I was leaving and ran into Zayn." I paused to let what I was saying sink in.

"And.." his voice was low. I knew he was preparing himself for whatever I would say next.

"He stopped me. I didn't even want to talk to him but he asked me to hear him out. So, I did. He asked if I would listen to some of the songs on his album to prove to me that he wasn't trying to slander me.. I went back to his house. I, we, we kissed. I know I shouldn't have let it happen and I am so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me." the tears were in full force. I couldn't stop them. They slid down my cheeks and I didn't even try to stop them.

There was silence from the other end of the line. If I hadn't heard the music in the distance I would have thought he had hung up. I wouldn't blame him if he did. I tried to keep my breathing even while I waited for him to say something. My heart was beating out of my chest. I was so afraid. I had fucked up the one thing I had wanted.

"... I don't have time for this right now. We perform in two hours. We will talk about this when I get back from tour." the line went dead as he hung up. I sobbed into my pillow, smearing make up all over the pillow case. I didn't even care I was ruining it. I couldn't stop. The sobs wracked my body. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I tried to take deep breaths. I tried to calm down.

I was just beginning to get my breathing under control when my phone dinged, signaling I had a text.

From: Nialliar

what the heck ! we need to talk soon. Harry is devastated Lani . 

To: Nialliar

I know I fucked up. I don't know what to do. Please call me after the show.

I responded quickly wiping the tears from my eyes. I sat up and scooted to the edge of the bed. I kicked my shoes off and let my feet dangle as I dropped my head into my hands. I knew this could tip us over the edge. After all we had been through to be together this was a slap in the face. I had moved across the world to be with the man I love, then turn around ruin it all. I knew the ache in my heart was taking up permanent resident.

I stood and looked at myself in the mirror. The sorrow I saw in my eyes had me clutching at my chest. My make up was smeared. My eyes were swollen. My hair was a mess piled on top of my head. I shook my head and made my way to the shower, slipping clothes off as I went. I turned the water on as hot as I could stand it. I tried to wash away the night. I scrubbed my skin until it was raw and pink.

As I rinsed the conditioner from my hair I leaned against the shower wall. The tears were back, mixing with the water cascading down on me. I knew deep in my heart that Harry wouldn't be able to forgive me this time even if he wanted to..