As you lay down - Destiel

Undo - 11

No. No. No. No. No. NO. NONONONO.

I AM NOT IN LOVE. I AM DEAN WINCHESTER I DO NOT FALL IN LOVE. LET ALONE MY BEST FRIEND. NOPE. UNDO THE THOUGHT. DELETE IT FROM YOUR BRAIN. FUCK. I AM A COMPLETE IDIOT.

I don't feel tired anymore. I am a mess of thoughts and emotions. At what point did I even? I feel like fainting, but I won't. Come on I can get through this. The thought will disappear in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. FUCK IT'S STILL THERE.

I get up as I've now gone to panicking. As quickly as possible I get to my room and throw my headphones on. I blast some Def Leppard as I can not comprehend what's going on right now. This can't be correct. This is Chuck messing with my brain. Where is that bastard anyways? I want to yell but I can't so I'm just tensing my entire body up like I am yelling very loudly without the actual sound of it. How? Why? When? Like? I'm so frustrated. I don't know why I'm angry. Am I angry at Cas? Myself? Both of us? Okay, keep it cool. Cas obviously doesn't like my anyways so this is not a situation I can't handle. But fuck, why do I fall in love now of all times? Why me?

If it wasn't for the fact that Cas lost his mojo I'd say this was some sort of sick joke he pulled on me. But it isn't. This is real life. Actual feelings. Emotions. For something, I can never have. I want to punch something. But that feeling doesn't last for long because the anger wears off. It turns into sadness. But sadness is easier to hide. I stare at the ceiling, wishing I didn't exist. Or that I never met Cas. That fucking angel. Or human, whatever the fuck. I didn't deserve to be saved. I let out a silent prayer that Chuck will fix this.

Somebody taps on my shoulder, making me jump a little as I didn't hear anybody enter my room through the loud music.

"Yes?" Chuck says as I turn off the music.

"What the hell is going on here?" I ask, way more angry that I meant it to be.

Chuck sighs. "I'm letting you experience something that you deserve to. I'm actually not making anything, just not holding anything back from you"

"You've held love back from me?"

"Not precisely, you have. You've never felt anything strong enough until now, and you've always wished not to feel anything. Until the hospital. Something changed there. That's why I came. Despite your feelings towards Castiel, you still have to take care of him the same way you always have. He needs you, Dean"

I pinch my glabella and close my eyes "But how do I cope with this?"

"You'll figure something out, trust me" And just like that he's gone. Leaving me with nothing. Have I never really wanted to feel love before? Do I want to feel love now? Because if this is what love feels like, I don't want it.

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When I wake up I feel a little cold but also well rested. I look at the clock that displays 4:00 PM. How did I sleep for so long? I sit up and stretch my arms. I need to stop falling asleep on the couch. Wait, no. Did I fall asleep with Dean? I know he fell asleep before me. And then I must have fallen asleep and- oh no. Crap. Nope. Can I just delete my life?

Dean has left the couch. NO FUCKING SHIT HE HAS YOU FUCKING FELL ASLEEP ON HIM WHAT DO YOU THINK. I AM ACTUALLY MAD AT MYSELF WOW. Oh god, no. Come on Castiel pull it together. You can do this. If you didn't feel the way you do about him you wouldn't think this. Act it out. Fake it until you make it. Breathe, it didn't go too well the last time you forgot how to do that.

Just as I think that, Dean enters the room. And I already feel my face turning red. Fuck Cas, pull it together. Breathe in, breathe out. You can do this. You are a human being with the knowledge of an angel, don't go so low.

"Hey, I'm gonna get some pizza. You want anything?" He asks.

"I'm good for whatever, why don't you bring Cas?" Sam suggests.

Dean shrugs his shoulders and says "Sure" I hope I didn't make him uncomfortable.

He turns to me "You coming?" He asks.

"Okay"

We go out to the garage and sit down in the Impala. For some reason, Dean doesn't turn on the music. That's pretty rare. He backs out and we sit in silence for most of the way. I'm not sure if I should apologize or something. This would be so much easier if I had somebody to speak to about it. But I don't. I can't exactly go up to Sam and be like hey I'm kinda in love with your brother and fucking him may or may not have crossed my mind a couple of times how do I deal with it? Dean is tapping again.

"Are you nervous?" I ask him as I have picked up on the fact that he only does so when he's stressed or nervous.

"What?" He turns to look at me "I don't know what you're-"

"DEAN LOOK OUT!" I say and grab the steering wheel as he's about to hit a truck. As I dodge the truck Dean takes a deep breath.

"I'm sorry I just, I don't know" His explaining really doesn't do much.

I shake my head. "It's fine, I just don't wanna go to the hospital again so please avoid killing us. Okay?"

And so it's back to silence. I'm not sure what's happening to Dean, he's rarely ever out of focus or as tense as he is today. Something has happened to him. Is it my fault? I hope not.

We get to the pizza place and Dean orders. Pizza, in general, makes a little...uncomfortable. Especially the people who deliver pizza, which is why we now only drive to get pizza. While the pizza is getting ready we get to choose drinks from the fridge. As usual, we go for three beers.

The pizza gets done quite quickly. Dean carries it out to the car, muttering about something involving a motorcycle. And so the silence trip home starts. But about halfway home, Dean asks me a very weird question.

"So what are you doing tomorrow?"

"The same stuff I have been doing for the last weeks I suppose? Why?" I ask. He does know that we haven't actually had a case for weeks, right? Or am I missing something here?

"Well, um" Dean coughs, is he nervous? "Do you want to grab a drink or something? Not having some sort of case is really killing me and Sam doesn't want to"

Wait what? "Sure!" I say. HE WANTS TO WHAT? Okay, Castiel, calm the fuck down. This is just a normal friend thing. This is what humans do. You better just get used to it.

Okay?