As you lay down - Destiel

Is there somebody who can watch you - 21

I wake up by Dean screaming. I quickly get my gun, load it and hurry over to his room. His door is unlocked so I just rush right in to see...him in his bed. Fuck. I thought he was getting better. But it seems like the nightmares have started again. Normally, I would have spoken to Cas about this but as he doesn't have the memories...I don't know how to. As Dean isn't yelling anymore I can walk back into my room. 

It's so weird because it feels like the life we used to have was so much more than a couple of months back. I remember when I was sick and Dean finally went to the graveyard with Cas and how that was about a year ago but the rest of is a blur, which really sucks because I remember how happy I was. Dean and Cas finally got together, I will say that felt a little weird to me at first but it didn't take too long for me to get over it as soon as I saw what Cas was doing to Dean. I knew right from the beginning that when we couldn't hunt anymore, Dean would break. I think that Cas saved him. He didn't yell as much in his sleep anymore either. They helped each other so much and being able to watch that made me so happy. I read about every book we have while Dean and Cas were chatting, only stopping when they felt bad for not talking to me. I didn't really mind, though, this was the closest to a normal life with a family I've ever had. 

Then the car crash came. Dean went into pure shock. Did nothing but blame himself for weeks. Cas and I constantly tried to speak some sense with him but with no results. Until one day where I think he just let go. At that point, the doctors didn't really know what was going to happen to him. Cas got thinner and greyer. Dean just stayed with him. I tried to find some sort of way to fix it. But this wasn't something supernatural, this was life. Human. So I constantly went from the hospital the bunker and then back. I drove a lot. I don't know how much Dean actually slept during that time but I don't think it was a lot. 

At this moment, I don't know what I want to happen. I think that Dean and Cas are on the right tracks. At least I hope so. I just don't know what to do with Cas, how to fix him. Maybe he won't fully ever get his human memories back. What would we do then? Sam, you've literally gotten through about everything there is. You can fix this as well. 

I attempt to go back to sleep but with no success. I keep staring at my ceiling and feeling a hole in my stomach. I don't want this life. I never did. I've tried to make the best out of it, I really have. And it did go well for a while but now, I don't know. It's not exactly like I'm going to leave, I mean I love both Dean and Cas. And who knows what's going to happen to the angels and demons? But sometimes I just wish that things wouldn't have turned out this way, that mum didn't die. That I never learned how to handle a gun. I finished my law studies. But I'll never know what would have happened if we went down that road. I still like to imagine, though. 

When I wake up, later on, it's 4 AM. And I can't really go back to sleep again. So it's back to staring at the ceiling. But that gets really boring after a while. Therefore, I go up instead. Nobody is awake but me. I wonder if Cas still is high? No, he has probably slept is off by now. At least I hope so. Somehow he always manages to find a way to worry us, or we're just over protective. I don't know. Freaking angel seems like nothing but trouble. But then again, that has always been a description of my life. Nothing but trouble. Dean probably had it worse, though. The ways he didn't give a shit about school and always played around with the girls. I used to feel bad for them. The way he acted. Like they had a chance. What a jerk. And the poor teachers who had to deal with him not doing any sort of work. 

I decide to go outside. Not for a long time but a few minutes. There aren't really a lot of stars outside. Mainly just clouds, but you can see a few. What freaks me out a little when it comes to stars is that you're looking back at history because the stars are so far away. Most of them are probably dead by now. But to us, they seem all alive. Just imagining how far away they are blows my mind. 

It's really quiet outside at this hour. Add the fact that it's really dark and you get the feeling of being lonely. Not the isolated feeling, but the peaceful one. It's really calm. Sometimes I go outside for a while when I can't sleep. To gather my thoughts. Dean calls me "poet-wannabe" for that. I don't mind. There are a lot of things that I don't mind. But most of them are because it makes my brother happy. Because whatever that is, will make me happy in the end. That's one of the amazing things that Dean can do, spread his emotions. When he's angry, you can feel how the atmosphere gets tense. When he's happy, everything eases. I don't know how he does it. I don't even think he knows that he does it himself. 

I remember when we were younger and I always was in the shade of him to dad. He knew the most about hunting and how to handle a gun better than me. That did change a bit in school, though, I think that is because Dean easily gave up on the idea to be normal while I always wanted that. Being able to have friends for a while. That kinda went drown the drain every time I switched schools. I was very angry at my father because of that. But I couldn't do anything because he was my dad and well, I was a kid. 

At those moments I really appreciated Dean being there. When dad left and he made me food, how he put me first. He made me feel loved like I actually had somebody. And he's been there for me ever since. That's why I felt bad about leaving for college. Then he came because dad was gone and then somehow, we ended up here. But through all my life Dean has been there. And that's why I love him so much. And why I always want somebody to watch him. I believe that he can handle himself but I don't want anything to happen to him. 

And so, I go inside again.